Sunday, November 18, 2012

100% In It

I am not my thoughts because they come and go in a background of stillness. These particular thoughts in this particular mind are particularly conditioned to this particular vehicle. The specific gates in my head/ajna centers as well as all of the white in my design flavor the thought streams that flow through me. I don't have to believe a word it says because it is ultimately just a tiny fraction of what I am. I can take in the entire world with this perspective too, knowing that whatever I am hearing, seeing, perceiving is just a projection of my mind and it isn't really true. Nothing needs to stick, I can let it all flow through me and enjoy the ride. The more I trust in my innate splenic wisdom of the moment, the more I can glide through this life and not try to grasp onto anything.

What is true does not come and go. What Is true, what "I" am, is the substratum, the primordial soup from which everything arises. All through the rise and fall of thoughts, ideas, beliefs, sensations, and feelings there is this, a watcher of it all, it notices everything and it is completely impartial to what comes and goes. This is me, my true identity. I am that and everything in between. I can let consciousness go where it wants and don't have to control it.

I can play with the thoughts, engage them or let them go, push them away or indulge in them, however, they are not here to make the decision for the body nor tell me anything about what's really true. What then precipitates action? If it isn't thoughts, then where does the movement of this vehicle come from? This question has been my mission to investigate and get to the bottom of for the last 5 years of my life. For me it's the core of my spiritual journey. It seems as though most of my life there is thought which proceeds action. But perhaps in the time space continuum of the universe the reverse is true and our body/mind system's are either too conditioned or not sophisticated enough to detect that action comes before thought. What I have noticed is that the less I try to control this vehicle, the more I see it's innate intelligence in knowing what I need and when I need it.

Without my mind commenting and weighing out every decision, would I be making any moves, would the body still be going this way and that way despite the minds agreement or thoughts on it? YES. It is to see that we are living out our designs anyways and that what the mind thinks about it it is completely irrelevant. The human design says this body will move through the life whether or not we think about it. Once we can establish a solid foundation in witness consciousness and know we are not our minds, trusting that the body will take us where we need to go, then the life truly becomes an entertaining movie. This engages the mind in a different way and the story of "me" and my life becomes much lighter and quieter. We get to play out our character and dance with creation.

There has been a shift in awareness, the deep trust in what I really am is no longer debatable. So these days, when waves of sadness, depression, boredom, anxiety, or a sense of inadequacy wash over me, instead of wallowing in it and letting the energy get stuck, I open my heart to it. I become curious about it and truly investigate what it is. I am able to release the idea that my experience should be different than what it currently is, and I can "be" sadness on a whole new dimension. The label of "saddness" begins to disappear as I see there is no one here to be sad. There is just a wave of sensation and thoughts appearing and disappearing in this ocean of being. I don't have to do anything about the state because I know the witness, my true self, doesn't actually give a shit about getting out of the state of depression, it's just stoked to experience the whole array of human emotion. It/Life/Consciousness/God/Spirit wants me to be in it 100%, whatever "it" is.  With this realization it seems the depression is no longer able to stick like it used to. I am getting to see what a beautiful mysterious unfolding of Love this expression of life truly is. Even in the depths of despair. Even during those moments of loneliness and having no idea what to do next. It's all good. These moments are all part of my movie.

The Siddhi of Gate 48 and my Life's Work according to human design is to get to "experience the full spectrum of consciousness, feelings, awareness and sensations uninhibited in human form." YES. This is what is happening as I let go and allow whatever wants to arise to be here. I am finally getting to see and be in awe of the beauty of my humanity.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Addiction & Disease Fall Away

I don't know what did it but my addiction to popcorn and weed have fallen away just in the last couple months. Also, pretty much a couple weeks after my 35th birthday, my chronic bladder infection that's been with me for the last 2 and a half years has pretty much disappeared. Wow, so many shifts in such a short time. I was always so worried about my addictions, always trying to get rid of them with my willpower and always feeling bad because I couldn't quit. I feel that what really allowed the addictions to fall away was learning to accept my humanity, facing my false identity with inquiry, healing the body/mind with bodywork, and having the courage to face my fears.

