Musings of a 6/2 Splenic Manifestor

2 weeks after I self administered Iboga and experienced death, I was happy to hear that a couple who opened a healing Temple in Iquitos, Peru and were trained shaman were coming to town for a 2 day ayahuasca retreat. It was going to be an intimate setting with just a handful of people in a beautiful home, just the type of style and situation I prefer. I immediately signed up. The first night of this journey was the one of the most difficult nights of my life (I've had a lot of those now). Within 5 minutes of drinking the tea I was puking it up. I thought that meant I wouldn't feel it very much, and I was very wrong. The medicine hit me like a train wreck hitting hard and intense. All thoughts became emotionalized so everything she showed me had so much energy behind it. I saw and faced some of my demons and biggest fears, just what I've been asking for. One of the images that sticks out is of a finger rubbing a nipple, for some reason I was repulsed by it. I then was sh...

This round of Iboga was done at a friends home. I didn't' take enough to be a flood dose and this was not fun. I was shown death, emptiness, non existence to the core. It was horrible, the only thing that existed there was an awareness of an incredible fear. No form, no shape, color, size, or any characteristics, just floating in oblivion, silence, pure awareness, nothing to grab onto, scary as shit. I didn't think I could survive it, there wasn't a strong motivation to fight it or go with it. No desire existed there. All the while the body was restless, tossing here and there, moving rooms, trying desperately to just sleep and let it all go away. Even 36 hours after I ingested only about 8 grams of root bark, I'm still feeling this anxiety about the experience of nothingness, it felt like where we actually come from and where we'll go. The body has been shocked and a current of energy pulses through me, not letting me sit still or sleep. Listening to some kun...

The unmistakeable feeling of just being, full body awareness, An attempt to describe the effects my first Iboga Journey: Since my iboga journey last month, I have yet to write about my experience because truly it was so multi-faceted that I don't know how to begin. but as i sit here reflecting on the days i was at the iboga house, there emerged a theme for the entire journey. That theme was learning and practicing how to "just be" on a new level for myself.  By the time I left my 8 day stay at the treatment center, I was grounded in "being". What the heck does that mean anyways? I will do my best to describe it. It was a very lovely and intense discussion I had with Joel, the house manager at iboga house, 22 hours into my 2nd journey on the 7th day, about the nature of reality and what it means to be awake. Joel had read many books on the topic and studied in detail and was also an avid astrologer so we had a lot of common interests to discuss. I was feeli...

How to put words to the most profound incredible experience of my life. I’m struggling but I want to try. Iboga has reconnected me with my soul, cleared out the demons of the mind and body, and I am no longer craving for substances. (update; this lasted only a few weeks except for ciggarettes which I have never smoked again). I feel better than I have since I can remember. It’s still working on me and I am having waves of realization. My first journey, among many other things, showed me the interconnectedness of all things. It was towards the end of the night about 10 hours into our flood and I opened my eyes to look out at the sky and trees, light was just beginning to illuminate the sky. Everything around me was imbued with the same awareness and divinity as the eyes looking out at it, My eyes. The eye of god was in everything I saw and I was also the eye of god. Reality bubbled over in a continuous outpouring of god’s creating. The trees and sky were breathing just as I was. We w...

I am not my thoughts because they come and go in a background of stillness. These particular thoughts in this particular mind are particularly conditioned to this particular vehicle. The specific gates in my head/ajna centers as well as all of the white in my design flavor the thought streams that flow through me. I don't have to believe a word it says because it is ultimately just a tiny fraction of what I am. I can take in the entire world with this perspective too, knowing that whatever I am hearing, seeing, perceiving is just a projection of my mind and it isn't really true. Nothing needs to stick, I can let it all flow through me and enjoy the ride. The more I trust in my innate splenic wisdom of the moment, the more I can glide through this life and not try to grasp onto anything. What is true does not come and go. What Is true, what "I" am, is the substratum, the primordial soup from which everything arises. All through the rise and fall of thoughts, ideas...

I don't know what did it but my addiction to popcorn and weed have fallen away just in the last couple months. Also, pretty much a couple weeks after my 35th birthday, my chronic bladder infection that's been with me for the last 2 and a half years has pretty much disappeared. Wow, so many shifts in such a short time. I was always so worried about my addictions, always trying to get rid of them with my willpower and always feeling bad because I couldn't quit. I feel that what really allowed the addictions to fall away was learning to accept my humanity, facing my false identity with inquiry, healing the body/mind with bodywork, and having the courage to face my fears. When I moved to Nevada City, I had the intention of finding healers to work with, and I found so many amazing ones. In just 3 months I ended up attracting exactly what I needed. Melanie gave me 2 sessions of Reconnective Healing which definitely had a profound effect. Coreen , an incredible acupuncturist...

Looking back over just one day that I felt rather blah about I now realize that so many feelings and experiences passed through me. For example... Envy of the cat on my lap, so cozy, so serene, so at peace with sleeping all day Boredom of mundane tasks Appreciation of the orange tint of sunset outside my window Confusion of how I feel about a new relationship Anxiety about a future social situati on that hasn't happened yet Frustration over not feeling like I'm enough Energy and excitement about the possibility of my very own studio apartment Sweet and sassy as I giggled on the phone with a friend Delight as my mouth melted on some pecan soy ice cream Nervousness and overwhelm about starting a new job Sadness and concern about my aversion to people Lost with no direction Sympathy for people who have no home Annoyance at technical difficulties Laziness for not exercising Love for the little toddler having a difficult time communicating with her dad Blessed to ...