Musings of a 6/2 Splenic Manifestor

Today I’m on my knees longing for HER like I’ve never longed before, it almost feels like unrequited love yet it’s not quite as I am being pulled stronger by that which cannot be seen or heard, but can be felt more and more in the heart.  It’s a painfully slow process, this love affair with the Beloved. HER dance with me is a very long and drawn out romantic dramedy with lots of flirtation and foreplay, betrayal and loss. Sometimes it feels like I'm being tortured with the constant barrage of negative thoughts and extremely fatigued body. These times, I now know are designed to stoke this fire of longing. HER love for me is so immense, she's can be ruthless in her ways to get my attention. During the dark times, she's dragging me in shackles out of this love for me to return to HER.  With just enough crumbs of titliation, where I feel the vibrancy of the silence and the warmth in my heart, I am lured by her more and more. I am given small glimpses beyond the veil...

Day 4 of a 7 day retreat with Devaji: Sinking deeper into the silence,. During both Satsangs today, the entire Sangha is bathed in this rich, loving silence. We all bask in it for a long time after Devaji ends the session. It feels inviting and I am able to avoid coming home from the afternoon session and immediately turning to technology. Instead the body and mind is significantly slowed down, wanting to nurture the stillness and turn within. A slight headache has developed since the morning. Not yet aware that this is the grief wanting to surface. Around 7pm after cleaning, I am already tired, the pressure in the head is stronger. The body sits down on the bed and gazes out the window, the third eye pulses and tingles.  I watch the mechanical thoughts swirl around attempting to grab attention and often successfully doing so. But the love is there and the presence is strong. I doze off to sleep and wake to see the sun is setting. It's only 8pm but I decide to climb under the...

Meeting my new beloved teacher Devaji and moving to Mt. Shasta all fell into place very auspiciously, it was true Destiny. It was also a good example of what it means to wait for the energy to initiate as a Manifestor and how splenic/ego authority works. When I wait for the energy, everything falls into place effortlessly and the change is fun. Pluto in Cap squaring my natal Rahu/Ketu conjunct Uranus in Aries - also I have Rahu/Pluto/Sun all around 15° Libra which was squaring Pluto ***T ransiting Pluto (death, rebirth and transformation) in Capricorn (my 6th house) was Squaring my natal Ketu or south node which represents my past lives. In addition Uranus  (planet of sudden change and enlightenment)   was opposite my Sun/Rahu/Pluto within 2 degrees. I found this information about it on an school of evolutionary astrology forum from Deva. " In the case of Pluto square the nodal axis the Soul has not fully developed the lessons reflected b y either of the nodes and so has...

The silence and Satsangs with Devaji are intense. We have 2 Satsangs per day, one in the morning and one in the evening. We sit in silence for 75 minutes before the morning session and 50 min before the evening session.  At first the silence pulled me in so deep and I was shown so clearly how everything this character goes through is happening in a background of stillness. For the first time, while this body was going through a big detox and felt extremely fatigued, I was able to recognize and find relief in that which is never touched by whatever the body is going through. Even though I felt like shit physically and mentally, sinking into the stillness brought gaps of extreme peace. What a gift! After day 5 the fatigue lifted. One thing Deva talks about often is that everything is being orchestrated perfectly for our awakening. I'm experiencing this more and more.  During one meditation around Day 6 it felt like a mini Ayahuasca journey where the b...

This growing love in my heart for my new teacher, Devaji (a 5/1 Generator) has taken me by surprise. I've never felt so safe with a male teacher before. His love and devotion to his students is unbounded and completely unconditional. I am so honored and in complete gratitude for this surprising turn of events in my life. I professed my excitement for meeting him and wanting to move to Shasta to be with him in front of the group at the retreat this week. Locked in his timeless gaze of eternity he expressed back to me what was in my heart, that he had a growing love for me and saw that something was opening in me. It has become very clear after this 2nd retreat with him that there is nothing, absolutely nothing more important than ultimate liberation for this character. And Devaji has appeared in my life to guide me all the way Home. I have no idea financially how things will work out, however I know I will be supported. Previous to Devaji appearing in my life, I had actually g...

