Sunday, November 18, 2012
I am not my thoughts because they come and go in a background of stillness. These particular thoughts in this particular mind are particularly conditioned to this particular vehicle. The specific gates in my head/ajna centers as well as all of the white in my design flavor the thought streams that flow through me. I don't have to believe a word it says because it is ultimately just a tiny fraction of what I am. I can take in the entire world with this perspective too, knowing that whatever I am hearing, seeing, perceiving is just a projection of my mind and it isn't really true. Nothing needs to stick, I can let it all flow through me and enjoy the ride. The more I trust in my innate splenic wisdom of the moment, the more I can glide through this life and not try to grasp onto anything.
What is true does not come and go. What Is true, what "I" am, is the substratum, the primordial soup from which everything arises. All through the rise and fall of thoughts, ideas, beliefs, sensations, and feelings there is this, a watcher of it all, it notices everything and it is completely impartial to what comes and goes. This is me, my true identity. I am that and everything in between. I can let consciousness go where it wants and don't have to control it.
I can play with the thoughts, engage them or let them go, push them away or indulge in them, however, they are not here to make the decision for the body nor tell me anything about what's really true. What then precipitates action? If it isn't thoughts, then where does the movement of this vehicle come from? This question has been my mission to investigate and get to the bottom of for the last 5 years of my life. For me it's the core of my spiritual journey. It seems as though most of my life there is thought which proceeds action. But perhaps in the time space continuum of the universe the reverse is true and our body/mind system's are either too conditioned or not sophisticated enough to detect that action comes before thought. What I have noticed is that the less I try to control this vehicle, the more I see it's innate intelligence in knowing what I need and when I need it.
Without my mind commenting and weighing out every decision, would I be making any moves, would the body still be going this way and that way despite the minds agreement or thoughts on it? YES. It is to see that we are living out our designs anyways and that what the mind thinks about it it is completely irrelevant. The human design says this body will move through the life whether or not we think about it. Once we can establish a solid foundation in witness consciousness and know we are not our minds, trusting that the body will take us where we need to go, then the life truly becomes an entertaining movie. This engages the mind in a different way and the story of "me" and my life becomes much lighter and quieter. We get to play out our character and dance with creation.
There has been a shift in awareness, the deep trust in what I really am is no longer debatable. So these days, when waves of sadness, depression, boredom, anxiety, or a sense of inadequacy wash over me, instead of wallowing in it and letting the energy get stuck, I open my heart to it. I become curious about it and truly investigate what it is. I am able to release the idea that my experience should be different than what it currently is, and I can "be" sadness on a whole new dimension. The label of "saddness" begins to disappear as I see there is no one here to be sad. There is just a wave of sensation and thoughts appearing and disappearing in this ocean of being. I don't have to do anything about the state because I know the witness, my true self, doesn't actually give a shit about getting out of the state of depression, it's just stoked to experience the whole array of human emotion. It/Life/Consciousness/God/Spirit wants me to be in it 100%, whatever "it" is. With this realization it seems the depression is no longer able to stick like it used to. I am getting to see what a beautiful mysterious unfolding of Love this expression of life truly is. Even in the depths of despair. Even during those moments of loneliness and having no idea what to do next. It's all good. These moments are all part of my movie.
The Siddhi of Gate 48 and my Life's Work according to human design is to get to "experience the full spectrum of consciousness, feelings, awareness and sensations uninhibited in human form." YES. This is what is happening as I let go and allow whatever wants to arise to be here. I am finally getting to see and be in awe of the beauty of my humanity.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
I don't know what did it but my addiction to popcorn and weed have fallen away just in the last couple months. Also, pretty much a couple weeks after my 35th birthday, my chronic bladder infection that's been with me for the last 2 and a half years has pretty much disappeared. Wow, so many shifts in such a short time. I was always so worried about my addictions, always trying to get rid of them with my willpower and always feeling bad because I couldn't quit. I feel that what really allowed the addictions to fall away was learning to accept my humanity, facing my false identity with inquiry, healing the body/mind with bodywork, and having the courage to face my fears.
When I moved to Nevada City, I had the intention of finding healers to work with, and I found so many amazing ones. In just 3 months I ended up attracting exactly what I needed. Melanie gave me 2 sessions of Reconnective Healing which definitely had a profound effect. Coreen, an incredible acupuncturist has given me 5 weekly acupuncture treatments and that has helped my bladder infection a lot. Ash gave me Rosen bodywork. Kirsten did a Hakomi therapy session with me. And of course there is the Kundalini Yoga and my teacher Jai Dev. I feel that this practice and his teachings accelerated the healing process 10 fold. But really I feel all of these things combined have contributed to my healing. Facing my shit has contributed a lot as well. The amazing thing is that I was able to trade for most of it. Nevada City is a pretty magical place to live.
The other day, 3 days before my 35th birthday, when my body sat down and inquired into the nature of my "self" there was definitely some shifting going on in my being. I could literally feel stuff being moved around. Ever since that day there has been a sense of peace I have never felt before.
I feel so blessed today. The universe has been kind to me. Sometimes it takes time and distance to see how much you have really received what you were asking for. I feel like I'm finally coming out of the darkness and into the light. And the ironic thing is, I don't even care as much what happens anymore. There is an effortless surrender to what is here now, even if it's fatigue, sadness, boredom or annoyance. As soon as there is resistance, I can sink back into the sweet and peaceful background of awareness in which it is all happening. I have seen that my life's work is to go deeper and deeper into this surrender and to open my heart to whatever comes.
Looking back over just one day that I felt rather blah about I now realize that so many feelings and experiences passed through me. For example...
Envy of the cat on my lap, so cozy, so serene, so at peace with sleeping all day
Boredom of mundane tasks
Appreciation of the orange tint of sunset outside my window
Confusion of how I feel about a new relationship
Anxiety about a future social situati on that hasn't happened yet
Frustration over not feeling like I'm enough
Energy and excitement about the possibility of my very own studio apartment Sweet and sassy as I giggled on the phone with a friend
Delight as my mouth melted on some pecan soy ice cream
Nervousness and overwhelm about starting a new job
Sadness and concern about my aversion to people
Lost with no direction
Sympathy for people who have no home
Annoyance at technical difficulties
Laziness for not exercising
Love for the little toddler having a difficult time communicating with her dad Blessed to have so much abundance
Turned on by watching a rocking music video …………………………………….
Feeling it all, heart opening to everything, I begin to taste true freedom.
Spleen!! A new experience of getting a new job, internship and my first studio of my own just happend to help me understand how my splenic authority works. As a Splenic/Ego Manifestor - The theme for me is this, I'm moving along slowly, resting, working a little, chillin, non-energy being..la la la...then a feeling for change arises and builds, but I've learned now that just because this feeling/thought arises that doesn't mean that I should act...I still need to wait and watch, basically I'm waiting for the splenic hit that comes with the energy surge of the ego...and then all of a sudden there is a necessity and drive to act, every cell in my body suddenly says make a move, I pick up the phone, send some emails, meet who I need to meet, and there is a huge drive and determination to get er done...make it happen...for my own well being...when my authority is clear, and when this ego energy is available, shit happens so fast! And then I rest again :) To be living in Innocence (6th color) is to become intimate with the unknown. No matter how much talk and thinking about desiring this or that goes on, what really is supposed to happen will make itself clear in the moment. Learning to let go of desire and trust my spleen is my journey. It really has done a great job thus far.
One of my totem animal is a Bobcat. I saw 3 of them within 1 month when I lived in Santa Cruz.