Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Because I grew up in a family and in an environment where people weren't taught how to process and release their own emotions in a healthy way, and no one taught me how to let the emotional waves of the world pass through me, I basically took on everyone's raw emotions and thought they were mine. And this was extremely uncomfortable in my body, so I always took it upon myself to settle and dissipate the intense frequency of room by making jokes to make myself and everyone feel better. After one of my father's angry eruptions at the dinner table because me or one of my siblings was chewing with their mouths open or scraping their teeth against their forks, I would always be the one to lighten the situation. I did this for most situations where someone was angry or emotional. I have lived most of my life making sure everyone around me wasn't upset. I had no idea this wasn't my job nor how much energy I depleted by doing this.
Michael A. Singer's book "Untethered Soul" has shed a lot of light on the reasons for my depression and fatigue.
An awakened being, he says is fully open to each moment, allowing every experience and perception to pass through the heart, body and mind fluidly. The heart is the magnificent center which controls the energy flow, or Prana of our entire system, and in it's natural state it is open and allowing. The reason why our heart isn't always open is because in our lives we have energy patterns come into our psyche that create disturbance and discomfort, and because we don't know any better, we resist them by not allowing them to pass through us. When we do this, energy patterns get blocked inside and keep circling around. They are unfinished and stuck inside our hearts until we can stop resisting them. These are what they call "Samskaras" and every single event that didn't make it through us from the time we are babies to this moment, is still circling inside. These impressions encrust the valve of the spiritual heart (which is the "solar plexus" center in human design) and that encrustation builds up and restricts the energy flow. Overtime enough of these blockages can lead to a completely numb heart, depression and fatigue.
By the time I was 33, I had so many blocked energy patterns, that my heart was completely encrusted and shut down. And because of this, my Prana or life force energy had become trapped and almost non existent.
The pain of taking on the emotions of the world was too much for my body to handle, leading me to close myself off to not only emotions but to life itself. This pain and trauma hit it's pinnacle approximately 3 1/2 years ago when luckily I stumbled upon human design, which helped to explain a lot and gave me the permission to start down the long and arduous road of de conditioning my open centers and becoming myself. There was no other choice, either I could keep dying or I could work on clearing out the caked up conditioning of a lifetime and strive to be happy and free. Luckily my life arranged itself so that I could get away from people while still being able to support myself. For 4 months straight I slept between 12-20 hours a day. There wasn't any crying or felt emotion at that time, just a complete fatigue, darkness and fog in my head. It took about a year to finally start feeling my pent up anger and repressed emotions and at that time I still didn't know how to process these, so I continued to smoked pot to give me the illusion of joy and creativity. Before that time, I had no idea I was even angry.
It has taken another 2 years, after a lot of rest, kundalini yoga, meditation, and working with plant medicines, to finally be able to confront these emotions without turning to substances to keep them blocked. This process of dropping my addictions has been inextricably linked to the level at which I am able to allow these stuck energy patterns to pass through me. And I must also add that that my ability to face these energy patterns has been inextricably linked to my experiences with Iboga and Ayahuasca.
Today in my experiment I am feeling things again. There's still a lot of sadness and fatigue mixed in with anger but I also have days of joy and lightness of being. I feel I am at the beginning of a beautiful opening and depth of living I never imagined was possible. And I know it's truly only the beginning of what's possible. Doing kundalini yoga and meditation everyday is assisting in the process of bringing up old energy patterns to face and release. They are starting to pour out of me on a weekly almost daily basis and for once in my life, I am allowing this process to happen. There's almost a sweetness to it now. Singer says, "Once you sit deeply enough inside to stop fighting the stored energy patterns, they'll come up constantly and pass right through you. Just let it all happen. Get it over with. If you relax and release, this purification of your heart is a wonderful thing." He is right, I am beginning to feel an undercurrent of pure love underneath each wave of stuck energy as I open my heart and say YES to it. I am no longer allowing the mind to give these bitter sweet waves a story. My heart and solar plexus are clearing themselves out and at the moment there is no end in sight. However, the vision and possibility of a truly inspired, creative and joyful life remains as my motivation to keep me going down this path. I see myself in the near future as a pure vessel of light, love and abundant energy. My true self is on the horizon and I am starting to feel the warmth and brilliance of her rays. For now I will continue to allow whatever is arising to be as it is with as little resistance as possible.
Singer asks us "Are you willing to go through this process of purification, or do you want to try to change the world so it doesn't disturb your Samskaras? Your reward is a permanently open heart. You live in love, and it feeds and strengthens you. Unending inspiration, unending love, and unending openness. That is the natural state of a healthy heart." I for one believe that our birth right is to be in this state of openness, love and joy at all times. Do you?