When I moved to Mt Shasta last year in August 2015 to be with Devaji and the Sangha, I had this wild fantasy that I kind of knew what enlightenment was and what it took. With all the work I felt had done already to clear away the darkness, I naively thought, it would only be a matter of months maybe a few short years before I was free. Haha, what a joke. I really thought I had made significant progress towards liberation in my 5 years of being an avid seeker. And honestly, I feel I have done some good work and have taken steps in the right direction. But, what I learned over the past year is that I actually know nothing and I am just a baby in this process. I’ve been deeply humbled and have come to a place of acceptance about how little I know about the emotional intelligence of being human and also how steadfast one must be in this journey to liberation.
5 years of soul searching and working with ayahuasca and I really felt like I made a big dent into some big darkness that kept me stuck in this contracted reality of a body and mind. But the truth is, I had just scratched the surface. This year has been one of nearly continuous purging with a few reprieves and glimpses of truth & beauty. I’m so blessed to be surrounded by some of the most unconditionally loving people on the planet and this Love is creating a safe space to cradle me back to wholeness.
I feel that the deck I was dealt in this life has been so incredibly difficult internally. There’s been a constant barrage of negative thinking, (with a stellium of planets in my 3rd house including Pluto and my progressed Sun in Scorpio, jeezus f’ing Christ! it’s lot of Scorpio people), it’s been a life of deep transformation and facing difficult truths. A nearly constant mental torment of self oppression, insecurity, seeing the darkness in people and life and not understanding why I see this, and just plain confusion about everything. This created a extreme sense of lack and insecurity about myself, my perception of the world and speaking my truth. There’s been such chaos and confusion in my life that there was really no one to trust, especially not my own mind.
So naturally, God was the next thing presented to me as something consistent, loving and stable to turn to. Enlightenment has been a very appealing path, what was appealing at first is I thought it’s like an escape button, and if there’s an option to get the fuck out of this insanity of being human, I’m choosing that one. I felt that becoming free from this body/mind would allow me to escape this character and her sad story all together and rest in the bliss of being. And in a sense this is true. Once we are completely un-identified with our body and mind, we do get to rest in the bliss of being. But the reality is that enlightenment is anything but an escape button and very rarely do people just "wake up" and all identification is wiped out.
What I didn’t fully grasp was how deeply into the heart of Trista I have to go in order to become free from her story. Every fear, every repressed emotion, every situation I’ve avoided, all the relationship stuff I’ve hidden from must be met. No stone will be unturned. In order to merge back with my SELF, all of this uncomfortable stuff must be allowed to surface, to be felt deeply, to be loved and released. Devaji often talks about "meeting it all the way" and I'm slowly learning what this means.
This work is a fucking difficult and exhausting and I’ve realized I really need to pace myself. And with this extreme fatigue I’ve had, my body is only allowing so much so it’s not like I’m choosing to pace myself, the body is doing it. As Devaji says, everything unfolds in it’s perfect timing.
In typical Trista fashion, when I find something I’m passionate about, I’m overly driven to hurry up and get things done quickly, effectively and be the first to achieve it. This is my Open root in human design. There is a competitive driven conditioning in me, So this conditioning is being worn down and it’s painful. Devaji pointed out to me in the chair one Satsang after I collapsed crying in his arms, that my character overcompensated as a child from not being fully taken care of by being Driven to get it for myself, to take care of myself. It's true, I've worn myself out thinking I had to do it all myself. This past year has really been about letting go and learning to be taken care of. I’ve somehow made my way into the most supportive, loving community of incredible people who’ve done the work and are here ready with open arms to receive me and help me meet all of my shadows. It’s like the jackpot for any seeker to fall into this situation because without this Love there’s no way I could meet the amount of Scorpionic darkness that is slowly revealing itself.
And so I will continue, constantly humbling myself to the One who knows what’s best for Trista and learning to have the strength and courage to receive what is being given no matter how ugly and confusing it feels. And with each exquisitely painful and purifying purge, disassembling the false belief that I am separate from God