Monday, May 29, 2017

Your Pain is your Gateway to Passion

The ability to feel the incredible beauty and passion of life is directly related to your willingness to feel the pain of your character's particular piece of human suffering. Our soul's have each chosen a burden which can seem insurmountable to overcome. Drug and alcohol addictions, a physical illness, depression, physical abuse in childhood, betrayal, mistrust in life and other people, feeling stuck, chronic poverty, abandonment by God, fear of dying, etc. It's all a gift from our Soul to lead us deeper into our hearts. The Beloved will do what it takes to bring you Home even if it means bringing you to unimaginable pain and suffering, even to the edge of death. It takes a simple heart felt intention to be free from whatever it is, the openness to be willing to change, and the courage to do the work. The more you sit with yourself and meet this aspect the more it will rise to the surface to be met. On it's way out it can feel so intense, like it will destroy you. Stay with it. Hold it as you would a small child. Because what is discovered overtime in this process is that underneath this fear and pain is the exquisitely sweet and passionate longing of the heart to return to itself. This feeling is what we're looking for. It is Passion. So let your Pain be your gateway to your Passion. Because you can't have one without the other. We all have the Passion of the Christ inside of us to return home and remember that we are the LOVE that we are searching for.

Friday, January 20, 2017

The Revolution Begins with YOU!

Your beautiful and brilliant SOUL is calling you home. Will you answer the call?

To my friends who are feeling heavy emotions and calling out for something more in their life, I am feeling your tender heart, because I AM YOU. Listen to that voice inside you telling you something is missing, because if you have not yet discovered your own beauty within, there IS something missing. There IS another reality waiting for you, one of joy, passion, freedom, love, beauty and abundance. I’m here to tell you this reality is your birthright and it is POSSIBLE.

In this time of the Kali Yuga, the darkest time in the turning of the ages, before the light returns and humanity ascends to the Golden Age once again, we must fight for our birthright with everything we have! You fighting for your TRUE happiness does matter!  

This “something more” doesn’t have anything to do with tangible objects, you can’t buy it in a store, or wear it on your body, or get it from a partner. You can’t go back to school for it, or take a vacation to find it, or work harder at your job to get it. You can’t drink it, smoke it, snort it or take it on your tongue. You can’t take Thrive for it (although the right nutrition will help when times get rough ;)

It’s much more subtle than that, it requires stopping to listen, because at first it’s merely a whisper. A whisper that something isn’t quite right, that what you’ve been taught that life is about is all wrong. Because it is! You’ve been given mental programs to keep you small and keep you in fear. They simply aren’t true, they aren’t who you are, and the pathway HOME is to discover and free yourself from these oppressive programs in your mind.

Your beautiful and brilliant soul is calling you home. Will you answer the call?

Are you willing to listen to that voice that says I’m hurting, I’m sad, I’m lonely, I’m depressed, I want out? and are you willing to feel it and hold that wounded part of yourself like an infant with the love and tenderness of a new mother? Because although those feelings are NOT who you are, they are your friends, they are the doorway back to your original SELF, back to your heart, to the beautiful bright being you were born to be. Be Grateful they have come to rescue you.

Welcome these visitors of shame, pain, sorrow, guilt, anger and fear and give them their stage, be with them and allow them to move through you with puddles of tears and flames of rage! Give them your AWARENESS, that’s all you need to do. They will bring you to your knees. They will make you humble and patient, cracking your heart wide open so you may learn to truly LOVE yourself and others and learn to TRUST in Life to provide for you. They are there to reconnect you to that which created you and that which you long to return to.

I’m not going to sugar coat it, there is an enormous current (the collective mind) that wants to keep you stuck in the mediocrity of life, in the fear of the future, in the busyness of buying things and going places. Your family, friends, and peers, probably won’t understand you when you say to them, Isn’t there something more? I’m depressed. I want to live again!! And they may tell you it’s not possible. Just go back to what everyone else is doing. They may tell you to stay with the job you hate for financial security and to try anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds so you can return to “life as usual”. But do not listen.

Seek a higher wisdom, pray for guidance, get on your friggin knees and call out to a higher power that you don’t yet believe in, shout out to the HEAVENS that you ARE WILLING TO CHANGE! And then wait and Trust that you will be lead to the right person at the right time. Start focusing on YOU and YOU will be taken care of. This is your path, unique to you, and it will begin to get more and more clear as you walk it and begin to TRUST spirit to guide you.

This is your time! These icky feelings are your soul’s whisper that are calling you back to your heart. Do not ignore them. Spend time alone, feel what’s coming through, don’t put on a happy face and pretend you’re not broken hearted and wounded from lifetimes of disappointments from yourself and others. You must take the space to STOP and face this seeming darkness, because these feelings are part of the universal human story and we must feel them if we wish to be liberated from them. We have all been betrayed, lied to, abused, taken advantage of and abandoned. It is OUR Collective STORY, you are not UNIQUE in your story, however alone you may feel in it.

