Musings of a 6/2 Splenic Manifestor

Looking back over just one day that I felt rather blah about I now realize that so many feelings and experiences passed through me. For example... Envy of the cat on my lap, so cozy, so serene, so at peace with sleeping all day Boredom of mundane tasks Appreciation of the orange tint of sunset outside my window Confusion of how I feel about a new relationship Anxiety about a future social situati on that hasn't happened yet Frustration over not feeling like I'm enough Energy and excitement about the possibility of my very own studio apartment Sweet and sassy as I giggled on the phone with a friend Delight as my mouth melted on some pecan soy ice cream Nervousness and overwhelm about starting a new job Sadness and concern about my aversion to people Lost with no direction Sympathy for people who have no home Annoyance at technical difficulties Laziness for not exercising Love for the little toddler having a difficult time communicating with her dad Blessed to ...

Spleen!! A new experience of getting a new job, internship and my first studio of my own just happend to help me understand how my splenic authority works. As a Splenic/Ego Manifestor - The theme for me is this, I'm moving along slowly, resting, working a little, chillin, non-energy being..la la la...then a feeling for change arises and builds, but I've learned now that just because this feeling/thought arises that doesn't mean that I should act...I still need to wait and watch, basically I'm waiting for the splenic hit that comes with the energy surge of the ego...and then all of a sudden there is a necessity and drive to act, every cell in my body suddenly says make a move, I pick up the phone, send some emails, meet who I need to meet, and there is a huge drive and determination to get er done...make it happen...for my own well being...when my authority is clear, and when this ego energy is available, shit happens so fast! And then I rest again :) To be living in ...

"It is to face the collective fear of humanity that lies within the heart of every human’s DNA." 47.3 in detriment today!! Yikes - "A Self Oppression so energized it may prove irreversible and destructive." Oh how I know this gate so well. It's simultaneously the thorn in my foot and reason for existence. When I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, I know it is this gate talking...no yelling at me "the world is an ugly place, people are nasty, I am bad, there is no hope". It tries to get the upper hand to make me give up on life, kneel down before it's power, and surrender to a mediocre existence trapped in the maia. Oh no, I will not bow down!! Luckily this gate is in an open center in my design, so it's not a constant pressure. But when the 47.3 does rear it's ugly head, I become physically unsettled, antsy, unsure of myself, not sure what to do or where to go, and not as trusting in people or the world. I tend to smoke...

I CHOOSE YOU patiently you wait loving me right here allowing me to be as I am tenderly giving where I am able to receive never expecting, never demanding I always sensed you were there through the pain and darkness watching and loving unconditionally revealing yourself slowly you call me deeper with each conscious breath and I begin to discover your mystery crumbling the facade of armor once set firmly around my heart this tortured soul breaks free splitting me wide open to the perfection of all that is now I see clearly while searching the world for true love you were there the whole time patiently waiting for me to turn around and see my SELF is what I seek I flutter back and land by my side so grateful because I finally found you I AM HOME

"I've actually been feeling really good lately, very peaceful and still. I haven't had a spell of depression for a long time." Famous last words on skype last night with my dear friend in Toronto. The dark turbulent waves rolled in slowly this morning, first invading my vivid dark dreams in which my room mate kept changing things in the house so quickly I couldn't keep up, pushing down walls, changing my bed, cleaning and rearranging rooms. I finally collapsed and surrendered into a whirlpool of water floating below the cliffs on a piece of carpet, swirling around stoically while watching monsters overtake our house. And then I awoke with a heavy fatigue. I could've slept forever but instead I decided finally at 11am to see if some caffeine would cheer me up. Sitting at the coffee shop in 1 of the 2 comfy chairs, I am awkwardly close to the pretty lesbian girl sitting in the other chair playing on her computer. My sadness seems evidently palpable but...

I'm done searching. I have an open G Center. I'm not here to find my purpose. What a Relief!! I used to blame my parents for my depression. I blamed them for not giving me enough guidance throughout my childhood. I felt like I'd made lots of mistakes in my life. I was pissed they didn't give me more wisdom to live by, that they didn't do anything about my drugs and craziness in high school. That they didn't communicate with me more about sex. Other than my dad telling me when to be home and the rules with boys, they really didn't stop me from doing much, they played the ignorant card. Granted I was a really good liar. But they knew, oh they knew that I was getting into trouble. My mind got a hold of me at a very young age, all my open centers but especially my open G center were deeply conditioned by society. I think the most detrimental conditioning I had was that I was supposed to hurry up and choose something to be really good at and stick with it. My boy...

I got a reading from John Martin on Monday and he told me some good news and bad news. The good news is that I'm here to be a Jedi Priestess Warrior! That sounds great, where do I sign up? The bad news is that I'm here to be a Jedi Priestess Warrior! Wow, what next? If I were a priestess warrior, I'd want to be Nitiri. Ra says "Manifestor's aren't here to know thyself. Generators are here to know themselves, Manifestors are here to know their impact ." Okay, I hear that and I've been exploring that question naturally but why have I spent my whole life trying to know myself? And I wouldn't say that my search has been in vain. I've finally come to a place of peace because of all my trial and error and search for self definition. If I hadn't been searching for myself, I don't think I'd be where I'm at now. I'm drawn to Human Design because it teaches me more about myself. I'm not sure what Ra means by the first part of th...

A dear Projector friend introduced me to Human Design the other day (2/5/2010) very non-nonchalantly. We were at her computer and she showed me my chart, we listened to the audio of Ra Uru Hu's definition of a Manifestor. It was interesting but I kind of shrugged it off as another one of those new age things, having no idea how much it would impact my life. Then I came home and began to get more curious. Something made me look deeper. It was when I read about what it meant to be a 6/2 that I really got into it. You see, I am 32 and in a state of retreat from the world, which corresponds exactly to the 6/2 profile. I have begun to be very hermitty, really not wanting to do much, get stimulated by much, not be out in the world where I'm sensitive to other people's negative energy. Most people out there are so stuck in the matrix, just playing the game, so wrapped up in meaningless pursuits, and so unaware of themselves and it's just not a comforting place for me to ...