Monday, July 25, 2016

Retreat with Devaji: Grief & the Agony of SELF Abandonment

Day 4 of a 7 day retreat with Devaji:

Sinking deeper into the silence,. During both Satsangs today, the entire Sangha is bathed in this rich, loving silence. We all bask in it for a long time after Devaji ends the session. It feels inviting and I am able to avoid coming home from the afternoon session and immediately turning to technology. Instead the body and mind is significantly slowed down, wanting to nurture the stillness and turn within.

A slight headache has developed since the morning. Not yet aware that this is the grief wanting to surface.

Around 7pm after cleaning, I am already tired, the pressure in the head is stronger. The body sits down on the bed and gazes out the window, the third eye pulses and tingles.  I watch the mechanical thoughts swirl around attempting to grab attention and often successfully doing so. But the love is there and the presence is strong. I doze off to sleep and wake to see the sun is setting. It's only 8pm but I decide to climb under the covers and play some calming music. The body sinks into my cozy bed and jolts every so often as it breathes deeply. It feels like energy shooting up the body and getting stuck at the heart center.

One hand rests on the heart, the other on the womb. The breath slows. The healing music is taken in deeply in every cell. I feel safe, I feel love. It's different this time, no fear, no resistance; instead there's a welcoming of this energy.

The body jolts and sobs from the heart before the tears actually come. It's a familiar feeling that happened often during my ayahuasca ceremonies. The grief is held deep within and the body in it's wisdom shakes itself to loosen the trauma. Images flash of me as a child around 10 years old in my room, having the sense of being watched, not understanding what this feeling was. And having the sense of being very lost and confused and not feeling love.  Feeling this child, abandoned from the Love that she is, and all the chaos and confusion over the life that unfolded as a result. It brings tremendous Grief and sadness for this child and all the other children who experience the same thing.

The overwhelming agony of me/this child being separated from her heart begins to release through my body. How could I abandon my SELF for so long? Feeling so many years of so much pain and suffering of being lost. And now overwhelmed with Gratitude for the Ocean of Love that I am swimming in from Devaji and my sangha family. The tears flow for this incredible gratitude and tremendous grief, both equal forces on my heart. And it was divinely human.

Waves of Love from myself for myself, I go back to the scene in my bedroom and see that this Love was the thing that was watching me and it was there with me all along, through the whole journey.

Returning to my own Radiant Heart.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Reality Check; Enlightenment isn't an Escape Button

When I moved to Mt Shasta last year in August 2015 to be with Devaji and the Sangha, I had this wild fantasy that I kind of knew what enlightenment was and what it took. With all the work I felt had done already to clear away the darkness, I naively thought, it would only be a matter of months maybe a few short years before I was free. Haha, what a joke. I really thought I had made significant progress towards liberation in my 5 years of being an avid seeker. And honestly, I feel I have done some good work and have taken steps in the right direction. But, what I learned over the past year is that I actually know nothing and I am just a baby in this process. I’ve been deeply humbled and have come to a place of acceptance about how little I know about the emotional intelligence of being human and also how steadfast one must be in this journey to liberation.
5 years of soul searching and working with ayahuasca and I really felt like I made a big dent into some big darkness that kept me stuck in this contracted reality of a body and mind. But the truth is, I had just scratched the surface. This year has been one of nearly continuous purging with a few reprieves and glimpses of truth & beauty. I’m so blessed to be surrounded by some of the most unconditionally loving people on the planet and this Love is creating a safe space to cradle me back to wholeness.
I feel that the deck I was dealt in this life has been so incredibly difficult internally. There’s been a constant barrage of negative thinking, (with a stellium of planets in my 3rd house including Pluto and my progressed Sun in Scorpio, jeezus f’ing Christ! it’s lot of Scorpio people), it’s been a life of deep transformation and facing difficult truths. A nearly constant mental torment of self oppression, insecurity, seeing the darkness in people and life and not understanding why I see this, and just plain confusion about everything. This created a extreme sense of lack and insecurity about myself, my perception of the world and speaking my truth. There’s been such chaos and confusion in my life that there was really no one to trust, especially not my own mind.
So naturally, God was the next thing presented to me as something consistent, loving and stable to turn to. Enlightenment has been a very appealing path, what was appealing at first is I thought it’s like an escape button, and if there’s an option to get the fuck out of this insanity of being human, I’m choosing that one. I felt that becoming free from this body/mind would allow me to escape this character and her sad story all together and rest in the bliss of being. And in a sense this is true. Once we are completely un-identified with our body and mind, we do get to rest in the bliss of being. But the reality is that enlightenment is anything but an escape button and very rarely do people just "wake up" and all identification is wiped out.
What I didn’t fully grasp was how deeply into the heart of Trista I have to go in order to become free from her story. Every fear, every repressed emotion, every situation I’ve avoided, all the relationship stuff I’ve hidden from must be met. No stone will be unturned. In order to merge back with my SELF, all of this uncomfortable stuff must be allowed to surface, to be felt deeply, to be loved and released. Devaji often talks about "meeting it all the way" and I'm slowly learning what this means.
This work is a fucking difficult and exhausting and I’ve realized I really need to pace myself. And with this extreme fatigue I’ve had, my body is only allowing so much so it’s not like I’m choosing to pace myself, the body is doing it. As Devaji says, everything unfolds in it’s perfect timing.
In typical Trista fashion, when I find something I’m passionate about, I’m overly driven to hurry up and get things done quickly, effectively and be the first to achieve it. This is my Open root in human design. There is a competitive driven conditioning in me, So this conditioning is being worn down and it’s painful. Devaji pointed out to me in the chair one Satsang after I collapsed crying in his arms, that my character overcompensated as a child from not being fully taken care of by being Driven to get it for myself, to take care of myself. It's true, I've worn myself out thinking I had to do it all myself. This past year has really been about letting go and learning to be taken care of. I’ve somehow made my way into the most supportive, loving community of incredible people who’ve done the work and are here ready with open arms to receive me and help me meet all of my shadows. It’s like the jackpot for any seeker to fall into this situation because without this Love there’s no way I could meet the amount of Scorpionic darkness that is slowly revealing itself.
And so I will continue, constantly humbling myself to the One who knows what’s best for Trista and learning to have the strength and courage to receive what is being given no matter how ugly and confusing it feels. And with each exquisitely painful and purifying purge, disassembling the false belief that I am separate from God