WAKING UP means we must be willing to experience all of it, even the darkness, especially the darkness. Because when we spend time with it we see it is our ally. Yes, the stakes seem to be high, you may not survive, you may be rejected, you may feel like giving up, you may be confused and alone with your own insane mind and heavy emotions. Pray, meditate, walk in nature, listen to those you who resonate with, and learn to be Still. The rewards of your own freedom, of true clear authority and autonomy are worth it!

So if there is stirring within, and you are ready and willing to change, then you can return to a life of magic and mystery without fear of the future, without apologies for who you are, without anxiety, without that annoying taskmaster that says you must work hard to survive and that life is a STRUGGLE.

There IS something more waiting for you. And it is your own precious SELF. And even though there will be resistance from outside forces, going through the darkness of your repressed emotions and fears will be the best gift you can give to you, your family and humanity. For then you can truly shine your light unto the world and BE the change you wish to see in the world. The RevoluciĆ³n starts within.

I love you my fellow WARRIORS of Light. AHO!

I want to share a playlist that has helped move emotions through me for many years.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Jupiter in Libra Opposite Uranus Square Pluto = Accelerated Evolution through Relating

Through taking responsibility for ourselves and our emotions in relationships we can see that our pain and suffering is here for our growth. When someone does or says something that "triggers" us and makes us upset, the only choice we have is to either see the gift or start blaming or lashing out on the person and play the victim. We can choose to stop and feel the pain, breathe through it, and heal it or we can choose to continue to be captive to our childhood wounds. It can be painful process but it's here for our own growth. The mind will try to distort and blame and rationalize, don't listen to it. JUST FEEL!
Here's the cold hard truth that's becoming much more clear, no one else is responsible for how you feel. And no one is responsible to make you feel better. When we are triggered, it's due our own un-met shadows within. Will you choose to face and accept the shadow or continue to run away, smoke more pot, guzzle another beer, eat more shit and numb yourself from the pain? First step is awareness. 2nd step is to STOP And Feel, 3rd Step is to be FREE! Love wants us back so desperately that it's willing to make us suffer until we turn within and face what's blocking us from knowing who we really are, pure LOVE.

Open Emotional Center No Activations - Relationships

I'm a splenic manifestor with an open emotional center and no activations. (In case you don't know what center that is, it's the white triangle on the right of my chart.) This has been a very tricky center to understand. My emotions are experienced as either completely overwhelming with the collective pain and suffering of humanity and my entire body and mind feels defeated, or I'm neutral and almost "cold". It's difficult for me to feel compassion for just one person but I often feel the plight of a deeply wounded humanity.

It's been 7 years of de-conditioning this sucker and it's finally getting a little more clear how to navigate with this vulnerable center. I just ended a very intense 3 month relationship with an emotional generator who is unaware of how his emotional wave functions and through our time together I learned very clearly what it means to be emotionally blackmailed. It's when someone is in their down wave and is trying to manipulate you to make you feel like you're responsible for it, and/or they want you to make them feel better by getting affection from you when you're not really feeling like giving it because of the way their acting. He wanted me to give him nurturing because what I did activated his wounded child but my body didn't trust him because of the distortion of his emotional wave. At first I tried to push against my self and give him this nurturing because I'm a kind person and want to help heal others, but then it felt clear it was going against my authority so I stopped doing that and stood in my power.

The emotionally aware person would know how to take full responsibility for their down wave and learn how to parent and nurture themselves as I have learned to do for myself. I had an entire childhood of walking on eggshells around an emotionally unaware father and I'm so done with this bullshit. I'm finally seeing that it's okay that I'm emotionally neutral, holding a loving silent space for someone to un-ravel is more healing than nurturing them because it gives them a mirror to discover the love and stillness underneath their crisis. And really I would like to have this kind of presence in a partner for when I'm un-raveling as well.

After going through this cycle with him a few times, I was able to see this manipulation happening clearly for the first time and didn't give into his games, stood my ground in my authority, and it felt very empowering. I understand that the wounded child and it's delicate nervous system goes unconscious when triggered, and people say and do stupid shit when they're triggered, I have compassion for this process in everyone including myself. But the lesson I learned here is, No matter what I did, said or didn't do, it's never my fault for how someone else feels. And it's never someone else's fault for how I feel.

We're all perfectly innocent in the pre-ordained unfolding of our character, it's healing and it's story. All we have to do is stay grounded in awareness and as Ra says "Watch the movie". The evolution of our species depends on this quality of awareness developing. What I learned through my teacher Devaji and have experienced for myself is this; all of our painful emotions cycle around again and again for the opportunity to feel and heal them. Relationships are a wonderful opportunity for these wounds to get triggered and when someone does trigger this pain, it's truly a gift, not a punishment.

