Musings of a 6/2 Splenic Manifestor

This was my first painting ever created in August, 2013. It's a woman dying into the void of darkness. This post is for all those who are suffering from depression, addiction, meaninglessness, existential crisis and thoughts of suicide. No one truly understands unless they've been through it.  I am on my knees and humbled by this life. I will be forever grateful for what the darkness has shown me. 2013. It was a year of death and rebirth, the final purging of a lifetime of pain and sorrow, and self inflicted mental torture. By far, the most difficult, dark yet transformative year of my life.  I never considered myself a crier, throughout the years of my childhood and early adulthood I had cried a handful of times. I had no idea how many tears were stored away. Finally after 3 years of nothingness, all the darkness I pushed down during my life was beginning to surface. In 2013 all those tears came bursting forth. Numb and exhausted, this was how I felt about 5 years ago

Exhaustion crept over me last night and I woke from a dream where I was camping with a bunch of people and they were all gathered round in a circle to do something spiritual, at first I was in the circle then I somehow edged myself to the outside of it, and those all too familiar feelings of self judgment and inadequacy rushed over me. What could I possibly have to contribute that is of value to the world? Why don’t I have anything to say to people? In the dream the group proceeded to watch a movie and I looked for options of how to get alone to get through these heavy emotions that flooded my whole being. I wanted to go in the back and meditate on my sleeping bag but there were someone’s kids in the form of miniature cartoons who came in the back of the tent and I think one of them was playing with me for a bit then it ran off to find it's parents and I was sad again. I cried early this morning in my dream and woke up with wet eyes. This sad empty feeling is back haunting me