Sunday, January 15, 2012

Dense

"I've actually been feeling really good lately, very peaceful and still. I haven't had a spell of depression for a long time."

Famous last words on skype last night with my dear friend in Toronto. The dark turbulent waves rolled in slowly this morning, first invading my vivid dark dreams in which my room mate kept changing things in the house so quickly I couldn't keep up, pushing down walls, changing my bed, cleaning and rearranging rooms. I finally collapsed and surrendered into a whirlpool of water floating below the cliffs on a piece of carpet, swirling around stoically while watching monsters overtake our house.

And then I awoke with a heavy fatigue. I could've slept forever but instead I decided finally at 11am to see if some caffeine would cheer me up. Sitting at the coffee shop in 1 of the 2 comfy chairs, I am awkwardly close to the pretty lesbian girl sitting in the other chair playing on her computer. My sadness seems evidently palpable but I don't think she consciously notices. I hold back my tears that are emerging from my eyes without my consent and for no reason in particular in order to spare her the inevitable question and consolations that usually come when someone is crying. I avoid eye contact with her so she won't see the tears. I continue to read my book, ironically a story which conveys my loneliness. The title is "The Commoner", about a Japanese girl in 1950's who is chosen to be the consort of the Crown Prince. Upon acceptance of his proposal, she is stolen away from the life she once knew with her family and swept into a cold, harsh, strict environment of rituals and traditions, never able to be speak her mind, infinitely alone amongst the crowd of people who surround her and watch her every move.

This extreme feeling of isolation is what I am familiar with. Even amongst the warmth and love of my family and friends I can feel like an uninhabitable iceberg. Calling a friend to talk about my sadness never seems like a good idea, for when I've tried to explain what this melancholy is, I am usually left with a feeling of greater isolation for the friend's inability to understand. How to explain this emptiness, how to convey that I know things about life that keep me isolated. Waking up isn't always a cozy experience. On the one hand, I am cradled by a deep inner knowing that this is the journey of the character I've been given in this lifetime, I've been through enough of these dark and contracted phases to know there is something brighter on the other side for my 6/2 character to grow into. Usually when I get through these melancholic days, a mutation occurs and I emerge even freer than I was before, a new maturity in my perspective that I didn't have before. On the other hand, I can't help but be swept up into the sad story of my mind. That I'll never care enough about anything to stick with it, that I don't have the energy to finish anything, that I'll never have a true and deep relationship with any man or friend due to my aura being repelling and dense. Accepting ones design can be both enlivening and en darkening. Yes, I am here to impact, initiate, make great en devours. And I'm also here to dive to the depths of hopelessness, searching for a deeper connection to spirit and building on that connection to strengthen my relationships with myself and other humans.

The ironic thing I realized about my design is that I was born in the Quarter of Duality which is about bonding and relationships. Despite the cold, dense and isolated aura of the manifestor, I am here to bond and live out a my karmic path with other beings. Isn't it perfectly contradictory? We are all given exactly the challenges we need in this lifetime. My natural instinct is to be a leader and impact people, sometimes with disregard to what they want or feel. I do feel a sense of ruler-ship in my blood, this 45.5 on my design side linking me to a long line of kings and queens that I've never heard of but have a connection to on an indescribable dimension. I can sense a fierceness in myself that I'm not necessarily comfortable with. This open emotional center in me, tempering my bursts of anger and need for control with a need for balance and harmony. The very obstacle in this lifetime I'm faced with is to deepen my relationships with those I love, to learn how to connect with people while impacting and living my design as a manifestor.

The unanswerable question that rings in my head is, "Who decides which one of us gets to live out their profile?" Will I ever be a true role model for myself?  This unknown mystery that Human Design has brought to my life keeps it interesting and despite my turbulence today, there remains an unshakable stillness in my core, ever watching and always present, reminding me that this is all a wonderful dream and I can just sit back and enjoy the ride.