Musings of a 6/2 Splenic Manifestor

They say that the first one is usually an easy one. It can act like the carrot on the end of a stick, showing you the potential of what life can be like once you go through the work and release the stuck energy. This was definitely true of my first journey with Ayahuasca. She was gentle and kind to me, opening my heart and mind to the possibility of living a life of love and compassion. I was invited to the ceremony just the night before it happened by a new friend in Santa Cruz, someone I trusted who was a part of the Satsang meeting I went to. It was an intimate group of 8 people joined in the living room of my friends house. My friend was the sitter and his friend was the facilitator/shaman. The medicine was made by a close friend of the shaman who lived in Hawaii. The situation felt safe and I was finally ready to try it. From everything I had heard and read about Ayahuasca I was definitely scared. I had been investigating the medicine for many years now and was finally at a...

After yet another weekend of doing nothing except laying in bed, listening to Adyashanti, eating, walking on the beach and meditating, I woke up this Monday morning thinking "oh good, I have work to do - maybe that will keep me distracted." But the distraction didn't work this time. A depression had been creeping in since the day before. I named it the nothingness. It felt like one of those bluesy days where the weather is kind of weird, there's an eerie stillness in the air, I have no plans and I'm not sure what to do with myself. This time instead of letting it grab me and pull me down into a heavy darkness, I said YES to it. Staring at my computer screen I felt my attention drawn to it in a whole new way. My mind said, "you and me Void, let's go." I left my desk and climbed on my bed for the face off. As I sat and stared into nothing, the tears came. I felt like I was shedding something. The loss of myself, my innocence, who I thought I was, my g...

Instead of viewing my affinity for smoking herb as an enemy, I’m looking at her in a new light today. She is a medicine, here to simultaneously extract a mix of some things beautiful and some things tainted. Mary Jane is my friend. I see the world in a new perspective; I see my mind in a new perspective. A gateway to another dimension is opened and new pieces of my puzzle fit into their places. I sink into my body and all my senses heighten to an 11. My creative mind rutts it’s lovely head. Mary Jane is my foe. The oppression sneaks in (47.3), and reminds me of a differing perspective. That my writing sucks, that addictions are bad, that I can’t complete anything (53.2). My body follows, a sinking sensation in my gut, a tightness in the throat, heart beating faster. It’s an internal battle of right and wrong that the foe is winning at the moment. What I also think that I think is that there is no such thing as good or bad in the scope of the universe and my true existence here on eart...

I love following recipes. Unfortunately, splenic authority is not about following a recipe. It feels like I’m writing a new recipe for a dish that’s never been created before, using ingredients I can’t even pronounce or know where to find. Sure there are guidelines, others have written their own recipe and I can learn about what they’ve done. But as a few of my brutally honest HD friends have pointed out, I keep looking for how to do this experiment in some outside authority. It’s something I’ve done my whole life. My mind desperately wants someone to give me the recipe to get me there, and get me there now. I know I can be incredibly impatient but it’s really not fair that pure sacral generators have an incredible tool to wake them up within weeks and I’m waiting around for some quiet little voice to tell me what to do. And God knows how long that will take to develop. And while I wait, I discover my un-comfort with the present moment. Wanting, wanting, wanting to fill the ever-pre...

The days seem to blend together, time has slowed yet still flies by at top speed. I've moved myself away from the hustle and bustle of southern California to the quiet, peaceful and slower paced life on Kauai to experiment with my design. Finally, the excitement of the new environment has passed and I settle into somewhat of a rhythm of a little bit of work and a lot of relaxation. My de-conditioning has begun. The most significant change I feel is in my emotions or lack of them. I have a fully open emotional center with no gates touching and I used to be a basket case. As I've separated myself from people, crawled up into my roof (I'm a 6/2 in my 2nd phase), my wave is almost non-existent. It feels so cold and heartless sometimes and I don't always like it. In my reading I learned as a Manifestor, I'm here to be a cold hard dense marble that can punch through a wall. It's difficult to imagine myself like that right now because I'm such an open emotional wus...

Does it mean I'm making progress if I'm pissing people off? It's a somewhat critical weekend for me being that it's fathers day and the majority of society including my family deems it necessary to celebrate and acknowledge this holiday. My family gets together and does something for every single holiday and of course I'm not feeling like I really want to go, not exactly sure how I'll feel tomorrow, but pretty sure I'm not going to want to go. This is my perfect opportunity to not let my open emotional center and the emotional blackmail of my family run my life. I could just say no. Or the proper Manifestor thing to do would be to inform them I'm not coming and why. I'm sick of being so proper all the time. But I feel like a total selfish butt head for not just sucking it up for the sake of my fathers feelings and just going to join them. My sister doesn't help any. when I told her I might not come she sighed and said something like, "it doe...

I can't say how true it is about the Open G and importance of place. I swear, my life made a complete 180 when I moved to my little den in Laguna. I truly found my place and a new chapter has begun. I found a relationship. I found GanoCafe business. I found a perfect little group of friends. I got rid of controlling friends who don't fulfill me. I found Human Design. A few weeks ago I was getting a little anxious because my unemployment ran out. (Side note, bless the government for my unemployment. That year was my greatest year of healing, I slept, I hiked, I meditated, I got good at just being. I don't care what anyone says, that money helped me become a healthier, happier person and a more powerful "manifestor" in society. My impact will be more positive and more powerful because of it.) Whenever my mind would start to get nervous about money, I would affirm "I have the perfect job for me right now" and would thank the universe for everything I alrea...