Thursday, November 18, 2010

Declaring War

The days seem to blend together, time has slowed yet still flies by at top speed. I've moved myself away from the hustle and bustle of southern California to the quiet, peaceful and slower paced life on Kauai to experiment with my design. Finally, the excitement of the new environment has passed and I settle into somewhat of a rhythm of a little bit of work and a lot of relaxation. My de-conditioning has begun.

The most significant change I feel is in my emotions or lack of them. I have a fully open emotional center with no gates touching and I used to be a basket case. As I've separated myself from people, crawled up into my roof (I'm a 6/2 in my 2nd phase), my wave is almost non-existent. It feels so cold and heartless sometimes and I don't always like it. In my reading I learned as a Manifestor, I'm here to be a cold hard dense marble that can punch through a wall. It's difficult to imagine myself like that right now because I'm such an open emotional wussy. I never want to ruffle anyone's feathers and I have a hard time confronting people with the truth. The name of my game for all my life has been play nice and make nice. Now, I'm challenging myself to stand up for what my intuition tells me no matter what and I know that isn't going be easy.

I finally understand what it means to watch the mind and not do it's biding. It's almost like I didn't even realize how in control my mind was until about an hour ago. The concept, being the witness is something I've heard and thought I understood, but I didn't. Tonight, I finally understood it on a body level. You see, I've never really not listened to my mind. There is just a constant barage of past memories, future speeches I'm going to make to people, judging myself for being this or that, judging others, thinking of what I'm going to do next, thinking I have to do the thing I think of right then and there.

It never stops and sometimes I react and do what it says and sometimes I don't. But never do I completely ignore it for more than 10 minutes. There's always the next thing and the next thing and the next thing. My mind is so afraid of not having a next thing, I can hear it quiver when there's nothing on the agenda.

But this time, for a brief moment, everything came alive as I lie in the middle of my living room staring at the ceiling. I gelled into the present. I became the thickness of the energy around me, almost floating in space. I was listening but not labeling, feeling but not judging, present and not thinking. And it was beautiful. Then my mind came back and reminded me that it was there. This time, I didn't listen. It kept talking and trying to get me out of the now, I told it to be quiet and said shhhhh to it over and over and went in and out of the being in the now for a few minutes.

My friend introduced me to a great movie last night, The Peaceful Warrior. One of the big lessons the peaceful warrior must learn before he becomes a true warrior is that it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. One of my biggest daemons. My whole life has been lived waiting for the next thing and wishing for something other than what I had in that moment. I'm always more excited when I'm heading towards something I think I want than when I actually get to it. My goal as a splenic manifestor is to be able to live almost always in the now. I've got a long ways to go.

Now I get what my Human Design teacher means when he says we are training to be warriors. We are truly waging a full battle against our minds. It takes practice and determination. Waking up isn't easy business and I know this. For some reason I just feel crazy enough to jump in and see where this ride takes me. I really have no choice, I'm declaring WAR!!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Who's the Zombie? Me or them?

Does it mean I'm making progress if I'm pissing people off?

It's a somewhat critical weekend for me being that it's fathers day and the majority of society including my family deems it necessary to celebrate and acknowledge this holiday. My family gets together and does something for every single holiday and of course I'm not feeling like I really want to go, not exactly sure how I'll feel tomorrow, but pretty sure I'm not going to want to go. This is my perfect opportunity to not let my open emotional center and the emotional blackmail of my family run my life. I could just say no. Or the proper Manifestor thing to do would be to inform them I'm not coming and why. I'm sick of being so proper all the time. But I feel like a total selfish butt head for not just sucking it up for the sake of my fathers feelings and just going to join them. My sister doesn't help any. when I told her I might not come she sighed and said something like, "it doesn't surprise me, you've always been selfish and done your own thing." Which in my perspective is the complete opposite of what I've always done. I've always done things to please other people and make them happy. It's who I was up until about 2 years ago when my energy was so low I couldn't do it anymore. I've been trying to live up to this image of who I thought I was, a social person. What I'm coming to find out is that I'm not social at all. In fact for the most part right now, I'd rather be alone.

The problem is that I can't say in words right now to anyone what's going on with me. How do you say to someone who is stuck in the matrix movie, "I can't come because my ego is dying right now." They can't possibly understand so why even try.

