Musings of a 6/2 Splenic Manifestor

I am not my thoughts because they come and go in a background of stillness. These particular thoughts in this particular mind are particularly conditioned to this particular vehicle. The specific gates in my head/ajna centers as well as all of the white in my design flavor the thought streams that flow through me. I don't have to believe a word it says because it is ultimately just a tiny fraction of what I am. I can take in the entire world with this perspective too, knowing that whatever I am hearing, seeing, perceiving is just a projection of my mind and it isn't really true. Nothing needs to stick, I can let it all flow through me and enjoy the ride. The more I trust in my innate splenic wisdom of the moment, the more I can glide through this life and not try to grasp onto anything. What is true does not come and go. What Is true, what "I" am, is the substratum, the primordial soup from which everything arises. All through the rise and fall of thoughts, ideas...

I don't know what did it but my addiction to popcorn and weed have fallen away just in the last couple months. Also, pretty much a couple weeks after my 35th birthday, my chronic bladder infection that's been with me for the last 2 and a half years has pretty much disappeared. Wow, so many shifts in such a short time. I was always so worried about my addictions, always trying to get rid of them with my willpower and always feeling bad because I couldn't quit. I feel that what really allowed the addictions to fall away was learning to accept my humanity, facing my false identity with inquiry, healing the body/mind with bodywork, and having the courage to face my fears. When I moved to Nevada City, I had the intention of finding healers to work with, and I found so many amazing ones. In just 3 months I ended up attracting exactly what I needed. Melanie gave me 2 sessions of Reconnective Healing which definitely had a profound effect. Coreen , an incredible acupuncturist...

Looking back over just one day that I felt rather blah about I now realize that so many feelings and experiences passed through me. For example... Envy of the cat on my lap, so cozy, so serene, so at peace with sleeping all day Boredom of mundane tasks Appreciation of the orange tint of sunset outside my window Confusion of how I feel about a new relationship Anxiety about a future social situati on that hasn't happened yet Frustration over not feeling like I'm enough Energy and excitement about the possibility of my very own studio apartment Sweet and sassy as I giggled on the phone with a friend Delight as my mouth melted on some pecan soy ice cream Nervousness and overwhelm about starting a new job Sadness and concern about my aversion to people Lost with no direction Sympathy for people who have no home Annoyance at technical difficulties Laziness for not exercising Love for the little toddler having a difficult time communicating with her dad Blessed to ...

Spleen!! A new experience of getting a new job, internship and my first studio of my own just happend to help me understand how my splenic authority works. As a Splenic/Ego Manifestor - The theme for me is this, I'm moving along slowly, resting, working a little, chillin, non-energy being..la la la...then a feeling for change arises and builds, but I've learned now that just because this feeling/thought arises that doesn't mean that I should act...I still need to wait and watch, basically I'm waiting for the splenic hit that comes with the energy surge of the ego...and then all of a sudden there is a necessity and drive to act, every cell in my body suddenly says make a move, I pick up the phone, send some emails, meet who I need to meet, and there is a huge drive and determination to get er done...make it happen...for my own well being...when my authority is clear, and when this ego energy is available, shit happens so fast! And then I rest again :) To be living in ...

Just turned 35, a new cycle has begun. After weeks of being dragged through the proverbial mud, I welcome this shift into peace and clarity...a natural energy has emerged in the body/mind moving towards getting on with it, with this life, maybe even enjoying it again. it is inclining to focus on mastering the mundane, i.e. time to get to work and make some money and see what this money making vehicle (45-21) can do! like a really bad chess player who has lost one too many games, there is proceeding with caution to initiate the next move. the energy is there today, perhaps not tomorrow. i now know it's not in my favor to resist this natural energy flow of the body. if it's tired, i rest. if there's energy, i do. even if the mind doesn't like it one bit. hey MIND, you're not the boss of me!

After I wrote the last post yestereday, something compelled me to just sit and meditate. There's nothing else going on so why not. But there was an element to it that was unique. I wasn't doing it because I was forcing myself to, my body just sat down and I closed my eyes. I began to ask the question over and over again, who is this that is so miserable? Where is this thing I call me? My mind would come up with an answer, and for me there's a general feeling of self that is composed of thoughts and feelings. It feels pretty solid. There is a real sense of a being somewhere. I really started to inquire into that. This time I finally looked closer, I noticed that any thought or feeling I could point out that seemed like a "self" would gradually pass. My answer at one point was, "I am that feeling in my chest." So I would hone in on that feeling, and closely examine it. Okay, so there's a location in my awareness that is around my chest that feels lik...