When I moved to Nevada City, I had the intention of finding healers to work with, and I found so many amazing ones. In just 3 months I ended up attracting exactly what I needed. Melanie gave me 2 sessions of Reconnective Healing which definitely had a profound effect. Coreen, an incredible acupuncturist has given me 5 weekly acupuncture treatments and that has helped my bladder infection a lot. Ash gave me Rosen bodywork. Kirsten did a Hakomi therapy session with me. And of course there is the Kundalini Yoga and my teacher Jai Dev. I feel that this practice and his teachings accelerated the healing process 10 fold. But really I feel all of these things combined have contributed to my healing. Facing my shit has contributed a lot as well. The amazing thing is that I was able to trade for most of it. Nevada City is a pretty magical place to live.

The other day, 3 days before my 35th birthday, when my body sat down and inquired into the nature of my "self" there was definitely some shifting going on in my being. I could literally feel stuff being moved around. Ever since that day there has been a sense of peace I have never felt before.

I feel so blessed today. The universe has been kind to me. Sometimes it takes time and distance to see how much you have really received what you were asking for. I feel like I'm finally coming out of the darkness and into the light. And the ironic thing is, I don't even care as much what happens anymore. There is an effortless surrender to what is here now, even if it's fatigue, sadness, boredom or annoyance. As soon as there is resistance, I can sink back into the sweet and peaceful background of awareness in which it is all happening. I have seen that my life's work is to go deeper and deeper into this surrender and to open my heart to whatever comes.

Taste of Freedom

Looking back over just one day that I felt rather blah about I now realize that so many feelings and experiences passed through me. For example...
Envy of the cat on my lap, so cozy, so serene, so at peace with sleeping all day
Boredom of mundane tasks
Appreciation of the orange tint of sunset outside my window
Confusion of how I feel about a new relationship
Anxiety about a future social situati on that hasn't happened yet
Frustration over not feeling like I'm enough
Energy and excitement about the possibility of my very own studio apartment Sweet and sassy as I giggled on the phone with a friend
Delight as my mouth melted on some pecan soy ice cream
Nervousness and overwhelm about starting a new job
Sadness and concern about my aversion to people
Lost with no direction
Sympathy for people who have no home
Annoyance at technical difficulties
Laziness for not exercising
Love for the little toddler having a difficult time communicating with her dad Blessed to have so much abundance
Turned on by watching a rocking music video …………………………………….
Feeling it all, heart opening to everything, I begin to taste true freedom.

Splenic/Ego Manifestor Mechanics

Spleen!! A new experience of getting a new job, internship and my first studio of my own just happend to help me understand how my splenic authority works. As a Splenic/Ego Manifestor - The theme for me is this, I'm moving along slowly, resting, working a little, chillin, non-energy la la...then a feeling for change arises and builds, but I've learned now that just because this feeling/thought arises that doesn't mean that I should act...I still need to wait and watch, basically I'm waiting for the splenic hit that comes with the energy surge of the ego...and then all of a sudden there is a necessity and drive to act, every cell in my body suddenly says make a move, I pick up the phone, send some emails, meet who I need to meet, and there is a huge drive and determination to get er done...make it happen...for my own well being...when my authority is clear, and when this ego energy is available, shit happens so fast! And then I rest again :) To be living in Innocence (6th color) is to become intimate with the unknown. No matter how much talk and thinking about desiring this or that goes on, what really is supposed to happen will make itself clear in the moment. Learning to let go of desire and trust my spleen is my journey. It really has done a great job thus far.

One of my totem animal is a Bobcat. I saw 3 of them within 1 month when I lived in Santa Cruz.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

A New Cycle has begun...