The other problem is that I could call and tell my dad I love him and that I'm not coming because I feel like being alone. And I could ease the blow by saying I'll hang out with him one on one. But the issue is that as a Manifestor I'm supposed to initiate and I don't feel like initiating contact with anyone and I don't know when I will. My whole shtick right now is simplification, introspection and non interaction with people. I don't want to be influenced and pressured anymore. This is one of the reasons why moving to Kauai seems like such a good idea right now, it's an excuse not to have to hang out with people. This morning on the forum, John Martin was talking about either tip toeing into Human Design vs Jumping off the cliff into it, my whole body was screaming out JUMP!! Right after that feeling my mind said to me, that was a spleen hit, then it went into a whole story about the logistics of moving there. I really felt this in the body when he was talking about his first few years of HD when he lived in a tent on the beach. Ever since I watched his first video I felt a pull to move to Kauai. It's pretty much inevitable, the question is just when will it happen?

It's so hard to get out of the matrix. I still care what people think of me. That's where I'm stuck. I think I'm going crazier by the day and I'm scared.

I used to be all about achieving happiness, then about achieving a feeling of connectedness, and now I'm just feeling like a Zombie. I'm just barely on the edge of this isness, watching it all go by, playing along but getting so damn sick of the game I'm ready to just run away. Where would I be running to I don't know? As my wise friend Anil reminded me the other day, "wherever you go, there you are." I'm uncomfortable, lazy, unmotivated, unconnected, not happy, not peaceful, just blah. I feel like I've seen, heard, and met everything and everyone there is to see hear and meet and there's no point in getting excited about anything anymore because it's all just meaningless!! At least in Kauai I'll be around other people who are following their design and say fuck off to their minds. I'm scared about what it means to be a Manifestor. I'm afraid I'll turn into a grouchy old woman with no love in my life and no friends. I'm alone in this and there's no choice but to move FURTHER!! Thank you for that advice Jed McKenna, I hate you and love you.

Friday, May 7, 2010

You, Me and My Open G

I can't say how true it is about the Open G and importance of place. I swear, my life made a complete 180 when I moved to my little den in Laguna. I truly found my place and a new chapter has begun. I found a relationship. I found GanoCafe business. I found a perfect little group of friends. I got rid of controlling friends who don't fulfill me. I found Human Design.

A few weeks ago I was getting a little anxious because my unemployment ran out. (Side note, bless the government for my unemployment. That year was my greatest year of healing, I slept, I hiked, I meditated, I got good at just being. I don't care what anyone says, that money helped me become a healthier, happier person and a more powerful "manifestor" in society. My impact will be more positive and more powerful because of it.) Whenever my mind would start to get nervous about money, I would affirm "I have the perfect job for me right now" and would thank the universe for everything I already had. I started to really savor those days of having nothing to do, walking along the beach, running in the hills, making beaded decorations for my new house, because I knew something was coming.

And sure enough, something came along. After informing my sister that I was looking for work, she reminded me of how much she loved her job. I think I said something like "do they have any openings?" and that started her inquiry into getting me a job at her office. (she is a Projector and she definitely guided me into getting the job and is guiding me along the training) I'm now working at a law firm as a bankruptcy case manager. I get to help people through the process of bankruptcy, use my left brain power to crunch some numbers, be organized and detailed, and get better at multi-tasking. As I sit in my cubical, I surrender to the 9-5 because what I need in my life is simplicity right now and this job will allow for that. It's not going to be easy being trapped all the time, but it will allow me to get some new shoes, clothes, and a much needed hair cut! It will test my ability to be Zen in any situation, anytime, anywhere. Thanks to Holosync, I have become better at staying present, not letting emotions and my monkey mind get the best of me.

Gina Cocotelli
read my chart last Saturday and it was life changing. I learned from Gina that I packed a pretty good "punch" in this lifetime. I also learned about my Incarnation Cross. The top 2 numbers on both sides of your chart are 60-70% of who you are. My numbers are 48, 21, 53, and 54. Gate 48 says I'm designed to use my depth of talent to serve people, connect them, help them stretch themselves. I came with a driving force. AMEN!! Gate 21 says I'm designed to be in Control, I'm the Huntress! I can be a great leader if I stay in tune with those that I'm leading and learn to balance rest with work. With Gate 53, I need space to start new things, expand things, and re-invent myself. These things keep me healthy. With my Gate 54, I can be successful both materially and spiritually.

