Saturday, June 16, 2018

Chronic Illness & Spiritual Awakening

Epstein-Barr Virus can be brutal, I know because it's what I've been working with for the past 10 years, maybe more. It carried me through an 8 year Dark Night of the Soul where I faced many demons and core level fears. Self hatred, deep inadequacy, codependency, and many more ego issues were met and burned through.

The darkness was so intense and so relentless at times, I almost gave up on life, yet something didn't let me. Something inside knew this experience was leading me somewhere my mind could not understand. What is clear now, is that taking away my energy and health was God's vehicle of pure love and light. It was a way for my ego to be purified and my personal will humbled into nothing.

It's been the heroine's journey to return me back to my own purity and beautiful heart where true happiness lives. I hope this video will help others realize the gift of this condition, as hard as it can be, to trust that the gifts it will bring will be abundant and well worth the journey. I love you my fellow warriors of Love and Light! Be well, you are being guided Home.

https://youtu.be/fAK41Fzj6qI

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Heading to India oh my!

Counting down 4 days til I embark upon a 10 week pilgrimage to India. Excited and nervous. Some burning is inevitable, some fatigue is definite, emotional breakdowns are probable, some bliss is likely, but whatever will happen on this journey is welcomed. There is true faith in the fact that I am being guided in perfect timing to finally and completely let go of the separate "I" and be returned to the natural state of pure joy and love in every moment no matter what is happening in this movie. The end of all fear is near. I will be spending lots of time with the mountain called Arunachala where Ramana Maharishi the awakened master sat his entire life. He transmitted the Truth through mostly silence. He is the most revered teacher in India and I am so honored to be heading his way. Although my relationship with Ramana is not very intimate at this point, he did come to me in a shamanic journey a couple years back. With the soundtrack of some live drumming, I was guided to the upper world to meet a spirit guide. I climbed a tree and jumped to a cloud then traveled via giant Hawk up through the sky into the vast open space of the universe. Hovering in a cloud in the heavens I waited patiently with the knowing that someone may or may not come and I was not to force anything to happen. I had learned from previous journeys to just let the subconscious mind do it's thing and not expect anything. And the logical mind as usual was most skeptical of this sort of thing. However, after a few minutes of waiting and a few times of requesting a spirit guide to come, to my surprise, Ramana appeared. He gave me a simple message. "You must go all the way." And it was just 2 weeks after this experience when a new friend told me about Devaji. Some say that Devaji is an incarnation of Ramana. I would say they are correct. They share the same birthday and many other similarities. Devaji has a very powerful effect that drew me in immediately. Within meeting him at my first retreat, I felt so pulled to his transmission of Love that I moved to Shasta to be with him full time. Now I consider waking up my full time job and miraculously have been supported in this endevour. Little did I know that the Love that him, his wife and the sangha would shower on this shattered soul would be just the recipe for freedom and healing that I needed. It was this unconditional love that was needed to allow the deepest pain to surface, to be felt, to be held and to be freed. I am so blessed to fall into this ocean and now to be heading to the motherland and Shiva mountain with my sweetie who is ironically named Arjuna. (warrior of Truth). Thanks for sharing in this journey my friends. Your words of kindness have been a warm blanket of support on this treacherous journey. In truth, the deep suffering has been my greatest gift from God. It takes great desire to break free from the shackles of the ego and without the suffering, freedom would not be desired and so passionately sought. Jai Ma!

Sunday, October 29, 2017

EBV and spiritual awakening; A blessing in disguise


There has been struggling with Epstein Barr Virus for as long as I can remember, at least 15 years, probably more. I didn't know for sure that it was EBV up until last month. It started to manifest many years ago as a deep depression and fatigue that just got progressively worse.

When you have a life threatening illness, it's important to do what you can to heal the body. But what's more important is to heal the soul.


Back in college 17 years ago, there were repeated dreams where I was so extremely tired that I would lay down on the floor in the middle of class and fall into a deep heavy sleep. These dreams were an omen of what was to come. EBV would cyclically strip me of all life force to the point of near death over and over again.

This journey with EBV has taken me on such a profound spiritual quest that I actually wouldn't trade it for anything. It's been a forced deep dive into the heart of darkness to face every fear and belief that keeps me stuck in separation from God; from knowing my true eternal nature. Through the grace of EBV, I am being dragged back Home to my true original SELF. Back to a state of pure bliss and joy that can not be taken by anyone or anything, including an EBV flare up.

Anyone who has EBV knows what hell is like; days upon days of waking up feeling like shit, no energy to do anything, no ability to participate in life, and just being forced to lay in bed with your dark thoughts and dying aching body. After so many years of cycles into darkness I can say I've been to hell and back so many times it's like a 2nd home to me. 