Just turned 35, a new cycle has begun. After weeks of being dragged through the proverbial mud, I welcome this shift into peace and clarity...a natural energy has emerged in the body/mind moving towards getting on with it, with this life, maybe even enjoying it again. it is inclining to focus on mastering the mundane, i.e. time to get to work and make some money and see what this money making vehicle (45-21) can do! like a really bad chess player who has lost one too many games, there is proceeding with caution to initiate the next move. the energy is there today, perhaps not tomorrow. i now know it's not in my favor to resist this natural energy flow of the body. if it's tired, i rest. if there's energy, i do. even if the mind doesn't like it one bit. hey MIND, you're not the boss of me!

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Witnessing Emptiness Dancing...

After I wrote the last post yestereday, something compelled me to just sit and meditate. There's nothing else going on so why not. But there was an element to it that was unique. I wasn't doing it because I was forcing myself to, my body just sat down and I closed my eyes. I began to ask the question over and over again, who is this that is so miserable? Where is this thing I call me? My mind would come up with an answer, and for me there's a general feeling of self that is composed of thoughts and feelings. It feels pretty solid. There is a real sense of a being somewhere. I really started to inquire into that.

This time I finally looked closer, I noticed that any thought or feeling I could point out that seemed like a "self" would gradually pass. My answer at one point was, "I am that feeling in my chest." So I would hone in on that feeling, and closely examine it. Okay, so there's a location in my awareness that is around my chest that feels like me. As I witnessed this feeling, my awareness would shift back to a thought, and the awareness in my chest would diminish as I paid attention to my mind again. What I came to see is that all of these thoughts, sensations and feelings that I have come to think of as "me" are really just coming and going and what stays is the awareness of everything coming and going. These moments of being the witness of the "emptiness dancing" (as Adyashanti calls it) were quickly labeled and described by the mind. At that point, I could easily detect the mind's desire to stay in control and just let it be another thing arising in awareness. So I let go and was able to see something, it danced, and I watched.

This misery I've been feeling has been mind driven and it really pisses me off because now I am beginning to see there is no real "self" that is feeling anything. It's the identification of some self that is the problem. My days have been bleak to say the least, with no plans, no people, no drive to do anything, the nothingness has been teasing my very existence. The mind's reaction is to find a problem with my situation, why I'm not motivated, why I'm so tired, and it resists, resists, resists facing the moment. After 2 weeks of this my body finally stopped and I finally took a moment to see what was all this disturbance about. This nothingness that is life for me right now is the perfect background for me, because it is calling me to look deeper. Life is asking me to look a little more closely at it. And I finally did. This time it was a pleasant experience. Not some mind blowing enlightening experience, but there was a calming effect to being able to remove myself from the identification with the noise in my head. The other thing I noticed was that my thoughts were like a shifting entity, with a shape and a location. Throughout the meditation, this location shifted shapes, sometimes I could sense it in the upper left quadrant and sometimes out in front of me.

Inquiry has always been a mystery to me. Now I have my own experience of it and understand a little better about what it means to really look at the question "Who or What am I?"

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

The worst time of my life

This time takes the cake for the most miserable time of my life. I don't know if I'm going through a dark night of the soul or if there is some entity in me that has taken over and has had control for a long long time. I contacted a doctor today to check me for parasites. Whatever this is, it has to end. Nobody should have to live like this and I know I am not meant to be this sad. I just got back from Taco Bell and I had 2 cups of coffee, neither of which did anything to make me feel any better. My story is ridiculous, I want to free myself from myself. I'm so confused about what to do. Is there anything to do? I may just need to surrender to this and let go, knowing it's really not up to me what happens to me. I have faith this is all for a reason, that I will get through the darkness to the other side. I am praying my butt off to my guides and God to help me get through this time. There's nothing to do, nowhere to go, nothing to get, and it feels like HELL!@@## I am in hell and I want out.

Friday, September 28, 2012

What's this Ache inside my Chest?

I believe you have broken my heart.
The colorless world passes me by,
day by day
no energy to create or engage.

