Friday, February 26, 2010

My Open Solar Plexus - WTF!!

I have an open solar plexus which means I am a non-emotional being. So in short, I can't trust any of my emotions. The reason I feel emotions is because I absorb and amplify others emotions. Okay, so maybe that's why I've felt like shutting myself off from the world. When it comes to negative emotions, okay, perhaps it's a good explanation of why I feel like an emotional being. However, when it comes to happiness, peace, joy, I want to own those. When I went hiking yesterday in my new backyard, the mountains of Laguna, I swore I found paradise. I was in a pure state of joy about my new home and environment. As a person with an open G center, I affirmed for myself that place is indeed everything. There was no one else around to persuade this emotions, it just was.

Eckhart Tolle actually says an emotion is your body's reaction to your mind that joy is the one pure state you can rely on. I believe that what I was feeling was my own true joy.

Open Head/Ajna Center and Knowing Myself

I got a reading from John Martin on Monday and he told me some good news and bad news. The good news is that I'm here to be a Jedi Priestess Warrior! That sounds great, where do I sign up? The bad news is that I'm here to be a Jedi Priestess Warrior! Wow, what next?

If I were a priestess warrior, I'd want to be Nitiri.

Ra says "Manifestor's aren't here to know thyself. Generators are here to know themselves, Manifestors are here to know their impact." Okay, I hear that and I've been exploring that question naturally but why have I spent my whole life trying to know myself? And I wouldn't say that my search has been in vain. I've finally come to a place of peace because of all my trial and error and search for self definition. If I hadn't been searching for myself, I don't think I'd be where I'm at now.

I'm drawn to Human Design because it teaches me more about myself. I'm not sure what Ra means by the first part of that statement. However, what's ironic is that in my search for myself, what I like, dislike, what I'm passionate about, what kind of work I want to do, I came up with this statement, "I want to do work that has a positive impact on the environment" I've been using that word, IMPACT, and as a Manifestor that's what I'm here to do, figure out who and what I have an impact on. And I'd prefer it to have something to do with keeping pristine nature around for as long as possible.

My open head center makes sense, it's the center that is a mental pressure center to question and figure it all out. Yep, that's me to a T. Mostly I've questioned human behavior, including my own. Why do I feel like this, why do people act the way they do, what's the meaning of life, what are relationships about, how do I have healthy relationships given who I am. And then my questions of purpose, who am I, why am I here? what am I supposed to be doing to have an impact on the world? However, I believe those questions of purpose have more to do with the open G Center. But they're all related. It's all been about me trying to know myself.

John says "I'm not to here to answer these questions because they're not mine." He advises for an open head center that my mantra be "Hey, I don't know, they're not my questions." and (with the open Ajna) "I don't care".

According to Kauai John, my open Ajna means "I have no consistent way of processing information. I don't have a fixed way of dealing with information. I think I need to know what I'm talking about. I don't think the same way twice ever. I'm here to be uncertain and not care about what happens. I'm here to be uncertain about my life."

It's true, I've never been certain about much except for the fact that I'm uncertain about many things. My whole life I've been searching for people who inspire me, who can be my role models of how to live life. My quest took me to the far ends of the earth and back. I've studied how people think and live with the intention of keeping morsels of wisdom from each one, slowly and carefully crafting my own way of living. I've been gathering my tools.

And I'm happy to say that at the ripe young age of 32, I feel like I've come to a place of comfort and peace about the way I live, for the most part. But in no way do I feel inclined to impact others to live the way I live. Not yet at least.

In this phase of my life, I'd rather not engage with the world than interact with a planet full of people who are asleep. I feel extra sensitive to other people's energy right now, perhaps I'm susceptible to others confusion and pain (as my open Solar Plexus says I am). What really makes me mad right now is that most people I meet out there are closed off to possibilities. I meet so much resistance because most people don't believe they can have what they want. I do. I'm getting it now.