"In a murderous time, the heart breaks and breaks and lives by breaking. It is necessary to go through dark and deeper dark and not to turn." ~Stanley Kunitz


The greatest blessing of EBV is that it has caused such deep suffering that there really has been nothing else to do but turn to Truth, to go within and find out who I really am. It has stripped me of all worldly desires simply because there is no energy for pursuing them. I have had no choice but to learn how to slow down and be still. To be with myself in silence and find out who I really am beyond the body and mind.

So this is my update from the healing trenches from a spiritual perspective. It's been awhile since I posted anything online, there's been an extended retreat into silence and stillness with Devaji and sangha. I've been attending every retreat he offers and now that I'm living in Mt Shasta I am attending the core group satsangs as well. I do not watch or listen to the news nor have I been on facebook or reading anything. Just learning to simply be..a Warrior of Truth.

What does that mean to be a Warrior? It means that when things get intense, the body crashes and the mind spins into fear, rather than getting swept up in the stories that something is wrong, to keep still, go within, pray to be a vessel of light and to just witness. To watch the mind spin it's stories of survival, of not being enough, not doing enough, and that everyone is mad at me and I need to do more to be loved. And to watch and RECEIVE whatever is arising, the pain of the body, the agony of the heart, the psychic attack of the mind, to receive all of it like a mother would hold her child.

And to really look and see, where is all this coming from? Who is the Me that is suffering? Can I actually find a Me?

"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you." ~ Gospel of Thomas

This is a truth which every mystic knows. As a result of facing the darkness within time after time, and watching the fears rise up and dissolve, a deep trust in life has arisen. I can see the perfection in all of it, even what the mind would call bad. I can feel the incredible grace in this sickness which has lead me down the rabbit hole in the passionate pursuit of Truth. And I have been show true LOVE, for myself, for life in all it's flavors and colors, and true compassion for myself and others.

I do not wish anything were different. This is easy to say when I'm not in a flare up. But truly each round with EBV brings me into deeper surrender, deeper peace and a more intimate relationship with What Is or God.  


Allowing and feeling the pain of lifetimes has burst the heart wide open and softened the hard shell which was built around it for so long. The rewards of this process is feeling more passion, more and more natural joy and love and an incredible compassion for myself and human condition. And the story of me and "my suffering" dissolves more and more. I am returning to my natural state of No One where true happiness reside.

I have been gifted with donations from my beloved sangha to go to India with Devaji this winter. I will be sitting with him at the feet of Arunachala where Ramana Maharishi lived and transmitted the silence for so many years. The trip got me reinvigorated to get this body strong, so there was a looking online for more help to address EBV. I came across oral hydrogen peroxide therapy and am giving it a try. Using this, a rife machine and some targeted supplements, there is a feeling of hope again that I can live EBV free. I also came across this wonderful support group on Facebook.

Whether or not the body fully recovers is irrelevant as I have tasted Truth and it's all I want. I have been given a few glimpses over the years of what it means to live outside the maia, the illusion, the box of the separate one. This place contains the deepest peace and joy that one could never imagine. It is a place where the joy and love remain despite what is happening in the body or mind or the world around us. It is Heaven on Earth and we are all being invited to return to this place.

If you have been given the gift of EBV, heed the invitation dear one. Your life is already being slowed down for you. Learn to be still. Feel the emotions that want to be felt. Watch the mind in it's insanity and see it for the innocent trouble maker that it is. Stop! and feel your heart. Focus on the awareness that never leaves you. This is where your true happiness lives.

Yes it is important to take care of the body, get the right supplements and change your diet. However this life is fleeting and it will be over soon, the body is dying anyways. You might as well spend your valuable time here finding out who you really are. Our suffering is our gift from Creator, he/she/it wants us back so badly she is willing to put us in hell so we begin to turn towards the Light within.

For the physical side of things, see my next post. I have been guided to the H202 or hydrogen peroxide therapy to kill the virus and get the body strong for my trip to India in December. Oh boy!


Monday, July 17, 2017

Human Design PHS Experiment - Diet of Indirect Light and Touch

*Update 10/29/17 - I only lasted on my PHS experiment for about 2 weeks, turns out my energy crashes are due to a much larger issue than when I eat. Found out from some blood work that I have Epstein Barr Virus and this is why I'm so exhausted all the time. I knew I had it intuitively, but now that I have this evidence, I'm addressing it with different supplements and oral hydrogen peroxide therapy. See my next post for details. Good luck with your PHS experiment.

