Musings of a 6/2 Splenic Manifestor

Through taking responsibility for ourselves and our emotions in relationships we can see that our pain and suffering is here for our growth. When someone does or says something that "triggers" us and makes us upset, the only choice we have  is to either see the gift or start blaming or lashing out on the person and play the victim. We can choose to stop and feel the pain, breathe through it, and heal it or we can choose to continue to be captive to our childhood wounds. It can be painful process but it's here for our own growth. The mind will try to distort and blame and rationalize, don't listen to it. JUST FEEL! Here's the cold hard truth that's becoming much more clear, no one else is responsible for how you feel. And no one is responsible to make you feel better. When we are triggered, it's due our own un-met shadows within. Will you choose to face and accept the shadow or continue to run away, smoke more pot, guzzle another beer, eat more shit and...

I'm a splenic manifestor with an open emotional center and no activations. (In case you don't know what center that is, it's the white triangle on the right of my chart.) This has been a very tricky center to understand. My emotions are experienced as either completely overwhelming with the collective pain and suffering of humanity and my entire body and mind feels defeated, or I'm neutral and almost "cold". It's difficult for me to feel compassion for just one person but I often feel the plight of a deeply wounded humanity. It's been 7 years of de-conditioning this sucker and it's finally getting a little more clear how to navigate with this vulnerable center. I just ended a very intense 3 month relationship with an emotional generator who is unaware of how his emotional wave functions and through our time together I learned very clearly what it means to be emotionally blackmailed. It's when someone is in their down wave and is trying to m...

Today I’m on my knees longing for HER like I’ve never longed before, it almost feels like unrequited love yet it’s not quite as I am being pulled stronger by that which cannot be seen or heard, but can be felt more and more in the heart.  It’s a painfully slow process, this love affair with the Beloved. HER dance with me is a very long and drawn out romantic dramedy with lots of flirtation and foreplay, betrayal and loss. Sometimes it feels like I'm being tortured with the constant barrage of negative thoughts and extremely fatigued body. These times, I now know are designed to stoke this fire of longing. HER love for me is so immense, she's can be ruthless in her ways to get my attention. During the dark times, she's dragging me in shackles out of this love for me to return to HER.  With just enough crumbs of titliation, where I feel the vibrancy of the silence and the warmth in my heart, I am lured by her more and more. I am given small glimpses beyond the veil...

Day 4 of a 7 day retreat with Devaji: Sinking deeper into the silence,. During both Satsangs today, the entire Sangha is bathed in this rich, loving silence. We all bask in it for a long time after Devaji ends the session. It feels inviting and I am able to avoid coming home from the afternoon session and immediately turning to technology. Instead the body and mind is significantly slowed down, wanting to nurture the stillness and turn within. A slight headache has developed since the morning. Not yet aware that this is the grief wanting to surface. Around 7pm after cleaning, I am already tired, the pressure in the head is stronger. The body sits down on the bed and gazes out the window, the third eye pulses and tingles.  I watch the mechanical thoughts swirl around attempting to grab attention and often successfully doing so. But the love is there and the presence is strong. I doze off to sleep and wake to see the sun is setting. It's only 8pm but I decide to climb under the...

When I moved to Mt Shasta last year in August 2015 to be with Devaji and the Sangha, I had this wild fantasy that I kind of knew what enlightenment was and what it took. With all the work I felt had done already to clear away the darkness, I naively thought, it would only be a matter of months maybe a few short years before I was free. Haha, what a joke. I really thought I had made significant progress towards liberation in my 5 years of being an avid seeker. And honestly, I feel I have done some good work and have taken steps in the right direction. But, what I learned over the past year is that I actually know nothing and I am just a baby in this process. I’ve been deeply humbled and have come to a place of acceptance about how little I know about the emotional intelligence of being human and also how steadfast one must be in this journey to liberation. 5 years of soul searching and working with ayahuasca and I really felt like I made a big dent into some big darkness that kept...

