Musings of a 6/2 Splenic Manifestor

They say that the first one is usually an easy one. It can act like the carrot on the end of a stick, showing you the potential of what life can be like once you go through the work and release the stuck energy. This was definitely true of my first journey with Ayahuasca. She was gentle and kind to me, opening my heart and mind to the possibility of living a life of love and compassion. I was invited to the ceremony just the night before it happened by a new friend in Santa Cruz, someone I trusted who was a part of the Satsang meeting I went to. It was an intimate group of 8 people joined in the living room of my friends house. My friend was the sitter and his friend was the facilitator/shaman. The medicine was made by a close friend of the shaman who lived in Hawaii. The situation felt safe and I was finally ready to try it. From everything I had heard and read about Ayahuasca I was definitely scared. I had been investigating the medicine for many years now and was finally at a...

After yet another weekend of doing nothing except laying in bed, listening to Adyashanti, eating, walking on the beach and meditating, I woke up this Monday morning thinking "oh good, I have work to do - maybe that will keep me distracted." But the distraction didn't work this time. A depression had been creeping in since the day before. I named it the nothingness. It felt like one of those bluesy days where the weather is kind of weird, there's an eerie stillness in the air, I have no plans and I'm not sure what to do with myself. This time instead of letting it grab me and pull me down into a heavy darkness, I said YES to it. Staring at my computer screen I felt my attention drawn to it in a whole new way. My mind said, "you and me Void, let's go." I left my desk and climbed on my bed for the face off. As I sat and stared into nothing, the tears came. I felt like I was shedding something. The loss of myself, my innocence, who I thought I was, my g...

Instead of viewing my affinity for smoking herb as an enemy, I’m looking at her in a new light today. She is a medicine, here to simultaneously extract a mix of some things beautiful and some things tainted. Mary Jane is my friend. I see the world in a new perspective; I see my mind in a new perspective. A gateway to another dimension is opened and new pieces of my puzzle fit into their places. I sink into my body and all my senses heighten to an 11. My creative mind rutts it’s lovely head. Mary Jane is my foe. The oppression sneaks in (47.3), and reminds me of a differing perspective. That my writing sucks, that addictions are bad, that I can’t complete anything (53.2). My body follows, a sinking sensation in my gut, a tightness in the throat, heart beating faster. It’s an internal battle of right and wrong that the foe is winning at the moment. What I also think that I think is that there is no such thing as good or bad in the scope of the universe and my true existence here on eart...

I love following recipes. Unfortunately, splenic authority is not about following a recipe. It feels like I’m writing a new recipe for a dish that’s never been created before, using ingredients I can’t even pronounce or know where to find. Sure there are guidelines, others have written their own recipe and I can learn about what they’ve done. But as a few of my brutally honest HD friends have pointed out, I keep looking for how to do this experiment in some outside authority. It’s something I’ve done my whole life. My mind desperately wants someone to give me the recipe to get me there, and get me there now. I know I can be incredibly impatient but it’s really not fair that pure sacral generators have an incredible tool to wake them up within weeks and I’m waiting around for some quiet little voice to tell me what to do. And God knows how long that will take to develop. And while I wait, I discover my un-comfort with the present moment. Wanting, wanting, wanting to fill the ever-pre...