Musings of a 6/2 Splenic Manifestor

The open G center is the white diamond in the middle of the chart.  If you have an open G Center (if it's white in your chart), your mind will play out the story that you must find your purpose, otherwise your life will have no meaning. It can also play out as a story that you must find the love of your life. If you want to know whether you have it, get your free chart  here. There is a feeling of gentle, sustained energy arising in my body again after so many years of being exhausted, confused and lost. It's still coming and going depending on the day and what kind of detoxing is happening in my body. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for this energy and to have a focus again (Gate 52). Ra Uru Hu was right when he said that people who have Gate 52 and have no focus are depressed. I was so depressed with no focus for many years. It looks like I will be starting a Nutritional Balancing business once I get my diploma in a couple weeks. This will allow me to coach peopl...

Cracked open once again my heart washed clean with a salty river of tears. I Am Alive! Suffering, my badge of honor along with the past, my ideas of what was me All together, slowly slip away. A gentle reminder of where I once was and will never again be. To be merged again free to just Be, it's all been worth it. From self loathing to love of Self, My humanity and yours is all welcome here in the space I call Me. Bowing with humility to the Divine within however cruel you once seemed I am now forever grateful for shoving me into hell so that I may know God and walk with him in Heaven Here and Now.

The point of any spiritual system, religion or healing practice worth following should ultimately be to guide the person to transcend the system itself. We can easily get trapped in the spiritual whirlpools of technique, labels and dogma of our beloved systems. Attaching words and stories to describe our pain and success, we latch onto these words to create new identities, holding tightly to the belief that our conceptual understanding of God is what makes us further along than the next one in the game of waking up. However spiritual the words are, however clearly you can understand and convey them, the words alone do not make you more connected. Words can never describe the ultimate truth of your being. When we finally accept that we have no idea what the hell is going on here, nor does anyone for that matter, then we can be cracked open to true wisdom. We start to see we are beyond systems, concepts, words and all the stories of our pain and glory. When the mind surrenders to not k...

This was my first painting ever created in August, 2013. It's a woman dying into the void of darkness. This post is for all those who are suffering from depression, addiction, meaninglessness, existential crisis and thoughts of suicide. No one truly understands unless they've been through it.  I am on my knees and humbled by this life. I will be forever grateful for what the darkness has shown me. 2013. It was a year of death and rebirth, the final purging of a lifetime of pain and sorrow, and self inflicted mental torture. By far, the most difficult, dark yet transformative year of my life.  I never considered myself a crier, throughout the years of my childhood and early adulthood I had cried a handful of times. I had no idea how many tears were stored away. Finally after 3 years of nothingness, all the darkness I pushed down during my life was beginning to surface. In 2013 all those tears came bursting forth. Numb and exhausted, this was how I felt about 5 years ag...

Exhaustion crept over me last night and I woke from a dream where I was camping with a bunch of people and they were all gathered round in a circle to do something spiritual, at first I was in the circle then I somehow edged myself to the outside of it, and those all too familiar feelings of self judgment and inadequacy rushed over me. What could I possibly have to contribute that is of value to the world? Why don’t I have anything to say to people? In the dream the group proceeded to watch a movie and I looked for options of how to get alone to get through these heavy emotions that flooded my whole being. I wanted to go in the back and meditate on my sleeping bag but there were someone’s kids in the form of miniature cartoons who came in the back of the tent and I think one of them was playing with me for a bit then it ran off to find it's parents and I was sad again. I cried early this morning in my dream and woke up with wet eyes. This sad empty feeling is back haunting me...

A causeless joy has bubbled up inside me. My nose is runny, I’m coughing up something funky, my bills aren’t paid, there are many mundane tasks left undone, and the world is in chaos. However, today I am feeling the results of many years of healing and am finally so grateful to be alive. All the seeds that were planted through meditation, yoga, time spent in nature, crying my eyes out, working with plant medicines, prayer and forgiveness have begun to fruit.  The depression is gone. What for so many years was my gauge of my happiness; my career and what I am able to produce in the world, is now insignificant to the ever growing relationship I have with the divine. My worth isn’t based anymore on what I have or what I can produce, how much money I have, what people think of me, or how my life is unfolding. I know without a doubt that the truth of who I am is so much greater than this body and mind and it is the most amazing and fascinating discovery I have made in my life. No...