There's nowhere to go from here but down deeper into the well where I'm told the treasure lies  it's walls are jagged and rough there's no where to grab on the air is thick with death and decay I can barely breathe. It hurts. feels like hell ____ A soft whisper in the background says stop thrashing, precious child relax and breathe come deeper still my love fall into me I'm not finished with you yet. _____ She releases me after what seems like eternity gasping the glorious fresh air once again grateful to be alive the familiar colors and textures of  the dense world I've tolerated become brighter, friendlier and more inviting i cautiously welcome this reprieve from the grip of death and yet something knows that around the corner looms the next round of annihilation ____ I'd like to think that with each plunge there's a little more grace a little less thrashing but perhaps that...

I don't know who I am any more: a writer, an activist a lover of Truth? I used to take pictures and I was good at it I called myself a photographer And once I was a barista sligning espresso like I'd been born for it I showed promise of a powerful career as a film maker Imagining myself on the red carpet being photographed and receiving accolades for helping to preserve our precious wildlife There were dreams to be a business catalyst moving forward fresh, eco-friendly entrepreneurs to help green the world and make money doing it. She badly wanted to be somebody Somebody who mattered Someone wanted it so badly. Who was that? Now, slowly releasing this burden of needing to be somebody. it no longer fits it was never mine and it's been too heavy for too long.

Hawaii Retreat, March 2016 - Day 5 of 10 There are 8 of us here from the Mt. Shasta group all staying together at Ruthie's beautiful property in Honoka'a, Big Island. We're here for the 10 day silent retreat with Devaji. Deva and his beautiful wife gifted me the plane ticket with their extra airline miles and Ruthie graciously offered the housing to me for free and it's like a dream come true. I wouldn't have been able to come otherwise because financially there's just enough to pay the bills right now. There are 5 of us staying in the bunk house which is a large 2 story building just across the driveway from the main house. The top floor is where we sleep. There's a screened large room with 6 single very comfy beds. It's beautifully designed with hardwood floors, Japanese Hawaiian decor, a full bathroom with stone tiled shower and sitting area and outdoor/indoor sitting area. There has been a lot of rain and it's been surprising cold for what my...

When one is on a Nutritional Balancing program, the body will go through something called retracing. The concept of retracing is that when our body starts to get everything it needs in the form of minerals, diet and detox protocols, it begins to heal itself. All the current and old issues in the body get addressed layer by layer. In retracing, the body will systematically go through the body and heal any old infections, injuries, physical and emotional traumas. However, in order for these things to be healed, they must first resurface, sometimes even stronger than the first time. This is a blog about the recent emotional retracing I just experienced. It has to do with my open emotional center and taking on the pain and suffering of the whole world. This concept of retracing is very similar to the concept I'm learning from my teacher, Devaji. In the spiritual enlightenment game, we call it burning. When we see an old pattern surface, by bearing witness to it with the light and ...

Written after our meeting yesterday...and it happens to be Valentines day. Your Pure love has come to carry me home it's a gift from heaven a cradle from the divine the missing piece i didn't even know i needed you penetrate deeper this time with the gaze of eternity something softens allowing currents of warmth and tenderness to slowly melt this fortress of protection this pure love never known before shatters the mind in our silence, I begin to feel you and this love you have for me not from something i did or what i've said or what i can do for you you really do Love me True the trust grows a knowing deep inside whispers lean in sweet girl into this one True thing fall in my Love and discover your SELF the love which never left with your unconditional Love to guide the way freedom is assured Thank you Devaji

Pluto is Squaring my Nodes exactly today and although I'm familiar with this feeling of annihilation, it's never easy. This is Pluto's 3rd pass over my natal Sun, Pluto and North Node. (Pluto at 15° Capricorn). Pluto is the planet of death and rebirth, he shows no mercy in his relentless motivation to transform us on a deep soul level. He takes away what seems important in order to show us what really matters. If the grasp on anything is too tight, he will rip it out of your hands. Everything feels like it's crumbling. "Only if we venture repeatedly through zones of annihilation can our contact with Divine Being, which is beyond annihilation, become firm and stable." ~ Karlfried Graf von Durkheim On my knees once again, fully wiped out, defeated. I've been KO'd by Pluto again and all I can do is surrender and patiently wait for this contraction wave to pass. Today it feels like I'll never get better, that this adrenal fatigue will never heal a...