Today is Day 5 of my Indirect Light Touch eating experiment. Feeling good and it's been surprisingly easy to just drink liquids and munch on a few carrots during the day. (on a side note I am using Thrive with the DFT Duo patch which helps cut cravings tremendously, a huge reason it's been much easier this time around.) Night time comes and there's this energy, mostly mental, I've never experienced before. This PLR DRR Manifestor passive body is truly meant to just chill most of the time. I now accept even at my peak energy levels and health, I will never be a generator doing things and going places on a consistent basis. It's really this mind that the nutrition is meant for. And even that needs long periods of rest and meditation. The past few years I've become a pretty healthy eater out of necessity to try and heal a chronic fatigue situation. So slowly I've gotten rid of food addictions (popcorn and coffee were the last ones to go) and now eat very little sugar, no gluten, mostly veggies and organic meats, and some healthy clean carbs.. and all in a search to find out what was making my energy crash and honestly it has been impossible to find a pattern with relation to food and the body's energy.
Ironically, Ra has said that it doesn't matter what is eaten was long as it is dark out, the body will take in the nutrition. So there is curiosity to test this theory but not want to go overboard with eating "toxic cardboard" food. But last night I tested it, I made a 4 hour drive in the evening to avoid the heat, I was excited for the sun to set so I could eat yet not sure what I wanted to eat. I ended up stopping at Panda Express of all places, fast food I haven't eaten in years. It was intense in flavor and kind of satisfying. Then I was still hungry about an hour later and stopped and ate Taco Bell, then around midnight I had a piece of sourdough toast - not gluten free! - with butter and jam just to make sure I went to be on a full stomach. Today I'm feeling really stable energy despite all the junk I ate last night. Feeling Surprised and Curious that this is happening and encouraged to keep going. Anyone else experiment with this "you can eat anything as long as it's at night" theory? How's your PHS experiment going? The PHS Determination in Human Design is about how we take in nutrition from our food and people in the most optimal way. My Color is 6 and I am Right Fixed which means my design absorbs the most nutrition after the sun goes down or in Indirect Light. If I do eat during the day I can pull the curtains closed and eat by a lamp. But I'm going extreme this time and only eating when it's dark out, which right now is 8:30pm so it's a long day. My Tone is 6 which indicates a need to touch my food when preparing and/or eating it because my fingers are literally taking in the nutrition information from the food more so than my mouth.



Monday, May 29, 2017

Your Pain is your Gateway to Passion

The ability to feel the incredible beauty and passion of life is directly related to your willingness to feel the pain of your character's particular piece of human suffering. Our soul's have each chosen a burden which can seem insurmountable to overcome. Drug and alcohol addictions, a physical illness, depression, physical abuse in childhood, betrayal, mistrust in life and other people, feeling stuck, chronic poverty, abandonment by God, fear of dying, etc. It's all a gift from our Soul to lead us deeper into our hearts. The Beloved will do what it takes to bring you Home even if it means bringing you to unimaginable pain and suffering, even to the edge of death. It takes a simple heart felt intention to be free from whatever it is, the openness to be willing to change, and the courage to do the work. The more you sit with yourself and meet this aspect the more it will rise to the surface to be met. On it's way out it can feel so intense, like it will destroy you. Stay with it. Hold it as you would a small child. Because what is discovered overtime in this process is that underneath this fear and pain is the exquisitely sweet and passionate longing of the heart to return to itself. This feeling is what we're looking for. It is Passion. So let your Pain be your gateway to your Passion. Because you can't have one without the other. We all have the Passion of the Christ inside of us to return home and remember that we are the LOVE that we are searching for.

Friday, January 20, 2017

The Revolution Begins with YOU!


Your beautiful and brilliant SOUL is calling you home. Will you answer the call?

To my friends who are feeling heavy emotions and calling out for something more in their life, I am feeling your tender heart, because I AM YOU. Listen to that voice inside you telling you something is missing, because if you have not yet discovered your own beauty within, there IS something missing. There IS another reality waiting for you, one of joy, passion, freedom, love, beauty and abundance. I’m here to tell you this reality is your birthright and it is POSSIBLE.

In this time of the Kali Yuga, the darkest time in the turning of the ages, before the light returns and humanity ascends to the Golden Age once again, we must fight for our birthright with everything we have! You fighting for your TRUE happiness does matter!  

This “something more” doesn’t have anything to do with tangible objects, you can’t buy it in a store, or wear it on your body, or get it from a partner. You can’t go back to school for it, or take a vacation to find it, or work harder at your job to get it. You can’t drink it, smoke it, snort it or take it on your tongue. You can’t take Thrive for it (although the right nutrition will help when times get rough ;)

It’s much more subtle than that, it requires stopping to listen, because at first it’s merely a whisper. A whisper that something isn’t quite right, that what you’ve been taught that life is about is all wrong. Because it is! You’ve been given mental programs to keep you small and keep you in fear. They simply aren’t true, they aren’t who you are, and the pathway HOME is to discover and free yourself from these oppressive programs in your mind.

