The days seem to blend together, time has slowed yet still flies by at top speed. I've moved myself away from the hustle and bustle of southern California to the quiet, peaceful and slower paced life on Kauai to experiment with my design. Finally, the excitement of the new environment has passed and I settle into somewhat of a rhythm of a little bit of work and a lot of relaxation. My de-conditioning has begun.
The most significant change I feel is in my emotions or lack of them. I have a fully open emotional center with no gates touching and I used to be a basket case. As I've separated myself from people, crawled up into my roof (I'm a 6/2 in my 2nd phase), my wave is almost non-existent. It feels so cold and heartless sometimes and I don't always like it. In my reading I learned as a Manifestor, I'm here to be a cold hard dense marble that can punch through a wall. It's difficult to imagine myself like that right now because I'm such an open emotional wussy. I never want to ruffle anyone's feathers and I have a hard time confronting people with the truth. The name of my game for all my life has been play nice and make nice. Now, I'm challenging myself to stand up for what my intuition tells me no matter what and I know that isn't going be easy.
I finally understand what it means to watch the mind and not do it's biding. It's almost like I didn't even realize how in control my mind was until about an hour ago. The concept, being the witness is something I've heard and thought I understood, but I didn't. Tonight, I finally understood it on a body level. You see, I've never really not listened to my mind. There is just a constant barage of past memories, future speeches I'm going to make to people, judging myself for being this or that, judging others, thinking of what I'm going to do next, thinking I have to do the thing I think of right then and there.
It never stops and sometimes I react and do what it says and sometimes I don't. But never do I completely ignore it for more than 10 minutes. There's always the next thing and the next thing and the next thing. My mind is so afraid of not having a next thing, I can hear it quiver when there's nothing on the agenda.
But this time, for a brief moment, everything came alive as I lie in the middle of my living room staring at the ceiling. I gelled into the present. I became the thickness of the energy around me, almost floating in space. I was listening but not labeling, feeling but not judging, present and not thinking. And it was beautiful. Then my mind came back and reminded me that it was there. This time, I didn't listen. It kept talking and trying to get me out of the now, I told it to be quiet and said shhhhh to it over and over and went in and out of the being in the now for a few minutes.
My friend introduced me to a great movie last night, The Peaceful Warrior. One of the big lessons the peaceful warrior must learn before he becomes a true warrior is that it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. One of my biggest daemons. My whole life has been lived waiting for the next thing and wishing for something other than what I had in that moment. I'm always more excited when I'm heading towards something I think I want than when I actually get to it. My goal as a splenic manifestor is to be able to live almost always in the now. I've got a long ways to go.
Now I get what my Human Design teacher means when he says we are training to be warriors. We are truly waging a full battle against our minds. It takes practice and determination. Waking up isn't easy business and I know this. For some reason I just feel crazy enough to jump in and see where this ride takes me. I really have no choice, I'm declaring WAR!!