Clearing out the Solar Plexus by Opening the Heart
Because I grew up in a family and in an environment where people weren't taught how to process and release their own emotions in a healthy way, and no one taught me how to let the emotional waves of the world pass through me, I basically took on everyone's raw emotions and thought they were mine. And this was extremely uncomfortable in my body, so I always took it upon myself to settle and dissipate the intense frequency of room by making jokes to make myself and everyone feel better. After one of my father's angry eruptions at the dinner table because me or one of my siblings was chewing with their mouths open or scraping their teeth against their forks, I would always be the one to lighten the situation. I did this for most situations where someone was angry or emotional. I have lived most of my life making sure everyone around me wasn't upset. I had no idea this wasn't my job nor how much energy I depleted by doing this.
Michael A. Singer's book "Untethered Soul" has shed a lot of light on the reasons for my depression and fatigue.
An awakened being, he says is fully open to each moment, allowing every experience and perception to pass through the heart, body and mind fluidly. The heart is the magnificent center which controls the energy flow, or Prana of our entire system, and in it's natural state it is open and allowing. The reason why our heart isn't always open is because in our lives we have energy patterns come into our psyche that create disturbance and discomfort, and because we don't know any better, we resist them by not allowing them to pass through us. When we do this, energy patterns get blocked inside and keep circling around. They are unfinished and stuck inside our hearts until we can stop resisting them. These are what they call "Samskaras" and every single event that didn't make it through us from the time we are babies to this moment, is still circling inside. These impressions encrust the valve of the spiritual heart (which is the "solar plexus" center in human design) and that encrustation builds up and restricts the energy flow. Overtime enough of these blockages can lead to a completely numb heart, depression and fatigue.
By the time I was 33, I had so many blocked energy patterns, that my heart was completely encrusted and shut down. And because of this, my Prana or life force energy had become trapped and almost non existent.
The pain of taking on the emotions of the world was too much for my body to handle, leading me to close myself off to not only emotions but to life itself. This pain and trauma hit it's pinnacle approximately 3 1/2 years ago when luckily I stumbled upon human design, which helped to explain a lot and gave me the permission to start down the long and arduous road of de conditioning my open centers and becoming myself. There was no other choice, either I could keep dying or I could work on clearing out the caked up conditioning of a lifetime and strive to be happy and free. Luckily my life arranged itself so that I could get away from people while still being able to support myself. For 4 months straight I slept between 12-20 hours a day. There wasn't any crying or felt emotion at that time, just a complete fatigue, darkness and fog in my head. It took about a year to finally start feeling my pent up anger and repressed emotions and at that time I still didn't know how to process these, so I continued to smoked pot to give me the illusion of joy and creativity. Before that time, I had no idea I was even angry.
It has taken another 2 years, after a lot of rest, kundalini yoga, meditation, and working with plant medicines, to finally be able to confront these emotions without turning to substances to keep them blocked. This process of dropping my addictions has been inextricably linked to the level at which I am able to allow these stuck energy patterns to pass through me. And I must also add that that my ability to face these energy patterns has been inextricably linked to my experiences with Iboga and Ayahuasca.
Today in my experiment I am feeling things again. There's still a lot of sadness and fatigue mixed in with anger but I also have days of joy and lightness of being. I feel I am at the beginning of a beautiful opening and depth of living I never imagined was possible. And I know it's truly only the beginning of what's possible. Doing kundalini yoga and meditation everyday is assisting in the process of bringing up old energy patterns to face and release. They are starting to pour out of me on a weekly almost daily basis and for once in my life, I am allowing this process to happen. There's almost a sweetness to it now. Singer says, "Once you sit deeply enough inside to stop fighting the stored energy patterns, they'll come up constantly and pass right through you. Just let it all happen. Get it over with. If you relax and release, this purification of your heart is a wonderful thing." He is right, I am beginning to feel an undercurrent of pure love underneath each wave of stuck energy as I open my heart and say YES to it. I am no longer allowing the mind to give these bitter sweet waves a story. My heart and solar plexus are clearing themselves out and at the moment there is no end in sight. However, the vision and possibility of a truly inspired, creative and joyful life remains as my motivation to keep me going down this path. I see myself in the near future as a pure vessel of light, love and abundant energy. My true self is on the horizon and I am starting to feel the warmth and brilliance of her rays. For now I will continue to allow whatever is arising to be as it is with as little resistance as possible.
Singer asks us "Are you willing to go through this process of purification, or do you want to try to change the world so it doesn't disturb your Samskaras? Your reward is a permanently open heart. You live in love, and it feeds and strengthens you. Unending inspiration, unending love, and unending openness. That is the natural state of a healthy heart." I for one believe that our birth right is to be in this state of openness, love and joy at all times. Do you?
Beautiful. I do really identify with the exhaustion I'm noticing as I continually decondition. So much sleepiness, but if the forms wants it, it gets it these days.
ReplyDeleteThanks Shannon, yes so so sleepy and so much resistance to the sleepiness which has probably caused more sleepiness. I feel really blessed that the universe brought me a situation where I could actually sleep a lot and still survive financially. Most people have kids and work, etc and can't find the time to stop and rest. But I for one see that allowing for lots of sleep was the first step in my de-conditioning process.
DeleteYes, it's funny and I suppose shows alignment that when I began this process of radical deconditioning, I too, was in a job where I made my own hours. And now I work from home making my own hours, getting to sleep as I need it. But it's because I was following S&A that my life came to meet me and present me with this opportunity. Just gotta trust your own experimenting and give it.
DeleteWould you be able to say if iboga helps with depression?
ReplyDeleteHey I'm glad you asked, I've been pondering that question myself. I can't say either way at this point. I've had 3 experiences with Iboga. I went to the Iboga House in Costa Rica and did 2 floods there and left feeling really clean, clear and happy. However within 2 weeks of being home a huge wave of depression came over me and I didn't know how to deal with it so I smoked pot, huge mistake because the depression got worse. What Iboga showed me was so expansive and big picture it was almost overwhelming and really difficult for me to make sense of. It definitely cleared out my body and helped me quit smoking cigs and I craved only healthy fresh food for a few weeks. However, neither the plant spirit or the providers at Iboga house helped us work with our visions nor helped with the tools necessary to deal with my everyday waves of emotion and the emptiness I feel so often. I feel if you can find a provider who works with after care tools, like meditation and opening the heart, then Iboga could very much help with depression. Since then I've also done 2 ceremonies with Aya, she showed me through amplification the many cycles of hope and pain that this body/mind go through on a daily basis and also helped me sit more firmly in the silent background in which all these cycles happen. Since those ceremonies, about 2 months ago I've had some heavy waves of emptiness and depression come up. And what I did was unique to me because I sat and meditated on the question, "who is it that is suffering?", Over and over as I ask the mind this question, the heaviness began to lift and I was able to come out of a 45 min meditation feeling lighter and more free. This has been a huge leap for my process. So for me, I see that plant medicines combined with meditation, self inquiry and kundalini yoga, are an effective recipe for curing depression. The plant medicines help dig up and clear out stuck energies, showing you where you're stuck, and inquiry helps you become the witness to the depression allowing the waves to pass without latching onto them. And now I've got the opening the heart and saying YES tool from Michael Singer's book. Also, I've started taking NOW Mood Support which is helping a lot. Iboga and Aya are serious medicines here to help us free ourselves, they aren't for the faint of heart, however if they are calling then you shouldn't ignore that. Best, Trista T.
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