Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Adrenal Fatigue Healing Journal: #1: Detox Blues, Addictions, Depression...

An honest update from the adrenal fatigue healing trenches. I'm 9 months into the Nutritional Balancing Program and it's been a very difficult last few months as I am going through a serious heavy metal detox, extreme fatigue, depression, brain fog, gas, spaciness, dandruff, and emptiness. The good news is that I'm dumping heavy metals and parasites and my skin looks great! Somehow I managed to pull it together enough to make this jumbled vlog (honestly I cheated and had a double Americano this morning) where I share a little about my adrenal fatigue and depression story and background, how I used the plant medicine Ayahuasca for healing depression and drug addictions, and then discuss how my debilitating adrenal fatigue has fueled a deep spiritual journey into the ultimate self inquiry, "Who am I?"

Monday, June 15, 2015

When the Student is Ready, the Teacher will Appear

This growing love in my heart for my new teacher, Devaji (a 5/1 Generator) has taken me by surprise. I've never felt so safe with a male teacher before. His love and devotion to his students is unbounded and completely unconditional. I am so honored and in complete gratitude for this surprising turn of events in my life.

I professed my excitement for meeting him and wanting to move to Shasta to be with him in front of the group at the retreat this week. Locked in his timeless gaze of eternity he expressed back to me what was in my heart, that he had a growing love for me and saw that something was opening in me. It has become very clear after this 2nd retreat with him that there is nothing, absolutely nothing more important than ultimate liberation for this character. And Devaji has appeared in my life to guide me all the way Home. I have no idea financially how things will work out, however I know I will be supported.

Previous to Devaji appearing in my life, I had actually given up the search for a teacher long ago due to a few factors. The pursuit had failed me many times before, I always found teachers who were either weren't quite what I was looking for and ended up being hypocritical or hitting on me or if they were what I was looking for (Adya and Mooji and at one point Ra Uru Hu) they were extremely expensive to attend their retreats and somewhat unavailable due to their popularity. I would end up either disappointed or just having to return back to myself for guidance.

Luckily I have had astrology to help me understood why this has been the case. Ketu which represents our past lives is in my 9th house. This shows that in my past lives I have had and relied on spiritual teachers and father figures for guidance. (this is also why my relationship with my father was destined to not work out). Rahu is in the 3rd house, which has been interpreted as the necessity in this life to learn autonomy and have the courage to pursue the truth and transformation on my own. And this is mostly what has been. Until now. Pluto transited my nodes with a square and shook things up.

Because for the first part of my life I looked outside myself and to others for answers, there was a necessary step my soul needed to take in order to attain some level of autonomy. I had to learn how to navigate and make decisions from an internal place. So this life arranged itself for me to be isolated in my spiritual journey. I distanced myself from all the distractions and false teachings out there in the world. I learned how to be alone with myself and face the empty numb silence so all the demons within me could surface and be released. Through this process I learned how strong I was and what was important to me. I have come to a beautiful clarity about how to navigate the life through the wisdom of the body and only the body. After many years of struggling against life I have been beaten into submission. I have let go of the steering wheel and am fully surrendered. I have complete trust in life to take me where I need to go and provide the resources I need to get there. Devaji has reaffirmed this understanding in his teaching that everything is pre-ordained. I understand this on a much deeper level now and see my journey as only a blessing.

And now, as Devaji implied when I told him I thought I had to do it on my own, I am ready for a teacher because I need to learn that I don't have to do it all on my own. I can have the love and support of a teacher and community of others who are on the same path. Many people who come to him have this similar belief that they must "go it alone" and he appears to give them unconditional love and poignant guidance to final liberation. He's not here to tell me what to do with my life, he's here as a reflection of myself to help me answer any final questions, dispel my final doubts, and assist me in dissolving the ego completely so I can see permanently with clear eyes that I am the Self and that everything is One.