I long for your touch
My world is nothing without you.
What happened to split us apart?
What did I do to deserve this?
My heart is shattered in a million pieces and
All I can do is imagine what it's like to be with you
I can't remember your face anymore yet
I would give my life to be with you again

Lying on the floor, crying out for you
Screaming your name
Arms spread wide
Begging for you to take me back and
Pierce my heart with your LIGHT

This pain shows me how much I long for YOU
how much I love YOU
I've never wanted anything more in my life
than to be with you again
How long must I suffer, Please!
Show me the way back
I'm on my knees, begging you
Animate this human life with your LOVE.

I want to see through you once again
My heart cries out for you - the ONE
Merge back with me
and I will be forever yours.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Gate 53 - Gateway to Ecstasy and Misery

Gate 53 - The Gate of Beginnings

Gina Concotelli impacted me with a great reading the other day. One of the things she told me really hit home. She said that with my gate 53, which is part of my Incarnation Cross of En devour, "I have a deep need to start and expand things and doing so keeps me healthy."

I'm not sure how healthy this pressure has been for me in the past. Starting about 3 years ago when I realized I was in the wrong career surrounded by the wrong people, I frantically set out to find my true purpose and passion in life. Oh my Open G. For some reason, after all my traveling in 2nd and 3rd world countries, I came back with a mantra that I had an obligation to the world to give back in a big way. After being in Taiwain for almost a year, I really came to appreciate what being born in American meant - opportunity. We as Americans truly can think of what we want to do and pursue it, there's no reason not to. My thinking was this, "I was blessed enough to be born in this country, and because of that, I have a responsibility to do something good for the world. Hey if I fail, I can always work at McDonalds. I'm always going to be able to survive." Basically, I put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to initiate and impact the world as quickly and efficiently as possible. After all, I am a Manifestor. It's my job to have an impact.

So with this mantra and a life time of conditioning from the Generator world, I started a lot of new things. I helped start a magazine, doing writing and photography for it, I helped try to start a eco-adventure T.V. show, I tried to create a photography business, tried to start a Green Spin Gym where the bikes produced electricity to power the gym, I worked on an eco-fashion show, I tried to start a production company to create short videos for Green businesses, I started a few blogs, I tried a few MLM's, I networked like no-body's business.

With each en devour, my body and mind raced with adrenaline and the possibilities it could bring to my life if successful. My mind of course was running the show and it was telling me to go for it each time. If I was starting something that I was excited about, I'd wake up invigorated about life in a new way. I'd have so much creative energy I couldn't sleep. My whole being came alive. My depression would go away and I'd feel happy again. Then, after the creative stages of coming up with the idea, I'd get to the hard work part of it. I tried to do it all myself and I'd drink more and more coffee to stay excited and energized about it and put all this pressure on myself to create perfection and be successful right away. I literally burned myself out on almost everything. Geez, no wonder I'm exhausted. My poor adrenal glands have been worked to the core. Inevitably, after the initiation part of the process, my feelings of emptiness would always come back.

Looking back, I see that time as a very frantic, confused and blurry time. Struggling to keep up with the world, struggling to find peace and happiness, pushing myself to limits for my not-self mind. Those last few pursuits were mainly driven by my open Root to hurry up and be free. Especially with the MLM businesses, I'd convince myself that I loved the product and I was good at sales and if I just put in 3-5 hard years selling this shit, I'd be free to do what I want. And of course my open mind and ajna were being influenced by the people at the top who were broadcasting this ludicrous way of thinking. I admit, I was their biggest sucker! Like everything else, my excitement for them slowly faded away and I'd feel more and more tired and repulsed by the thought of making them happen.

