Musings of a 6/2 Splenic Manifestor

"It is to face the collective fear of humanity that lies within the heart of every human’s DNA." 47.3 in detriment today!! Yikes - "A Self Oppression so energized it may prove irreversible and destructive." Oh how I know this gate so well. It's simultaneously the thorn in my foot and reason for existence. When I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, I know it is this gate talking...no yelling at me "the world is an ugly place, people are nasty, I am bad, there is no hope". It tries to get the upper hand to make me give up on life, kneel down before it's power, and surrender to a mediocre existence trapped in the maia. Oh no, I will not bow down!! Luckily this gate is in an open center in my design, so it's not a constant pressure. But when the 47.3 does rear it's ugly head, I become physically unsettled, antsy, unsure of myself, not sure what to do or where to go, and not as trusting in people or the world. I tend to smoke...

I CHOOSE YOU patiently you wait loving me right here allowing me to be as I am tenderly giving where I am able to receive never expecting, never demanding I always sensed you were there through the pain and darkness watching and loving unconditionally revealing yourself slowly you call me deeper with each conscious breath and I begin to discover your mystery crumbling the facade of armor once set firmly around my heart this tortured soul breaks free splitting me wide open to the perfection of all that is now I see clearly while searching the world for true love you were there the whole time patiently waiting for me to turn around and see my SELF is what I seek I flutter back and land by my side so grateful because I finally found you I AM HOME

"I've actually been feeling really good lately, very peaceful and still. I haven't had a spell of depression for a long time." Famous last words on skype last night with my dear friend in Toronto. The dark turbulent waves rolled in slowly this morning, first invading my vivid dark dreams in which my room mate kept changing things in the house so quickly I couldn't keep up, pushing down walls, changing my bed, cleaning and rearranging rooms. I finally collapsed and surrendered into a whirlpool of water floating below the cliffs on a piece of carpet, swirling around stoically while watching monsters overtake our house. And then I awoke with a heavy fatigue. I could've slept forever but instead I decided finally at 11am to see if some caffeine would cheer me up. Sitting at the coffee shop in 1 of the 2 comfy chairs, I am awkwardly close to the pretty lesbian girl sitting in the other chair playing on her computer. My sadness seems evidently palpable but...

They say that the first one is usually an easy one. It can act like the carrot on the end of a stick, showing you the potential of what life can be like once you go through the work and release the stuck energy. This was definitely true of my first journey with Ayahuasca. She was gentle and kind to me, opening my heart and mind to the possibility of living a life of love and compassion. I was invited to the ceremony just the night before it happened by a new friend in Santa Cruz, someone I trusted who was a part of the Satsang meeting I went to. It was an intimate group of 8 people joined in the living room of my friends house. My friend was the sitter and his friend was the facilitator/shaman. The medicine was made by a close friend of the shaman who lived in Hawaii. The situation felt safe and I was finally ready to try it. From everything I had heard and read about Ayahuasca I was definitely scared. I had been investigating the medicine for many years now and was finally at a...

After yet another weekend of doing nothing except laying in bed, listening to Adyashanti, eating, walking on the beach and meditating, I woke up this Monday morning thinking "oh good, I have work to do - maybe that will keep me distracted." But the distraction didn't work this time. A depression had been creeping in since the day before. I named it the nothingness. It felt like one of those bluesy days where the weather is kind of weird, there's an eerie stillness in the air, I have no plans and I'm not sure what to do with myself. This time instead of letting it grab me and pull me down into a heavy darkness, I said YES to it. Staring at my computer screen I felt my attention drawn to it in a whole new way. My mind said, "you and me Void, let's go." I left my desk and climbed on my bed for the face off. As I sat and stared into nothing, the tears came. I felt like I was shedding something. The loss of myself, my innocence, who I thought I was, my g...

Instead of viewing my affinity for smoking herb as an enemy, I’m looking at her in a new light today. She is a medicine, here to simultaneously extract a mix of some things beautiful and some things tainted. Mary Jane is my friend. I see the world in a new perspective; I see my mind in a new perspective. A gateway to another dimension is opened and new pieces of my puzzle fit into their places. I sink into my body and all my senses heighten to an 11. My creative mind rutts it’s lovely head. Mary Jane is my foe. The oppression sneaks in (47.3), and reminds me of a differing perspective. That my writing sucks, that addictions are bad, that I can’t complete anything (53.2). My body follows, a sinking sensation in my gut, a tightness in the throat, heart beating faster. It’s an internal battle of right and wrong that the foe is winning at the moment. What I also think that I think is that there is no such thing as good or bad in the scope of the universe and my true existence here on eart...

I love following recipes. Unfortunately, splenic authority is not about following a recipe. It feels like I’m writing a new recipe for a dish that’s never been created before, using ingredients I can’t even pronounce or know where to find. Sure there are guidelines, others have written their own recipe and I can learn about what they’ve done. But as a few of my brutally honest HD friends have pointed out, I keep looking for how to do this experiment in some outside authority. It’s something I’ve done my whole life. My mind desperately wants someone to give me the recipe to get me there, and get me there now. I know I can be incredibly impatient but it’s really not fair that pure sacral generators have an incredible tool to wake them up within weeks and I’m waiting around for some quiet little voice to tell me what to do. And God knows how long that will take to develop. And while I wait, I discover my un-comfort with the present moment. Wanting, wanting, wanting to fill the ever-pre...