Musings of a 6/2 Splenic Manifestor

The silence and Satsangs with Devaji are intense. We have 2 Satsangs per day, one in the morning and one in the evening. We sit in silence for 75 minutes before the morning session and 50 min before the evening session.  At first the silence pulled me in so deep and I was shown so clearly how everything this character goes through is happening in a background of stillness. For the first time, while this body was going through a big detox and felt extremely fatigued, I was able to recognize and find relief in that which is never touched by whatever the body is going through. Even though I felt like shit physically and mentally, sinking into the stillness brought gaps of extreme peace. What a gift! After day 5 the fatigue lifted. One thing Deva talks about often is that everything is being orchestrated perfectly for our awakening. I'm experiencing this more and more.  During one meditation around Day 6 it felt like a mini Ayahuasca journey where the b...

2 weeks after I self administered Iboga and experienced death, I was happy to hear that a couple who opened a healing Temple in Iquitos, Peru and were trained shaman were coming to town for a 2 day ayahuasca retreat. It was going to be an intimate setting with just a handful of people in a beautiful home, just the type of style and situation I prefer. I immediately signed up. The first night of this journey was the one of the most difficult nights of my life (I've had a lot of those now). Within 5 minutes of drinking the tea I was puking it up. I thought that meant I wouldn't feel it very much, and I was very wrong. The medicine hit me like a train wreck hitting hard and intense. All thoughts became emotionalized so everything she showed me had so much energy behind it. I saw and faced some of my demons and biggest fears, just what I've been asking for. One of the images that sticks out is of a finger rubbing a nipple, for some reason I was repulsed by it. I then was sh...

How to put words to the most profound incredible experience of my life. I’m struggling but I want to try. Iboga has reconnected me with my soul, cleared out the demons of the mind and body, and I am no longer craving for substances. (update; this lasted only a few weeks except for ciggarettes which I have never smoked again). I feel better than I have since I can remember. It’s still working on me and I am having waves of realization. My first journey, among many other things, showed me the interconnectedness of all things. It was towards the end of the night about 10 hours into our flood and I opened my eyes to look out at the sky and trees, light was just beginning to illuminate the sky. Everything around me was imbued with the same awareness and divinity as the eyes looking out at it, My eyes. The eye of god was in everything I saw and I was also the eye of god. Reality bubbled over in a continuous outpouring of god’s creating. The trees and sky were breathing just as I was. We w...

I am not my thoughts because they come and go in a background of stillness. These particular thoughts in this particular mind are particularly conditioned to this particular vehicle. The specific gates in my head/ajna centers as well as all of the white in my design flavor the thought streams that flow through me. I don't have to believe a word it says because it is ultimately just a tiny fraction of what I am. I can take in the entire world with this perspective too, knowing that whatever I am hearing, seeing, perceiving is just a projection of my mind and it isn't really true. Nothing needs to stick, I can let it all flow through me and enjoy the ride. The more I trust in my innate splenic wisdom of the moment, the more I can glide through this life and not try to grasp onto anything. What is true does not come and go. What Is true, what "I" am, is the substratum, the primordial soup from which everything arises. All through the rise and fall of thoughts, ideas...

I don't know what did it but my addiction to popcorn and weed have fallen away just in the last couple months. Also, pretty much a couple weeks after my 35th birthday, my chronic bladder infection that's been with me for the last 2 and a half years has pretty much disappeared. Wow, so many shifts in such a short time. I was always so worried about my addictions, always trying to get rid of them with my willpower and always feeling bad because I couldn't quit. I feel that what really allowed the addictions to fall away was learning to accept my humanity, facing my false identity with inquiry, healing the body/mind with bodywork, and having the courage to face my fears. When I moved to Nevada City, I had the intention of finding healers to work with, and I found so many amazing ones. In just 3 months I ended up attracting exactly what I needed. Melanie gave me 2 sessions of Reconnective Healing which definitely had a profound effect. Coreen , an incredible acupuncturist...

"It is to face the collective fear of humanity that lies within the heart of every human’s DNA." 47.3 in detriment today!! Yikes - "A Self Oppression so energized it may prove irreversible and destructive." Oh how I know this gate so well. It's simultaneously the thorn in my foot and reason for existence. When I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, I know it is this gate talking...no yelling at me "the world is an ugly place, people are nasty, I am bad, there is no hope". It tries to get the upper hand to make me give up on life, kneel down before it's power, and surrender to a mediocre existence trapped in the maia. Oh no, I will not bow down!! Luckily this gate is in an open center in my design, so it's not a constant pressure. But when the 47.3 does rear it's ugly head, I become physically unsettled, antsy, unsure of myself, not sure what to do or where to go, and not as trusting in people or the world. I tend to smoke...

I CHOOSE YOU patiently you wait loving me right here allowing me to be as I am tenderly giving where I am able to receive never expecting, never demanding I always sensed you were there through the pain and darkness watching and loving unconditionally revealing yourself slowly you call me deeper with each conscious breath and I begin to discover your mystery crumbling the facade of armor once set firmly around my heart this tortured soul breaks free splitting me wide open to the perfection of all that is now I see clearly while searching the world for true love you were there the whole time patiently waiting for me to turn around and see my SELF is what I seek I flutter back and land by my side so grateful because I finally found you I AM HOME

"I've actually been feeling really good lately, very peaceful and still. I haven't had a spell of depression for a long time." Famous last words on skype last night with my dear friend in Toronto. The dark turbulent waves rolled in slowly this morning, first invading my vivid dark dreams in which my room mate kept changing things in the house so quickly I couldn't keep up, pushing down walls, changing my bed, cleaning and rearranging rooms. I finally collapsed and surrendered into a whirlpool of water floating below the cliffs on a piece of carpet, swirling around stoically while watching monsters overtake our house. And then I awoke with a heavy fatigue. I could've slept forever but instead I decided finally at 11am to see if some caffeine would cheer me up. Sitting at the coffee shop in 1 of the 2 comfy chairs, I am awkwardly close to the pretty lesbian girl sitting in the other chair playing on her computer. My sadness seems evidently palpable but...