I gained much experience and skills from each pursuit but ultimately I depleted my life force by entering into things incorrectly and not knowing that I had to delegate in order to finish things. That's why I sit here, pursuing nothing. John Martin gave me some good advice. He said, "Trista, the best thing you can do right now is to stop." And I have. I've stopped saying yes. I've cocooned myself up. For 2 reasons; A. I'm exhausted and can't do it anymore and B. I'm terrified to start anything new because I'm afraid I won't be able to finish it. I don't want anyone depending on me to finish something, especially myself.

I'm so thankful for Human Design and my teachers because it has offered me a new way of being. I've finally let myself be the lazy "horse out to pasture" as Ra says Manifestor's are. As I listed to my reading from John over and over, his words have begun to sink in on many levels, "just because you can initiate doesn't mean you have to!" AMEN!

After a few months of slowing down and simplifying, I've detoxed from the Generator energy of the world, I've begun to feel my impact by just being who I am, and I've realized the importance and power of informing people about what I'm doing. I now realize that in order to have a successful business, I need to enter it correctly and I need to enlist the help of a few Generators who can help me get through the hard work when I don't have the energy for it. I also will find a person with Gate 42 (opposite of my Gate 53) or Gate 16 (opposite of my Gate 48) who has the skills and the pressure in their design to finish things. Most importantly, I need to live in the moment and not worry so much about the end results. I'm completely intuitive which means I have no friggin idea what I'm going to want to do until the moment of decision comes.

I won't be starting anything soon however, until I hear it from my authority. Now, if I could just figure out what my Spleen feels like, I'd be good to go.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Why Human Design alone isn't enough!! A perspective from this here rooftop

Human Design came into my life 2 and a half years ago to shock me! I needed a jolt to show me I wasn't living authentically as myself. I had been in a sea of confusion, chaos and self oppression thicker than mud. Thirty three years (and who knows how many lifetimes) of deep conditioning isn't easy to dissolve, however at that point in my life, my misery was so heavy that something had to change. The life force had been drained out of me through so many years of searching for happiness outside of myself and never finding fulfillment. Only now looking back can I truly understand how thick my conditioning has been and how estranged I was from my Beloved.

After learning about HD and reading Jed McKenna's 1st book, "Spiritual Enlightenment- The Damndest Thing" I was a launched even deeper into a spiritual dark-night that sucked nearly all the will to live from my being. I came to the stark realization that if this is all meaningless in the end then why should I even try or do anything at all. Without my normal motivation to attain happiness through pursuing external goals, in my case which was about finding the right career and partner, and no real direction on how to find true happiness, the emptiness within was nearly unbearable. How does one move in the world if not from ego pursuits? I knew there was another way, and human design shed some light on this question. I was determined to find out what it meant to move from spirit. In the darkest of days, and there has been many, finding truth has been the only thing that has kept me going. Now I see that the colors of the world were washed away to push me into seeking something deeper, something intangible and much more real. I had traveled, had lots of good sex, eaten the best food and drink, danced til the sun came up, was successful in a career, and had great friends and love for my family, none of which satisfied a deep longing in me for something more.

All I had the energy to do at that point was to get away from everything and everyone. Moving to Kauai allowed me to slow down and sleep. I slept for weeks. I practiced doing nothing, and I began to see who was really in control. It was my egoic mind who was running the show and holy shit was it powerful over me. My self love was nearly non-existent. Whatever intuition I had was hidden below many layers of mental distortion. Unfortunately at that point, I hadn't discovered any tools besides meditation to help re-program my mind. Studying human design was also helpful, and I began to practice my strategy of informing which helped alleviate some relationship strain over the fact that I disappeared. My "selfishness" in pursuing truth has been difficult for my loved ones to accept and I am sorry for that, however from my perspective, there's nothing more important than finding one's relationship to God and if that means leaving everything behind and starting fresh, than so be it. 

Although helpful in becoming aware of the insane antics of the mind, simply being still is not only extremely challenging but is slower than molasses in clearing out the muck of the mind. This is why today, I feel like singing Amazing Grace. I have prayed for someone to help guide me to the next level and the call of my soul has delivered me a master who is a skilled transmitter in the art and science of Kundalini yoga and Ayureveda. I had no idea my guidance would come in the form of yoga but now that I am studying it, it's a perfect next step in my soul's transcendence to cosmic consciousness.