Moving forward, she encouraged me to notice how I naturally "hook people up" and emphasized my strong intuition and that I need to TRUST in it. My Intuition is extremely powerful and I live moment to moment. I have the ability to be very ZEN in this lifetime. Sounds good to me, I will be practicing Zen. I'm also supposed to recognize when I feel rushed to get things done (because of my open Root), when other people's emotions are influencing me (with my open Solar Plexus, I'm not sure how to tell this one yet although when I was hanging out with my boyfriend the other day, I cried for no apparent reason, when I asked him if he was sad he said he was a little) and when I'm informing people.

I'm going to be working with Gina, who is also a business coach, to hone in my skills, narrow in on my Vision for this lifetime and start to take steps towards fulfilling my "purpose". First step is a Living Your Design course which I want to take in person with her in June.

We all know this day job is just temporary as I gather my tools and work with my new coach to figure out how to best use this incredible design I've been given. It's definitely going to cramp my ability to be spontaneous which I'm not so thrilled about. We'll see if I can get through a year of feeling like a caged animal. I'm really not designed to work 9-5. That I'm sure of.

This Saturday is a live forum call with John Martin!! Living Human Design, a Warrior's Path. I'm looking forward to learning how other people are living out their designs.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Depression, My Parents, and a big ole' Open G Center

I'm done searching. I have an open G Center. I'm not here to find my purpose. What a Relief!!

I used to blame my parents for my depression. I blamed them for not giving me enough guidance throughout my childhood. I felt like I'd made lots of mistakes in my life. I was pissed they didn't give me more wisdom to live by, that they didn't do anything about my drugs and craziness in high school. That they didn't communicate with me more about sex. Other than my dad telling me when to be home and the rules with boys, they really didn't stop me from doing much, they played the ignorant card. Granted I was a really good liar. But they knew, oh they knew that I was getting into trouble.

My mind got a hold of me at a very young age, all my open centers but especially my open G center were deeply conditioned by society. I think the most detrimental conditioning I had was that I was supposed to hurry up and choose something to be really good at and stick with it. My boyfriend in college played the guitar and he knew that's what he was here to do, there was no question in his mind. That made me jealous and even more anxious to find something. It used to be my mantra, "I want to find my passion!!" And oh how I've searched for it.

There I was, 25 years old after having traveled the world in search of my passion and still having no idea what I was supposed to be doing. I came back to the western world and immediately felt the pressure to find my career. After a few months of exploring possibilities, I decided to spend a lot of money to go to editing school in Hollywood. 3 years later, I was working and making lots of money in reality T.V, but I felt completely unfulfilled and trapped. I can remember banging my head against the wall and being so depressed thinking, "What the hell am I supposed to be doing? If it's not this, what the f*** is it? I need to find it now. Somebody please help me."...and so I quit and set out again to figure out what my purpose was and why I was so depressed.

Guilt had become my best friend. I felt guilty for not being with my family enough, I felt guilty for not sticking with my career, I felt guilty for leaving my boyfriends, I felt guilty for smoking, guilty for being tired all the time. Guilt seriously plagued my life. And so I drank, and took pills, and smoked a lot of pot and cigarettes to numb the pain. In hindsight, perhaps it was all to hide the anger.

Through it all, the search for peace and a purpose continued. I asked the universe for guidance and various people/angels blessed my life with great wisdom. There was Brooks, the clutter buster, who opened me back up to the power of spirituality. He took me to receive darshan from Mirabai Devi and she sent a jolt of kundalini energy through my chakra system that changed my world. Benjamin, my life coach, who opened me back up to possibilities. He dared me to dream big again. Then I found Sarah, who helped me feel again. She showed me how to release my anger and taught me how to slow down and love myself.

I was lead to the Strengths Finder, What color is my Parachute, and Artist's Way. I studied the Law of Attraction, Louise Haye, The Vortex, Holosync and now I have found Human Design. It satiates me on so many levels. There are answers and explanations for everything. The biggest explanation being why me and the rest of the world are so f'd up.