And this is where my open head center has benefited me tremendously because I've been drawn to learn about things that open my mind like Abraham and Esther Hicks the Vortex, Human Design, The Law of Attraction, take a Landmark Forum seminar, practice things like meditation and buddhism, yoga, tai chi, taekwondo, Krav Maga, and explore new ideas, religions, ways of life. In that I'm very thankful for my open head.

Until next time, I'll be off getting to know myself.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

So I'm a 6/2 Splenic Manifestor-What the Heck does that mean?

A dear Projector friend introduced me to Human Design the other day (2/5/2010) very non-nonchalantly. We were at her computer and she showed me my chart, we listened to the audio of Ra Uru Hu's definition of a Manifestor. It was interesting but I kind of shrugged it off as another one of those new age things, having no idea how much it would impact my life.

Then I came home and began to get more curious. Something made me look deeper. It was when I read about what it meant to be a 6/2 that I really got into it. You see, I am 32 and in a state of retreat from the world, which corresponds exactly to the 6/2 profile. I have begun to be very hermitty, really not wanting to do much, get stimulated by much, not be out in the world where I'm sensitive to other people's negative energy. Most people out there are so stuck in the matrix, just playing the game, so wrapped up in meaningless pursuits, and so unaware of themselves and it's just not a comforting place for me to be right now. I'm even not interested in what people are saying most of the time, even if it's something I'd usually be interested in. By nature, I'm generally very curious and I often listen intently to people's stories and experiences mainly to learn how I can better live my life or what I might be interested in pursuing. But I feel full. I've tried many things, explored many careers, traveled around the world, lived in other countries, talked to many wise people, played many games, read lots of self help books, I don't want to listen anymore unless it's going to help me truly understand myself and this world better. I'm all tapped out right now and almost paralyzed from the overload. I don't know what to do next and I'm waiting for the right answer.

Which is why I'm now obsessed with Human Design. Luckily, I found John Martin on youtube and watched every single video he's made, the one's about me multiple times. And I am trying to understand what it all means for me. I have truly been repressed and lost my power in my life by trying to fit in, to be nice, to play it small and not exert the power that I know I have because I have seen it make people uncomfortable. I've gotten caught in the trap of acting like a Generator, waiting to respond. And truly I'm terrified of what it means to not act like this. I feel like I won't do anything social if I don't respond because the only things I know how to initiate are things I do for myself. I'm really good at initiating things for myself, I truly am. But I like doing social things on occasion with a select group of people. Usually, I'm invited to gatherings and adventures by my friends and we have a great time. Rarely am I the one to say let's get together. What does being a Manifestor mean for my social life?

They say that Manifestors are lone wolves and I very much feel like that much of the time but I don't like hearing this statment. I do feel like I need people to balance out my alone time mainly to avoid going completely insane with my thoughts. And I do want a partner in life. What I'm looking for is a man strong enough to be an initiator and manifestor with me. I want to manifest things together with someone.

So I am on a journey to discover what it means to be a Manifestor in this world. Starting with a full chart reading from John Martin either today or tomorrow. And perhaps a trip to Kauai to meet others who are experimenting with their design.

All I know for right now is I'm moving to live alone for the first time in my life and I couldn't be more happy about that. I'll be near the beach and mountains, closer to nature, where I can have peace and serenity much of the time. I'm embracing this hermit phase and trying not to judge. I'm uncertain of my career as a photographer, or the success of my new GanoCafe business. I have faith that everything will work out if I try to live out my design and embrace what it means to be a splenic manifestor. It's really all I can do right now. Live day to day, moment by moment, hoping that I'll have the means to get by.

Ra says in the Manifestor Manifesto. "You have to know when to pull back and do nothing." I am certainly in the do nothing phase. I'm in a phase of I don't know and I don't care!! It feels like I'm floating outside of the matrix, just observing, not really involved in much. I want to care, I truly do. And I want to act, initiate and have an impact. I just don't want to be exhausted anymore.

born 10/08/1977 at 2:14am in Westlake Village, California