How can we "hear/feel" our authority when the noise of our subconsious mind is louder than the divine voice that's trying to pierce through. Why should we sit and wait and wonder when our authority and clarity will come? If there was a tool to help you clear out your conditioning faster than just studying your design, wouldn't you want to try it?

Kundalini yoga is a powerful technology handed down through the centuries by the great rishi's of India. Up until only 40 years ago, the practices were a secret to the Western world. Brough to American in 1940 by Yogi Bhajan. It's very different than the regular yoga many of us have experienced. Through mantra, meditation and breath work, there is a systematic clearing out the conditioned mind and chakras. This clearing allows one to begin to align to their true calling. Through the use of this age old science, we can accelerate the process of waking up to our design.

Both HD and Kundalini are sciences that are ultimately about about the frequency of our aura. When our radio station is broadcasting a lot of static, it is difficult to call in to the correct people and opportunities for us. Once the aura begins to broadcast more clearly, and the mind is clear, there is more accuracy in being able discriminating what people and opportunities are for us and which ones aren't for us. A clear path becomes illuminated.

When the mind quits trying to run the life, only then can the body sing and bring the truth of who you are to fulfillment. The mind becomes an obedient slave and the true master of the spirit, God, can emerge. This surely doesn't happen over night but in just 1 month of doing Kundalini yoga, meditation,  and mantras, I have an greater sense of calm and clarity in my life than ever before. Not only that, but my prana is beginning to flow and my energy is coming back. I am looking forward to more clarity and alignment in the months and years to come.

Human Design alone is not enough to wake up for most people because the depth and breadth of most of our conditioning is so severe it would take a jack hammer to just penetrate the surface. Together they are a great team. Human Design shows you exactly where your mind is throwing you off your path, bringing specific awareness to allow one to become aware of their specific conditioning thus beginning to less force to the mind. It shows you just how conditioned you are, and it also points out a specific way in which you can ideally move in the world, through Strategy and authority. And Kundalini comes into play as a very powerful tool to clear out the muck, and get one in tune with this true authority. 

Monday, June 11, 2012

Gate 47 - The THORN in our FOOT

47.3 in detriment today!! Yikes - "A Self Oppression so energized it may prove irreversible and destructive." Oh how I know this gate so well. It's simultaneously the thorn in my foot and reason for existence. When I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, I know it is this gate yelling at me "the world is an ugly place, people are nasty, I am bad, there is no hope". It tries to get the upper hand to make me give up on life, kneel down before it's power, and surrender to a mediocre existence trapped in the maia. Oh no, I will not bow down!!

Luckily this gate is in an open center in my design, so it's not a constant pressure. But when the 47.3 does rear it's ugly head, I become physically unsettled, antsy, unsure of myself, not sure what to do or where to go, and not as trusting in people or the world. I tend to smoke more pot, or drink more coffee, eat sweets, indulging in the things that give me immediate relief from the pressure ... but not necessarily a good idea for the long term health of my body. And then the mind likes to use these activities as more floats for it's self- Opression parade. It then tells me things like, "You have horrible willpower, you are hurting your body, you'll never quit coffee, might as well just in-duldge because there's no meaning to life anyways!!" Oh it can be so serious, a huge varmint in the cage that is my mind.

To pass through this gate is to contribute to the healing of all of humanity, past present and future. The accumulated fear, wounds, and scars of our ancestors are held deep within the script of this gate in what scientists are calling our "junk" DNA. 