Your beautiful and brilliant soul is calling you home. Will you answer the call?

Are you willing to listen to that voice that says I’m hurting, I’m sad, I’m lonely, I’m depressed, I want out? and are you willing to feel it and hold that wounded part of yourself like an infant with the love and tenderness of a new mother? Because although those feelings are NOT who you are, they are your friends, they are the doorway back to your original SELF, back to your heart, to the beautiful bright being you were born to be. Be Grateful they have come to rescue you.

Welcome these visitors of shame, pain, sorrow, guilt, anger and fear and give them their stage, be with them and allow them to move through you with puddles of tears and flames of rage! Give them your AWARENESS, that’s all you need to do. They will bring you to your knees. They will make you humble and patient, cracking your heart wide open so you may learn to truly LOVE yourself and others and learn to TRUST in Life to provide for you. They are there to reconnect you to that which created you and that which you long to return to.

I’m not going to sugar coat it, there is an enormous current (the collective mind) that wants to keep you stuck in the mediocrity of life, in the fear of the future, in the busyness of buying things and going places. Your family, friends, and peers, probably won’t understand you when you say to them, Isn’t there something more? I’m depressed. I want to live again!! And they may tell you it’s not possible. Just go back to what everyone else is doing. They may tell you to stay with the job you hate for financial security and to try anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds so you can return to “life as usual”. But do not listen.

Seek a higher wisdom, pray for guidance, get on your friggin knees and call out to a higher power that you don’t yet believe in, shout out to the HEAVENS that you ARE WILLING TO CHANGE! And then wait and Trust that you will be lead to the right person at the right time. Start focusing on YOU and YOU will be taken care of. This is your path, unique to you, and it will begin to get more and more clear as you walk it and begin to TRUST spirit to guide you.

This is your time! These icky feelings are your soul’s whisper that are calling you back to your heart. Do not ignore them. Spend time alone, feel what’s coming through, don’t put on a happy face and pretend you’re not broken hearted and wounded from lifetimes of disappointments from yourself and others. You must take the space to STOP and face this seeming darkness, because these feelings are part of the universal human story and we must feel them if we wish to be liberated from them. We have all been betrayed, lied to, abused, taken advantage of and abandoned. It is OUR Collective STORY, you are not UNIQUE in your story, however alone you may feel in it.

WAKING UP means we must be willing to experience all of it, even the darkness, especially the darkness. Because when we spend time with it we see it is our ally. Yes, the stakes seem to be high, you may not survive, you may be rejected, you may feel like giving up, you may be confused and alone with your own insane mind and heavy emotions. Pray, meditate, walk in nature, listen to those you who resonate with, and learn to be Still. The rewards of your own freedom, of true clear authority and autonomy are worth it!

So if there is stirring within, and you are ready and willing to change, then you can return to a life of magic and mystery without fear of the future, without apologies for who you are, without anxiety, without that annoying taskmaster that says you must work hard to survive and that life is a STRUGGLE.

There IS something more waiting for you. And it is your own precious SELF. And even though there will be resistance from outside forces, going through the darkness of your repressed emotions and fears will be the best gift you can give to you, your family and humanity. For then you can truly shine your light unto the world and BE the change you wish to see in the world. The RevoluciĆ³n starts within.

I love you my fellow WARRIORS of Light. AHO!

I want to share a playlist that has helped move emotions through me for many years. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLSgtRxweQlwBTy7LAazYdnnotGNFiOBEE

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Jupiter in Libra Opposite Uranus Square Pluto = Accelerated Evolution through Relating

Through taking responsibility for ourselves and our emotions in relationships we can see that our pain and suffering is here for our growth. When someone does or says something that "triggers" us and makes us upset, the only choice we have is to either see the gift or start blaming or lashing out on the person and play the victim. We can choose to stop and feel the pain, breathe through it, and heal it or we can choose to continue to be captive to our childhood wounds. It can be painful process but it's here for our own growth. The mind will try to distort and blame and rationalize, don't listen to it. JUST FEEL!
Here's the cold hard truth that's becoming much more clear, no one else is responsible for how you feel. And no one is responsible to make you feel better. When we are triggered, it's due our own un-met shadows within. Will you choose to face and accept the shadow or continue to run away, smoke more pot, guzzle another beer, eat more shit and numb yourself from the pain? First step is awareness. 2nd step is to STOP And Feel, 3rd Step is to be FREE! Love wants us back so desperately that it's willing to make us suffer until we turn within and face what's blocking us from knowing who we really are, pure LOVE.