Friday, March 15, 2013

March 15th, 2013 - Iboga Round 1 Another Glimpse

The unmistakeable feeling of just being, full body awareness,

An attempt to describe the effects my first Iboga Journey:
Since my iboga journey last month, I have yet to write about my experience because truly it was so multi-faceted that I don't know how to begin. but as i sit here reflecting on the days i was at the iboga house, there emerged a theme for the entire journey. That theme was learning and practicing how to "just be" on a new level for myself.  By the time I left my 8 day stay at the treatment center, I was grounded in "being". What the heck does that mean anyways? I will do my best to describe it.

It was a very lovely and intense discussion I had with Joel, the house manager at iboga house, 22 hours into my 2nd journey on the 7th day, about the nature of reality and what it means to be awake. Joel had read many books on the topic and studied in detail and was also an avid astrologer so we had a lot of common interests to discuss. I was feeling particularly relaxed and chatty and really wanting to connect and talk with people. Joel had just returned from Gabon from his initiation ceremony with Moughenda and the Bwiti Tribe. The whole crew had just returned and everyone had a very bright, very calm and content aura energy them even though they had just trekked through the muddy jungle with millions of mosquito bites to visit the (little people tribe)

during this very stimulating and deep conversation with Joel at the dining room table of the guest house, my mind was sharp and observant. it was talking to me as usual, commenting on useful and not so useful things, and it was actually quite loud. that's one thing iboga does for most people, is it makes your mind chatter louder so you can analyze it and hear what it is more clearly. It shows you the automatic tapes that run cyclically through your head.

the interesting part about it was that even during the mental chatter, my body was comfortably seated in the chair one foot resting on the seat and the other dangling down while my toes played with the cool white tiled floor. there was a smile within, and a strong knowing or grocking that whatever was going on in my mind and in the conversation was actually secondary to the background of silent full potential awareness that i was drawn into. nothing needed to happen or be said for me to feel differently. i wasn't trying to escape any feelings or thoughts by grabbing for something. i didn't have to say or be or do anything. it was enough to just be.

as we talked, my aura took it all in, there was expansiveness, a deep rest and sense of security like a warm blanket enticing me to stay in the present moment. there was awareness and appreciation of every breath, my eyes wandered back and forth from Joel to the tropical view outside the window with colorful flowers, palm trees, and birds singing, to the white walls and curtains that had geckos climbing on them. all the while there was this intense and keen awareness of everything around me, the "I" was able to have a perfectly coherent and intelligent conversation with another person. I could also sense what was going on with Joel during the ebb and flow of topics, emotions, and thoughts, riding both of our mind's waves of acceptance and rejection, criticism and encouragement, attraction and repulsion, confusion and clarity, attempt to be right about what it knew, it was all still there, the mind's tendency to size someone up and make conclusions about them, labeling them this or that. the mind was happily commenting away and in the background I was perfectly fine with all of it.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

March 12th, 2013 - Iboga Round 1 & 2

How to put words to the most profound incredible experience of my life. I’m struggling but I want to try. Iboga has reconnected me with my soul, cleared out the demons of the mind and body, and I am no longer craving for substances. (update; this lasted only a few weeks except for ciggarettes which I have never smoked again). I feel better than I have since I can remember. It’s still working on me and I am having waves of realization.

My first journey, among many other things, showed me the interconnectedness of all things. It was towards the end of the night about 10 hours into our flood and I opened my eyes to look out at the sky and trees, light was just beginning to illuminate the sky. Everything around me was imbued with the same awareness and divinity as the eyes looking out at it, My eyes. The eye of god was in everything I saw and I was also the eye of god. Reality bubbled over in a continuous outpouring of god’s creating. The trees and sky were breathing just as I was. We were all blessed with the gift of life, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of comfort from the wonder of simply being.  Earlier in the journey I played a scene over and over again, it was a birds eye view of when I met Ry. I would see both of us weaving our way through the park, me chasing the dog and him playing Frisbee. And then the lines would swerve and when we met in the forest, it was like two force fields coming together and big shock wave was sent out.

My 2nd journey was very different than the first. The entire time in my visions I had a huge smile on my face. Everything was fun, I was skipping through many different lifetimes, joining all kinds of people for brief moments at a time, sometimes my family and friends, sometimes people I’ve never seen before. My “job” it seemed was to bring my smile wherever I went and add more light to the scene simply by just being there. I was able to say goodbye to everyone so easily because I understood existence on the grander scheme. The truth was that I will have and have had many lifetimes, and all are just an opportunity for my soul to experience itself in different ways. My soul is perfectly content and actually happy no matter what is going on. But it’s true drive is to experience life through joy.

Now I can see and feel that what was driving me to make decisions was my ego mind. I was cut off from the voice of my soul from all the toxins I had accumulated in my body. It’s almost like I was possessed. I’m just going to say that was it because there was such a strong force inside me that I couldn’t stop and it was contributing to my sorrow, misery and self-destruction. It wanted me to stay disconnected and to remain in darkness. And the more substances I ingested the more powerful it was. I feel that Iboga was my saving grace, it would’ve taken years of kundalini and doing cleansing to clear out as much stuff as I did in 8 days. And because the dark entities were so powerful in me, influencing me to make unhealthy decisions and be lazy, I would not have been able to do the things necessary to get back on track.  I feel like I’ve recovered my will power, when I wake up in the morning these past few days I have wanted to do yoga, or go running, instead of just grab for coffee. Don’t get me wrong, coffee still sounds good, I know how it tastes good and makes me feel up. But the negative consequences are much greater than the benefits and now I’m empowered to make that smart choice.