I've also learned through this relationship how to see and be with my own shadow and through loving it I can love myself and others more completely. Wow, Jupiter in Libra square Pluto in Capricorn = accelerated evolution through relationships.

Friday, August 5, 2016

Glimpsing through the Glass Vortex of Reality

Today I’m on my knees longing for HER like I’ve never longed before, it almost feels like unrequited love yet it’s not quite as I am being pulled stronger by that which cannot be seen or heard, but can be felt more and more in the heart. 

It’s a painfully slow process, this love affair with the Beloved. HER dance with me is a very long and drawn out romantic dramedy with lots of flirtation and foreplay, betrayal and loss. Sometimes it feels like I'm being tortured with the constant barrage of negative thoughts and extremely fatigued body. These times, I now know are designed to stoke this fire of longing. HER love for me is so immense, she's can be ruthless in her ways to get my attention. During the dark times, she's dragging me in shackles out of this love for me to return to HER. 

With just enough crumbs of titliation, where I feel the vibrancy of the silence and the warmth in my heart, I am lured by her more and more. I am given small glimpses beyond the veil and delicious morsels of sweetness which keep me coming back for more. My desire to sit and be silent is more natural now. There is no discipline to it, I just find myself throughout the day at some point, wanting to sit quietly and so I do.

When there are glimpses through the veil, the focus isn’t on the mind, it’s on where the thoughts, sounds and sensations are coming from. If I had to try and describe it would be like a glass funnel vortex, with a constant flow of phenomena emanating from it that begins and ends in my chest. Reality flows from the middle of it and over the sides in a constant never ending river of watery creation that has beginning and no end. It’s a bubbling spring of light and color, sensations and sounds, feelings and thoughts. The matrix rebuilding itself over and over, pixel by pixel in each moment.

The glimpses have been not a shift in perception of what my eyes see, but a shift in how I feel the this bubbling realty happening through my heart center. The body, which used to experience the world through my mind and it’s constant commentary of me and my character in this environment now is becoming more sensitive to it’s environment and experiencing the world viscerally through my heart and other senses as well. The trees and the wind, the emotional waves of other humans, the trickling of the creek, a vulture overhead, the thoughts floating by,  it’s all a part of this movie we call Trista and her story from her point of view on the funnel of reality.

We’re all connected through this watery funnel of love which has no distinct qualities, no opinions about what should or shouldn't be happening, it's completely at peace and just enjoying the show. This place is where we meet in the deepest sense. 

The character I call me is just part of that pixelation, or overflow of continuous LOVE (although the feeling of love is fleeting and not very strong yet). She’s part of the entire flow of the picture and somehow it’s emanating from her. The area it’s flowing from is the center of what we call our chest. And another area just between the eyebrows which we called the 3rd eye vibrates and tingles more and more as I dip in and play with the stillness, and she teases me over and over, very slowly dancing with me, luring me to the edge of reality, to the silence beyond the thoughts. 

What else is waiting there for me in this Silence?

Monday, July 25, 2016

Retreat with Devaji: Grief & the Agony of SELF Abandonment

Day 4 of a 7 day retreat with Devaji:

Sinking deeper into the silence,. During both Satsangs today, the entire Sangha is bathed in this rich, loving silence. We all bask in it for a long time after Devaji ends the session. It feels inviting and I am able to avoid coming home from the afternoon session and immediately turning to technology. Instead the body and mind is significantly slowed down, wanting to nurture the stillness and turn within.

A slight headache has developed since the morning. Not yet aware that this is the grief wanting to surface.

Around 7pm after cleaning, I am already tired, the pressure in the head is stronger. The body sits down on the bed and gazes out the window, the third eye pulses and tingles.  I watch the mechanical thoughts swirl around attempting to grab attention and often successfully doing so. But the love is there and the presence is strong. I doze off to sleep and wake to see the sun is setting. It's only 8pm but I decide to climb under the covers and play some calming music. The body sinks into my cozy bed and jolts every so often as it breathes deeply. It feels like energy shooting up the body and getting stuck at the heart center.

One hand rests on the heart, the other on the womb. The breath slows. The healing music is taken in deeply in every cell. I feel safe, I feel love. It's different this time, no fear, no resistance; instead there's a welcoming of this energy.

The body jolts and sobs from the heart before the tears actually come. It's a familiar feeling that happened often during my ayahuasca ceremonies. The grief is held deep within and the body in it's wisdom shakes itself to loosen the trauma. Images flash of me as a child around 10 years old in my room, having the sense of being watched, not understanding what this feeling was. And having the sense of being very lost and confused and not feeling love.  Feeling this child, abandoned from the Love that she is, and all the chaos and confusion over the life that unfolded as a result. It brings tremendous Grief and sadness for this child and all the other children who experience the same thing.