It is said in Human Design, if you have an open emotional center you take in and amplify the emotional waves of those around you. In my chart, my emotional center (or solar plexus) is completely white with no activations coming off of it or pointing towards it. It's taken me a long time to understand what this means in my life but I have finally realized that with this configuration I have taken on the emotions of everyone in my life for my entire life, amplified them and mistaken them as my own. I have literally been a sponge. This center in me is hardly white, a better description would be caked with mud and shit from all the conditioning I've taken in. Because I grew up in a family and in an environment where people weren't taught how to process and release their own emotions in a healthy way, and no one taught me how to let the emotional waves of the world pass through me, I basically took on everyone's raw emotions and thought they were mine. And this was extre...

2 weeks after I self administered Iboga and experienced death, I was happy to hear that a couple who opened a healing Temple in Iquitos, Peru and were trained shaman were coming to town for a 2 day ayahuasca retreat. It was going to be an intimate setting with just a handful of people in a beautiful home, just the type of style and situation I prefer. I immediately signed up. The first night of this journey was the one of the most difficult nights of my life (I've had a lot of those now). Within 5 minutes of drinking the tea I was puking it up. I thought that meant I wouldn't feel it very much, and I was very wrong. The medicine hit me like a train wreck hitting hard and intense. All thoughts became emotionalized so everything she showed me had so much energy behind it. I saw and faced some of my demons and biggest fears, just what I've been asking for. One of the images that sticks out is of a finger rubbing a nipple, for some reason I was repulsed by it. I then was sh...

How to put words to the most profound incredible experience of my life. I’m struggling but I want to try. Iboga has reconnected me with my soul, cleared out the demons of the mind and body, and I am no longer craving for substances. (update; this lasted only a few weeks except for ciggarettes which I have never smoked again). I feel better than I have since I can remember. It’s still working on me and I am having waves of realization. My first journey, among many other things, showed me the interconnectedness of all things. It was towards the end of the night about 10 hours into our flood and I opened my eyes to look out at the sky and trees, light was just beginning to illuminate the sky. Everything around me was imbued with the same awareness and divinity as the eyes looking out at it, My eyes. The eye of god was in everything I saw and I was also the eye of god. Reality bubbled over in a continuous outpouring of god’s creating. The trees and sky were breathing just as I was. We w...

Looking back over just one day that I felt rather blah about I now realize that so many feelings and experiences passed through me. For example... Envy of the cat on my lap, so cozy, so serene, so at peace with sleeping all day Boredom of mundane tasks Appreciation of the orange tint of sunset outside my window Confusion of how I feel about a new relationship Anxiety about a future social situati on that hasn't happened yet Frustration over not feeling like I'm enough Energy and excitement about the possibility of my very own studio apartment Sweet and sassy as I giggled on the phone with a friend Delight as my mouth melted on some pecan soy ice cream Nervousness and overwhelm about starting a new job Sadness and concern about my aversion to people Lost with no direction Sympathy for people who have no home Annoyance at technical difficulties Laziness for not exercising Love for the little toddler having a difficult time communicating with her dad Blessed to ...

"I've actually been feeling really good lately, very peaceful and still. I haven't had a spell of depression for a long time." Famous last words on skype last night with my dear friend in Toronto. The dark turbulent waves rolled in slowly this morning, first invading my vivid dark dreams in which my room mate kept changing things in the house so quickly I couldn't keep up, pushing down walls, changing my bed, cleaning and rearranging rooms. I finally collapsed and surrendered into a whirlpool of water floating below the cliffs on a piece of carpet, swirling around stoically while watching monsters overtake our house. And then I awoke with a heavy fatigue. I could've slept forever but instead I decided finally at 11am to see if some caffeine would cheer me up. Sitting at the coffee shop in 1 of the 2 comfy chairs, I am awkwardly close to the pretty lesbian girl sitting in the other chair playing on her computer. My sadness seems evidently palpable but...