While running the other day, I stopped dead in my tracks when I had the best epiphany of my life. I realized that I actually chose exactly the right parents for my design!! Their lack of guidance actually empowered me as a 6/2 Manifestor to go out into the world and try things. They supported me in whatever I wanted to explore. They let me open the cupboards, walk on the walls, climb trees, walk out the door, travel to the far ends of the earth. What they gave me was unconditional love and acceptance, which is exactly what I needed. The epiphany made me cry. I felt more free. I wasn't pissed at them anymore. I am finally thankful.

Friday, February 26, 2010

My Open Solar Plexus - WTF!!

I have an open solar plexus which means I am a non-emotional being. So in short, I can't trust any of my emotions. The reason I feel emotions is because I absorb and amplify others emotions. Okay, so maybe that's why I've felt like shutting myself off from the world. When it comes to negative emotions, okay, perhaps it's a good explanation of why I feel like an emotional being. However, when it comes to happiness, peace, joy, I want to own those. When I went hiking yesterday in my new backyard, the mountains of Laguna, I swore I found paradise. I was in a pure state of joy about my new home and environment. As a person with an open G center, I affirmed for myself that place is indeed everything. There was no one else around to persuade this emotions, it just was.

Eckhart Tolle actually says an emotion is your body's reaction to your mind that joy is the one pure state you can rely on. I believe that what I was feeling was my own true joy.

Open Head/Ajna Center and Knowing Myself

I got a reading from John Martin on Monday and he told me some good news and bad news. The good news is that I'm here to be a Jedi Priestess Warrior! That sounds great, where do I sign up? The bad news is that I'm here to be a Jedi Priestess Warrior! Wow, what next?

If I were a priestess warrior, I'd want to be Nitiri.

Ra says "Manifestor's aren't here to know thyself. Generators are here to know themselves, Manifestors are here to know their impact." Okay, I hear that and I've been exploring that question naturally but why have I spent my whole life trying to know myself? And I wouldn't say that my search has been in vain. I've finally come to a place of peace because of all my trial and error and search for self definition. If I hadn't been searching for myself, I don't think I'd be where I'm at now.

I'm drawn to Human Design because it teaches me more about myself. I'm not sure what Ra means by the first part of that statement. However, what's ironic is that in my search for myself, what I like, dislike, what I'm passionate about, what kind of work I want to do, I came up with this statement, "I want to do work that has a positive impact on the environment" I've been using that word, IMPACT, and as a Manifestor that's what I'm here to do, figure out who and what I have an impact on. And I'd prefer it to have something to do with keeping pristine nature around for as long as possible.

My open head center makes sense, it's the center that is a mental pressure center to question and figure it all out. Yep, that's me to a T. Mostly I've questioned human behavior, including my own. Why do I feel like this, why do people act the way they do, what's the meaning of life, what are relationships about, how do I have healthy relationships given who I am. And then my questions of purpose, who am I, why am I here? what am I supposed to be doing to have an impact on the world? However, I believe those questions of purpose have more to do with the open G Center. But they're all related. It's all been about me trying to know myself.

John says "I'm not to here to answer these questions because they're not mine." He advises for an open head center that my mantra be "Hey, I don't know, they're not my questions." and (with the open Ajna) "I don't care".

According to Kauai John, my open Ajna means "I have no consistent way of processing information. I don't have a fixed way of dealing with information. I think I need to know what I'm talking about. I don't think the same way twice ever. I'm here to be uncertain and not care about what happens. I'm here to be uncertain about my life."

It's true, I've never been certain about much except for the fact that I'm uncertain about many things. My whole life I've been searching for people who inspire me, who can be my role models of how to live life. My quest took me to the far ends of the earth and back. I've studied how people think and live with the intention of keeping morsels of wisdom from each one, slowly and carefully crafting my own way of living. I've been gathering my tools.

And I'm happy to say that at the ripe young age of 32, I feel like I've come to a place of comfort and peace about the way I live, for the most part. But in no way do I feel inclined to impact others to live the way I live. Not yet at least.