The challenge in these moments of confusion and darkness, these times in my life where there is a heavy grief of the whole world strapped to my back weighing me down, coupled with a conversation in my head about my species and all of it's horrible insidious darkness.. In a nutshell, it says that I suck, my friends and family suck and life sucks...sometimes, once in awhile during this ambush, my body just STOPs and instead of grabbing for something or acting on my thoughts, I just sit down and watch (52.2- Keeping Still Mountain)....not always an easy task...but when I have been able to do this, breathing awareness into my body, quieting my mind, settling into stillness...I feel my heart beating, my stomach rising and falling, and the attention moves from my busy mind to my body and back again, there is a reminder that under the turbulent surface all is quiet and calm...from this place of stillness, there is a foundation where I can really see the mind and it's antics. I can watch all the thoughts, sounds, sensations, feelings and urges, all begin to arise and fall within the safety net of a much larger and wiser perspective. I remember that this busy mind isn't actually who I am at all and that brings peace.

There is a sensation that I am pulling back the veiled curtain of my dominant ego and I peer into the simple, quiet, constant truth of my self. I begin to see the inaccuracy of the mind's judgments...they go from at one point feeling very true and very heavy on the body to feeling like just a little thorn in my foot that I just need to pluck when it comes around. The story loses it's weight and becomes just that, a story.

Through settling into witness consciousness I am able to sit back and actually laugh at myself, my mind becomes this hilarious overly-dramatic actress in the play of this character we call "Trista"'s  life. I pull back and see that these thoughts aren't even mine, they're just coming and going with everything else including my body sensations. None of these statements about the world are actually true all the time, and most importantly, none of them have any validity to tell me what is going on in this moment that is true. And this question, what is true?,  is what I can look at when I'm quiet. Each time I do this process, I am training my mind to give these oppressive thoughts less invitation to the party in my head. And each time, I am transforming a dense frequency into a more harmonious one in my body, bringing back a sense of balance and love.

Even though 47.3 can be a real bitch, without it I would have never started out on the quest for truth. I could say it gives my life meaning and purpose. Reading The Gift and the Siddhi of this Gene Key 47 - by Richard Rudd, has kept my sails afloat through many a dark nights- the Siddhi is called Transfiguration and it says - "The force of transmutation strips you emotionally and mentally to such an extent that it eventually reaches down into the physical matter of your body. The power of the myth then takes over and the very cells of your body begin to transmute into the pure light frequencies from which they are made." What this means to me is that by learning to face my fears, which are actually the fears of all of humanity, by staring this paper tiger directly in it's eyes, I can become the superhero I was born to be and I can contribute to raising the vibration of the entire universe. The ambitious gate 54.2 in my design calls me out to embrace the daunting challenge of the oppressive 47 collective consciousness, calling me to climb the ladder of the material and spiritual world to see if it is truly possible to walk through the gates of oppression and live out the full potential of this design. If this body/mind were a vehicle, I'd want to take this baby for a spin and see what she can really do. Who knows what's possible on the other side when we dive into the darkness? What I do know is that this "me" is driven to seek and find the divine truth within myself.

Gate 47.3 is the thorn of humanity and in this delicate and wonderful time of chaos, confusion and great awakenings on this planet, we must constantly ask ourselves at each moment, Am I buying into the false propaganda that I must live in fear or am I choosing this moment to live in gratitude and joy? This choice is the determining factor in the fate of our species.

 "Divine Grace can only touch those who work through the 47th Siddhi because these individuals have to take on the collective karma of the whole of humanity." (Gene Key 47 - Richard Rudd)

Monday, May 14, 2012

A love poem to My Self


patiently you wait
loving me right here
allowing me to be as I am
tenderly giving where I am able to receive
never expecting, never demanding

I always sensed you were there
through the pain and darkness
watching and loving unconditionally
revealing yourself slowly
you call me deeper with each conscious breath
and I begin to discover your mystery

crumbling the facade of armor
once set firmly around my heart
this tortured soul breaks free
splitting me wide open
to the perfection
of all that is

now I see clearly
while searching the world for true love
you were there the whole time
patiently waiting for me to turn around and see
my SELF is what I seek
I flutter back and land by my side
so grateful because I finally found you

Sunday, January 15, 2012


"I've actually been feeling really good lately, very peaceful and still. I haven't had a spell of depression for a long time."