This time takes the cake for the most miserable time of my life. I don't know if I'm going through a dark night of the soul or if there is some entity in me that has taken over and has had control for a long long time. I contacted a doctor today to check me for parasites. Whatever this is, it has to end. Nobody should have to live like this and I know I am not meant to be this sad. I just got back from Taco Bell and I had 2 cups of coffee, neither of which did anything to make me feel any better. My story is ridiculous, I want to free myself from myself. I'm so confused about what to do. Is there anything to do? I may just need to surrender to this and let go, knowing it's really not up to me what happens to me. I have faith this is all for a reason, that I will get through the darkness to the other side. I am praying my butt off to my guides and God to help me get through this time. There's nothing to do, nowhere to go, nothing to get, and it feels like HELL!@@## I...

I believe you have broken my heart. The colorless world passes me by, day by day no energy to create or engage. I long for your touch My world is nothing without you. What happened to split us apart? What did I do to deserve this? My heart is shattered in a million pieces and All I can do is imagine what it's like to be with you I can't remember your face anymore yet I would give my life to be with you again Lying on the floor, crying out for you Screaming your name Arms spread wide Begging for you to take me back and Pierce my heart with your LIGHT This pain shows me how much I long for YOU how much I love YOU I've never wanted anything more in my life than to be with you again How long must I suffer, Please! Show me the way back I'm on my knees, begging you Animate this human life with your LOVE. I want to see through you once again My heart cries out for you - the ONE Merge back with me and I will be forever yours.

Gate 53 - The Gate of Beginnings Gina Concotelli impacted me with a great reading the other day. One of the things she told me really hit home. She said that with my gate 53, which is part of my Incarnation Cross of En devour, "I have a deep need to start and expand things and doing so keeps me healthy." I'm not sure how healthy this pressure has been for me in the past. Starting about 3 years ago when I realized I was in the wrong career surrounded by the wrong people, I frantically set out to find my true purpose and passion in life. Oh my Open G. For some reason, after all my traveling in 2nd and 3rd world countries, I came back with a mantra that I had an obligation to the world to give back in a big way. After being in Taiwain for almost a year, I really came to appreciate what being born in American meant - opportunity. We as Americans truly can think of what we want to do and pursue it, there's no reason not to. My thinking was this, "I was blessed en...

Human Design came into my life 2 and a half years ago to shock me! I needed a jolt to show me I wasn't living authentically as myself. I had been in a sea of confusion, chaos and self oppression thicker than mud. Thirty three years (and who knows how many lifetimes) of deep conditioning isn't easy to dissolve, however at that point in my life, my misery was so heavy that something had to change. The life force had been drained out of me through so many years of searching for happiness outside of myself and never finding fulfillment. Only now looking back can I truly understand how thick my conditioning has been and how estranged I was from my Beloved. After learning about HD and reading Jed McKenna's 1st book, "Spiritual Enlightenment- The Damndest Thing" I was a launched even deeper into a spiritual dark-night that sucked nearly all the will to live from my being. I came to the stark realization that if this is all meaningless in the end then why should I eve...

"It is to face the collective fear of humanity that lies within the heart of every human’s DNA." 47.3 in detriment today!! Yikes - "A Self Oppression so energized it may prove irreversible and destructive." Oh how I know this gate so well. It's simultaneously the thorn in my foot and reason for existence. When I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, I know it is this gate talking...no yelling at me "the world is an ugly place, people are nasty, I am bad, there is no hope". It tries to get the upper hand to make me give up on life, kneel down before it's power, and surrender to a mediocre existence trapped in the maia. Oh no, I will not bow down!! Luckily this gate is in an open center in my design, so it's not a constant pressure. But when the 47.3 does rear it's ugly head, I become physically unsettled, antsy, unsure of myself, not sure what to do or where to go, and not as trusting in people or the world. I tend to smoke...

I CHOOSE YOU patiently you wait loving me right here allowing me to be as I am tenderly giving where I am able to receive never expecting, never demanding I always sensed you were there through the pain and darkness watching and loving unconditionally revealing yourself slowly you call me deeper with each conscious breath and I begin to discover your mystery crumbling the facade of armor once set firmly around my heart this tortured soul breaks free splitting me wide open to the perfection of all that is now I see clearly while searching the world for true love you were there the whole time patiently waiting for me to turn around and see my SELF is what I seek I flutter back and land by my side so grateful because I finally found you I AM HOME

"I've actually been feeling really good lately, very peaceful and still. I haven't had a spell of depression for a long time." Famous last words on skype last night with my dear friend in Toronto. The dark turbulent waves rolled in slowly this morning, first invading my vivid dark dreams in which my room mate kept changing things in the house so quickly I couldn't keep up, pushing down walls, changing my bed, cleaning and rearranging rooms. I finally collapsed and surrendered into a whirlpool of water floating below the cliffs on a piece of carpet, swirling around stoically while watching monsters overtake our house. And then I awoke with a heavy fatigue. I could've slept forever but instead I decided finally at 11am to see if some caffeine would cheer me up. Sitting at the coffee shop in 1 of the 2 comfy chairs, I am awkwardly close to the pretty lesbian girl sitting in the other chair playing on her computer. My sadness seems evidently palpable but...