In this phase of my life, I'd rather not engage with the world than interact with a planet full of people who are asleep. I feel extra sensitive to other people's energy right now, perhaps I'm susceptible to others confusion and pain (as my open Solar Plexus says I am). What really makes me mad right now is that most people I meet out there are closed off to possibilities. I meet so much resistance because most people don't believe they can have what they want. I do. I'm getting it now.

And this is where my open head center has benefited me tremendously because I've been drawn to learn about things that open my mind like Abraham and Esther Hicks the Vortex, Human Design, The Law of Attraction, take a Landmark Forum seminar, practice things like meditation and buddhism, yoga, tai chi, taekwondo, Krav Maga, and explore new ideas, religions, ways of life. In that I'm very thankful for my open head.

Until next time, I'll be off getting to know myself.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

So I'm a 6/2 Splenic Manifestor-What the Heck does that mean?

A dear Projector friend introduced me to Human Design the other day (2/5/2010) very non-nonchalantly. We were at her computer and she showed me my chart, we listened to the audio of Ra Uru Hu's definition of a Manifestor. It was interesting but I kind of shrugged it off as another one of those new age things, having no idea how much it would impact my life.

Then I came home and began to get more curious. Something made me look deeper. It was when I read about what it meant to be a 6/2 that I really got into it. You see, I am 32 and in a state of retreat from the world, which corresponds exactly to the 6/2 profile. I have begun to be very hermitty, really not wanting to do much, get stimulated by much, not be out in the world where I'm sensitive to other people's negative energy. Most people out there are so stuck in the matrix, just playing the game, so wrapped up in meaningless pursuits, and so unaware of themselves and it's just not a comforting place for me to be right now. I'm even not interested in what people are saying most of the time, even if it's something I'd usually be interested in. By nature, I'm generally very curious and I often listen intently to people's stories and experiences mainly to learn how I can better live my life or what I might be interested in pursuing. But I feel full. I've tried many things, explored many careers, traveled around the world, lived in other countries, talked to many wise people, played many games, read lots of self help books, I don't want to listen anymore unless it's going to help me truly understand myself and this world better. I'm all tapped out right now and almost paralyzed from the overload. I don't know what to do next and I'm waiting for the right answer.

Which is why I'm now obsessed with Human Design. Luckily, I found John Martin on youtube and watched every single video he's made, the one's about me multiple times. And I am trying to understand what it all means for me. I have truly been repressed and lost my power in my life by trying to fit in, to be nice, to play it small and not exert the power that I know I have because I have seen it make people uncomfortable. I've gotten caught in the trap of acting like a Generator, waiting to respond. And truly I'm terrified of what it means to not act like this. I feel like I won't do anything social if I don't respond because the only things I know how to initiate are things I do for myself. I'm really good at initiating things for myself, I truly am. But I like doing social things on occasion with a select group of people. Usually, I'm invited to gatherings and adventures by my friends and we have a great time. Rarely am I the one to say let's get together. What does being a Manifestor mean for my social life?

They say that Manifestors are lone wolves and I very much feel like that much of the time but I don't like hearing this statment. I do feel like I need people to balance out my alone time mainly to avoid going completely insane with my thoughts. And I do want a partner in life. What I'm looking for is a man strong enough to be an initiator and manifestor with me. I want to manifest things together with someone.

So I am on a journey to discover what it means to be a Manifestor in this world. Starting with a full chart reading from John Martin either today or tomorrow. And perhaps a trip to Kauai to meet others who are experimenting with their design.

All I know for right now is I'm moving to live alone for the first time in my life and I couldn't be more happy about that. I'll be near the beach and mountains, closer to nature, where I can have peace and serenity much of the time. I'm embracing this hermit phase and trying not to judge. I'm uncertain of my career as a photographer, or the success of my new GanoCafe business. I have faith that everything will work out if I try to live out my design and embrace what it means to be a splenic manifestor. It's really all I can do right now. Live day to day, moment by moment, hoping that I'll have the means to get by.

Ra says in the Manifestor Manifesto. "You have to know when to pull back and do nothing." I am certainly in the do nothing phase. I'm in a phase of I don't know and I don't care!! It feels like I'm floating outside of the matrix, just observing, not really involved in much. I want to care, I truly do. And I want to act, initiate and have an impact. I just don't want to be exhausted anymore.

born 10/08/1977 at 2:14am in Westlake Village, California