Musings of a 6/2 Splenic Manifestor

I believe you have broken my heart. The colorless world passes me by, day by day no energy to create or engage. I long for your touch My world is nothing without you. What happened to split us apart? What did I do to deserve this? My heart is shattered in a million pieces and All I can do is imagine what it's like to be with you I can't remember your face anymore yet I would give my life to be with you again Lying on the floor, crying out for you Screaming your name Arms spread wide Begging for you to take me back and Pierce my heart with your LIGHT This pain shows me how much I long for YOU how much I love YOU I've never wanted anything more in my life than to be with you again How long must I suffer, Please! Show me the way back I'm on my knees, begging you Animate this human life with your LOVE. I want to see through you once again My heart cries out for you - the ONE Merge back with me and I will be forever yours.

Gate 53 - The Gate of Beginnings Gina Concotelli impacted me with a great reading the other day. One of the things she told me really hit home. She said that with my gate 53, which is part of my Incarnation Cross of En devour, "I have a deep need to start and expand things and doing so keeps me healthy." I'm not sure how healthy this pressure has been for me in the past. Starting about 3 years ago when I realized I was in the wrong career surrounded by the wrong people, I frantically set out to find my true purpose and passion in life. Oh my Open G. For some reason, after all my traveling in 2nd and 3rd world countries, I came back with a mantra that I had an obligation to the world to give back in a big way. After being in Taiwain for almost a year, I really came to appreciate what being born in American meant - opportunity. We as Americans truly can think of what we want to do and pursue it, there's no reason not to. My thinking was this, "I was blessed en...

Human Design came into my life 2 and a half years ago to shock me! I needed a jolt to show me I wasn't living authentically as myself. I had been in a sea of confusion, chaos and self oppression thicker than mud. Thirty three years (and who knows how many lifetimes) of deep conditioning isn't easy to dissolve, however at that point in my life, my misery was so heavy that something had to change. The life force had been drained out of me through so many years of searching for happiness outside of myself and never finding fulfillment. Only now looking back can I truly understand how thick my conditioning has been and how estranged I was from my Beloved. After learning about HD and reading Jed McKenna's 1st book, "Spiritual Enlightenment- The Damndest Thing" I was a launched even deeper into a spiritual dark-night that sucked nearly all the will to live from my being. I came to the stark realization that if this is all meaningless in the end then why should I eve...

"It is to face the collective fear of humanity that lies within the heart of every human’s DNA." 47.3 in detriment today!! Yikes - "A Self Oppression so energized it may prove irreversible and destructive." Oh how I know this gate so well. It's simultaneously the thorn in my foot and reason for existence. When I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, I know it is this gate talking...no yelling at me "the world is an ugly place, people are nasty, I am bad, there is no hope". It tries to get the upper hand to make me give up on life, kneel down before it's power, and surrender to a mediocre existence trapped in the maia. Oh no, I will not bow down!! Luckily this gate is in an open center in my design, so it's not a constant pressure. But when the 47.3 does rear it's ugly head, I become physically unsettled, antsy, unsure of myself, not sure what to do or where to go, and not as trusting in people or the world. I tend to smoke...

I CHOOSE YOU patiently you wait loving me right here allowing me to be as I am tenderly giving where I am able to receive never expecting, never demanding I always sensed you were there through the pain and darkness watching and loving unconditionally revealing yourself slowly you call me deeper with each conscious breath and I begin to discover your mystery crumbling the facade of armor once set firmly around my heart this tortured soul breaks free splitting me wide open to the perfection of all that is now I see clearly while searching the world for true love you were there the whole time patiently waiting for me to turn around and see my SELF is what I seek I flutter back and land by my side so grateful because I finally found you I AM HOME

"I've actually been feeling really good lately, very peaceful and still. I haven't had a spell of depression for a long time." Famous last words on skype last night with my dear friend in Toronto. The dark turbulent waves rolled in slowly this morning, first invading my vivid dark dreams in which my room mate kept changing things in the house so quickly I couldn't keep up, pushing down walls, changing my bed, cleaning and rearranging rooms. I finally collapsed and surrendered into a whirlpool of water floating below the cliffs on a piece of carpet, swirling around stoically while watching monsters overtake our house. And then I awoke with a heavy fatigue. I could've slept forever but instead I decided finally at 11am to see if some caffeine would cheer me up. Sitting at the coffee shop in 1 of the 2 comfy chairs, I am awkwardly close to the pretty lesbian girl sitting in the other chair playing on her computer. My sadness seems evidently palpable but...

They say that the first one is usually an easy one. It can act like the carrot on the end of a stick, showing you the potential of what life can be like once you go through the work and release the stuck energy. This was definitely true of my first journey with Ayahuasca. She was gentle and kind to me, opening my heart and mind to the possibility of living a life of love and compassion. I was invited to the ceremony just the night before it happened by a new friend in Santa Cruz, someone I trusted who was a part of the Satsang meeting I went to. It was an intimate group of 8 people joined in the living room of my friends house. My friend was the sitter and his friend was the facilitator/shaman. The medicine was made by a close friend of the shaman who lived in Hawaii. The situation felt safe and I was finally ready to try it. From everything I had heard and read about Ayahuasca I was definitely scared. I had been investigating the medicine for many years now and was finally at a...