Famous last words on skype last night with my dear friend in Toronto. The dark turbulent waves rolled in slowly this morning, first invading my vivid dark dreams in which my room mate kept changing things in the house so quickly I couldn't keep up, pushing down walls, changing my bed, cleaning and rearranging rooms. I finally collapsed and surrendered into a whirlpool of water floating below the cliffs on a piece of carpet, swirling around stoically while watching monsters overtake our house.

And then I awoke with a heavy fatigue. I could've slept forever but instead I decided finally at 11am to see if some caffeine would cheer me up. Sitting at the coffee shop in 1 of the 2 comfy chairs, I am awkwardly close to the pretty lesbian girl sitting in the other chair playing on her computer. My sadness seems evidently palpable but I don't think she consciously notices. I hold back my tears that are emerging from my eyes without my consent and for no reason in particular in order to spare her the inevitable question and consolations that usually come when someone is crying. I avoid eye contact with her so she won't see the tears. I continue to read my book, ironically a story which conveys my loneliness. The title is "The Commoner", about a Japanese girl in 1950's who is chosen to be the consort of the Crown Prince. Upon acceptance of his proposal, she is stolen away from the life she once knew with her family and swept into a cold, harsh, strict environment of rituals and traditions, never able to be speak her mind, infinitely alone amongst the crowd of people who surround her and watch her every move.

This extreme feeling of isolation is what I am familiar with. Even amongst the warmth and love of my family and friends I can feel like an uninhabitable iceberg. Calling a friend to talk about my sadness never seems like a good idea, for when I've tried to explain what this melancholy is, I am usually left with a feeling of greater isolation for the friend's inability to understand. How to explain this emptiness, how to convey that I know things about life that keep me isolated. Waking up isn't always a cozy experience. On the one hand, I am cradled by a deep inner knowing that this is the journey of the character I've been given in this lifetime, I've been through enough of these dark and contracted phases to know there is something brighter on the other side for my 6/2 character to grow into. Usually when I get through these melancholic days, a mutation occurs and I emerge even freer than I was before, a new maturity in my perspective that I didn't have before. On the other hand, I can't help but be swept up into the sad story of my mind. That I'll never care enough about anything to stick with it, that I don't have the energy to finish anything, that I'll never have a true and deep relationship with any man or friend due to my aura being repelling and dense. Accepting ones design can be both enlivening and en darkening. Yes, I am here to impact, initiate, make great en devours. And I'm also here to dive to the depths of hopelessness, searching for a deeper connection to spirit and building on that connection to strengthen my relationships with myself and other humans.

The ironic thing I realized about my design is that I was born in the Quarter of Duality which is about bonding and relationships. Despite the cold, dense and isolated aura of the manifestor, I am here to bond and live out a my karmic path with other beings. Isn't it perfectly contradictory? We are all given exactly the challenges we need in this lifetime. My natural instinct is to be a leader and impact people, sometimes with disregard to what they want or feel. I do feel a sense of ruler-ship in my blood, this 45.5 on my design side linking me to a long line of kings and queens that I've never heard of but have a connection to on an indescribable dimension. I can sense a fierceness in myself that I'm not necessarily comfortable with. This open emotional center in me, tempering my bursts of anger and need for control with a need for balance and harmony. The very obstacle in this lifetime I'm faced with is to deepen my relationships with those I love, to learn how to connect with people while impacting and living my design as a manifestor.

The unanswerable question that rings in my head is, "Who decides which one of us gets to live out their profile?" Will I ever be a true role model for myself?  This unknown mystery that Human Design has brought to my life keeps it interesting and despite my turbulence today, there remains an unshakable stillness in my core, ever watching and always present, reminding me that this is all a wonderful dream and I can just sit back and enjoy the ride.