Chronic Fatigue and spiritual awakening; A blessing in disguise


There has been struggling with Chronic Fatigue and Epstein Barr Virus for as long as I can remember, at least 15 years, probably more. I didn't know for sure that it was EBV up until last month. It started to manifest many years ago as a deep depression and fatigue that just got progressively worse.

When you have a life threatening illness, it's important to do what you can to heal the body. But what's more important is to heal the soul.


Back in college 17 years ago, there were repeated dreams where I was so extremely tired that I would lay down on the floor in the middle of class and fall into a deep heavy sleep. These dreams were an omen of what was to come. EBV would cyclically strip me of all life force to the point of near death over and over again.

This journey with Chronic Fatigue, Depression and EBV has taken me on such a profound spiritual quest that I actually wouldn't trade it for anything. It's been a forced deep dive into the heart of darkness to face every fear and belief that keeps me stuck in separation from God; from knowing my true eternal nature. Through the grace of EBV, I am being dragged back Home to my true original SELF. Back to a state of pure bliss and joy that can not be taken by anyone or anything, including an EBV flare up.

Anyone who has EBV knows what hell is like; days upon days of waking up feeling like shit, no energy to do anything, no ability to participate in life, and just being forced to lay in bed with your dark thoughts and dying aching body. After so many years of cycles into darkness I can say I've been to hell and back so many times it's like a 2nd home to me. 


"In a murderous time, the heart breaks and breaks and lives by breaking. It is necessary to go through dark and deeper dark and not to turn." ~Stanley Kunitz


The greatest blessing of EBV is that it has caused such deep suffering that there really has been nothing else to do but turn to Truth, to go within and find out who I really am. It has stripped me of all worldly desires simply because there is no energy for pursuing them. I have had no choice but to learn how to slow down and be still. To be with myself in silence and find out who I really am beyond the body and mind.

So this is my update from the healing trenches from a spiritual perspective. It's been awhile since I posted anything online, there's been an extended retreat into silence and stillness with Devaji and sangha. I've been attending every retreat he offers and now that I'm living in Mt Shasta I am attending the core group satsangs as well. I do not watch or listen to the news nor have I been on facebook or reading anything. Just learning to simply be..a Warrior of Truth.

What does that mean to be a Warrior? It means that when things get intense, the body crashes and the mind spins into fear, rather than getting swept up in the stories that something is wrong, to keep still, go within, pray to be a vessel of light and to just witness. To watch the mind spin it's stories of survival, of not being enough, not doing enough, and that everyone is mad at me and I need to do more to be loved. And to watch and RECEIVE whatever is arising, the pain of the body, the agony of the heart, the psychic attack of the mind, to receive all of it like a mother would hold her child.

And to really look and see, where is all this coming from? Who is the Me that is suffering? Can I actually find a Me?

"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you." ~ Gospel of Thomas

This is a truth which every mystic knows. As a result of facing the darkness within time after time, and watching the fears rise up and dissolve, a deep trust in life has arisen. I can see the perfection in all of it, even what the mind would call bad. I can feel the incredible grace in this sickness which has lead me down the rabbit hole in the passionate pursuit of Truth. And I have been show true LOVE, for myself, for life in all it's flavors and colors, and true compassion for myself and others.

I do not wish anything were different. This is easy to say when I'm not in a flare up. But truly each round with EBV brings me into deeper surrender, deeper peace and a more intimate relationship with What Is or God.  

Allowing and feeling the pain of lifetimes has burst the heart wide open and softened the hard shell which was built around it for so long. The rewards of this process is feeling more passion, more and more natural joy and love and an incredible compassion for myself and human condition. And the story of me and "my suffering" dissolves more and more. I am returning to my natural state of No One where true happiness reside.

I have been gifted with donations from my beloved sangha to go to India with Devaji this winter. I will be sitting with him at the feet of Arunachala where Ramana Maharishi lived and transmitted the silence for so many years. The trip got me reinvigorated to get this body strong, so there was a looking online for more help to address EBV. I came across oral hydrogen peroxide therapy and am giving it a try. Using this, a rife machine and some targeted supplements, there is a feeling of hope again that I can live EBV free. I also came across this wonderful support group on Facebook.

Whether or not the body fully recovers is irrelevant as I have tasted Truth and it's all I want. I have been given a few glimpses over the years of what it means to live outside the maia, the illusion, the box of the separate one. This place contains the deepest peace and joy that one could never imagine. It is a place where the joy and love remain despite what is happening in the body or mind or the world around us. It is Heaven on Earth and we are all being invited to return to this place.

If you have been given the gift of EBV, heed the invitation dear one. Your life is already being slowed down for you. Learn to be still. Feel the emotions that want to be felt. Watch the mind in it's insanity and see it for the innocent trouble maker that it is. Stop! and feel your heart. Focus on the awareness that never leaves you. This is where your true happiness lives.

Yes it is important to take care of the body, get the right supplements and change your diet. However this life is fleeting and it will be over soon, the body is dying anyways. You might as well spend your valuable time here finding out who you really are. Our suffering is our gift from Creator, he/she/it wants us back so badly she is willing to put us in hell so we begin to turn towards the Light within.

For the physical side of things, see my next post. I have been guided to the H202 or hydrogen peroxide therapy to kill the virus and get the body strong for my trip to India in December. Oh boy!


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