The overwhelming agony of me/this child being separated from her heart begins to release through my body. How could I abandon my SELF for so long? Feeling so many years of so much pain and suffering of being lost. And now overwhelmed with Gratitude for the Ocean of Love that I am swimming in from Devaji and my sangha family. The tears flow for this incredible gratitude and tremendous grief, both equal forces on my heart. And it was divinely human.

Waves of Love from myself for myself, I go back to the scene in my bedroom and see that this Love was the thing that was watching me and it was there with me all along, through the whole journey.

Returning to my own Radiant Heart.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Reality Check; Enlightenment isn't an Escape Button

When I moved to Mt Shasta last year in August 2015 to be with Devaji and the Sangha, I had this wild fantasy that I kind of knew what enlightenment was and what it took. With all the work I felt had done already to clear away the darkness, I naively thought, it would only be a matter of months maybe a few short years before I was free. Haha, what a joke. I really thought I had made significant progress towards liberation in my 5 years of being an avid seeker. And honestly, I feel I have done some good work and have taken steps in the right direction. But, what I learned over the past year is that I actually know nothing and I am just a baby in this process. I’ve been deeply humbled and have come to a place of acceptance about how little I know about the emotional intelligence of being human and also how steadfast one must be in this journey to liberation.
5 years of soul searching and working with ayahuasca and I really felt like I made a big dent into some big darkness that kept me stuck in this contracted reality of a body and mind. But the truth is, I had just scratched the surface. This year has been one of nearly continuous purging with a few reprieves and glimpses of truth & beauty. I’m so blessed to be surrounded by some of the most unconditionally loving people on the planet and this Love is creating a safe space to cradle me back to wholeness.
I feel that the deck I was dealt in this life has been so incredibly difficult internally. There’s been a constant barrage of negative thinking, (with a stellium of planets in my 3rd house including Pluto and my progressed Sun in Scorpio, jeezus f’ing Christ! it’s lot of Scorpio people), it’s been a life of deep transformation and facing difficult truths. A nearly constant mental torment of self oppression, insecurity, seeing the darkness in people and life and not understanding why I see this, and just plain confusion about everything. This created a extreme sense of lack and insecurity about myself, my perception of the world and speaking my truth. There’s been such chaos and confusion in my life that there was really no one to trust, especially not my own mind.
So naturally, God was the next thing presented to me as something consistent, loving and stable to turn to. Enlightenment has been a very appealing path, what was appealing at first is I thought it’s like an escape button, and if there’s an option to get the fuck out of this insanity of being human, I’m choosing that one. I felt that becoming free from this body/mind would allow me to escape this character and her sad story all together and rest in the bliss of being. And in a sense this is true. Once we are completely un-identified with our body and mind, we do get to rest in the bliss of being. But the reality is that enlightenment is anything but an escape button and very rarely do people just "wake up" and all identification is wiped out.
What I didn’t fully grasp was how deeply into the heart of Trista I have to go in order to become free from her story. Every fear, every repressed emotion, every situation I’ve avoided, all the relationship stuff I’ve hidden from must be met. No stone will be unturned. In order to merge back with my SELF, all of this uncomfortable stuff must be allowed to surface, to be felt deeply, to be loved and released. Devaji often talks about "meeting it all the way" and I'm slowly learning what this means.
This work is a fucking difficult and exhausting and I’ve realized I really need to pace myself. And with this extreme fatigue I’ve had, my body is only allowing so much so it’s not like I’m choosing to pace myself, the body is doing it. As Devaji says, everything unfolds in it’s perfect timing.
In typical Trista fashion, when I find something I’m passionate about, I’m overly driven to hurry up and get things done quickly, effectively and be the first to achieve it. This is my Open root in human design. There is a competitive driven conditioning in me, So this conditioning is being worn down and it’s painful. Devaji pointed out to me in the chair one Satsang after I collapsed crying in his arms, that my character overcompensated as a child from not being fully taken care of by being Driven to get it for myself, to take care of myself. It's true, I've worn myself out thinking I had to do it all myself. This past year has really been about letting go and learning to be taken care of. I’ve somehow made my way into the most supportive, loving community of incredible people who’ve done the work and are here ready with open arms to receive me and help me meet all of my shadows. It’s like the jackpot for any seeker to fall into this situation because without this Love there’s no way I could meet the amount of Scorpionic darkness that is slowly revealing itself.
And so I will continue, constantly humbling myself to the One who knows what’s best for Trista and learning to have the strength and courage to receive what is being given no matter how ugly and confusing it feels. And with each exquisitely painful and purifying purge, disassembling the false belief that I am separate from God