Musings of a 6/2 Splenic Manifestor

The ability to feel the incredible beauty and passion of life is directly related to your willingness to feel the pain of your character's particular piece of human suffering. O ur soul's have each chosen a burden which can seem insurmountable to overcome. Drug and alcohol addictions, a physical illness, depression, physical abuse in childhood, betrayal, mistrust in life and other people, feeling stuck, chronic poverty, abandonment by God, fear of dying, etc. It's all a gift from our Soul to lead us deeper into our hearts. The Beloved will do what it takes to bring you Home even if it means bringing you to unimaginable pain and suffering, even to the edge of death. It takes a simple heart felt intention to be free from whatever it is, the openness to be willing to change, and the courage to do the work. The more you sit with yourself and meet this aspect the more it will rise to the surface to be met. On it's way out it can feel so intense, like it will destroy ...

Your beautiful and brilliant SOUL is calling you home. Will you answer the call? To my friends who are feeling heavy emotions and calling out for something more in their life, I am feeling your tender heart, because I AM YOU. Listen to that voice inside you telling you something is missing, because if you have not yet discovered your own beauty within, there IS something missing. There IS another reality waiting for you, one of joy, passion, freedom, love, beauty and abundance. I’m here to tell you this reality is your birthright and it is POSSIBLE. In this time of the Kali Yuga, the darkest time in the turning of the ages, before the light returns and humanity ascends to the Golden Age once again, we must fight for our birthright with everything we have! You fighting for your TRUE happiness does matter!   This “something more” doesn’t have anything to do with tangible objects, you can’t buy it in a store, or wear it on your body, or get it from a partner. You can’t go ...

Through taking responsibility for ourselves and our emotions in relationships we can see that our pain and suffering is here for our growth. When someone does or says something that "triggers" us and makes us upset, the only choice we have  is to either see the gift or start blaming or lashing out on the person and play the victim. We can choose to stop and feel the pain, breathe through it, and heal it or we can choose to continue to be captive to our childhood wounds. It can be painful process but it's here for our own growth. The mind will try to distort and blame and rationalize, don't listen to it. JUST FEEL! Here's the cold hard truth that's becoming much more clear, no one else is responsible for how you feel. And no one is responsible to make you feel better. When we are triggered, it's due our own un-met shadows within. Will you choose to face and accept the shadow or continue to run away, smoke more pot, guzzle another beer, eat more shit and...

I'm a splenic manifestor with an open emotional center and no activations. (In case you don't know what center that is, it's the white triangle on the right of my chart.) This has been a very tricky center to understand. My emotions are experienced as either completely overwhelming with the collective pain and suffering of humanity and my entire body and mind feels defeated, or I'm neutral and almost "cold". It's difficult for me to feel compassion for just one person but I often feel the plight of a deeply wounded humanity. It's been 7 years of de-conditioning this sucker and it's finally getting a little more clear how to navigate with this vulnerable center. I just ended a very intense 3 month relationship with an emotional generator who is unaware of how his emotional wave functions and through our time together I learned very clearly what it means to be emotionally blackmailed. It's when someone is in their down wave and is trying to m...

Today I’m on my knees longing for HER like I’ve never longed before, it almost feels like unrequited love yet it’s not quite as I am being pulled stronger by that which cannot be seen or heard, but can be felt more and more in the heart.  It’s a painfully slow process, this love affair with the Beloved. HER dance with me is a very long and drawn out romantic dramedy with lots of flirtation and foreplay, betrayal and loss. Sometimes it feels like I'm being tortured with the constant barrage of negative thoughts and extremely fatigued body. These times, I now know are designed to stoke this fire of longing. HER love for me is so immense, she's can be ruthless in her ways to get my attention. During the dark times, she's dragging me in shackles out of this love for me to return to HER.  With just enough crumbs of titliation, where I feel the vibrancy of the silence and the warmth in my heart, I am lured by her more and more. I am given small glimpses beyond the veil...

Day 4 of a 7 day retreat with Devaji: Sinking deeper into the silence,. During both Satsangs today, the entire Sangha is bathed in this rich, loving silence. We all bask in it for a long time after Devaji ends the session. It feels inviting and I am able to avoid coming home from the afternoon session and immediately turning to technology. Instead the body and mind is significantly slowed down, wanting to nurture the stillness and turn within. A slight headache has developed since the morning. Not yet aware that this is the grief wanting to surface. Around 7pm after cleaning, I am already tired, the pressure in the head is stronger. The body sits down on the bed and gazes out the window, the third eye pulses and tingles.  I watch the mechanical thoughts swirl around attempting to grab attention and often successfully doing so. But the love is there and the presence is strong. I doze off to sleep and wake to see the sun is setting. It's only 8pm but I decide to climb under the...

When I moved to Mt Shasta last year in August 2015 to be with Devaji and the Sangha, I had this wild fantasy that I kind of knew what enlightenment was and what it took. With all the work I felt had done already to clear away the darkness, I naively thought, it would only be a matter of months maybe a few short years before I was free. Haha, what a joke. I really thought I had made significant progress towards liberation in my 5 years of being an avid seeker. And honestly, I feel I have done some good work and have taken steps in the right direction. But, what I learned over the past year is that I actually know nothing and I am just a baby in this process. I’ve been deeply humbled and have come to a place of acceptance about how little I know about the emotional intelligence of being human and also how steadfast one must be in this journey to liberation. 5 years of soul searching and working with ayahuasca and I really felt like I made a big dent into some big darkness that kept...