"Only if we venture repeatedly through zones of annihilation can our contact with Divine Being, which is beyond annihilation, become firm and stable." ~ Karlfried Graf von Durkheim
On my knees once again, fully wiped out, defeated. I've been KO'd by Pluto again and all I can do is surrender and patiently wait for this contraction wave to pass. Today it feels like I'll never get better, that this adrenal fatigue will never heal and I'll never have enough energy or clarity to accomplish anything in this life.
I'm feeling sorry for myself, it's been awhile since I've been in self pity mode. Why me? why do I continually have to be punished this way? Why can't I have dreams and goals and pursue them like other people? What is the purpose of this suffering and when will it end!!
The slate of my identity (Sun) is being cleared. Once again I'm reminded that what I think I want doesn't really matter. This life isn't mine anymore, (it never was but the mind likes to think it has had some choice) and each time I try to claim it I'm humbled by emptiness and fatigue. Pluto is transiting through my 6th house of health and work, killing the old me slowly physically and metaphorically, stripping me of any future plans and bringing me back to ground zero. What will be re-birthed is still a mystery.
Yesterday I flew back from a long pleasant visit in Orange County with my family in my Mom's big clean cozy house. As I arrived back into my tiny crappy freezing cold apartment, I looked around and was motivated to work harder to make more money and get out of this place. This Libra values aesthetically pleasing environments and she's not in one. But I feel stuck because how can I make more money if I'm exhausted all the time. I'm sick of being broke and I'm sick of being tired all the time. Something's gotta shift!
There's confusion. There are opposing desires (3rd and 9th house/Libra and Sagittarius). I recently learned that when Pluto is squaring the nodes it is like this. You are being pulled equally between your South Node, what feels familiar from your past and North Node, the unfamiliar new territory of what your soul wants to evolve to.
It feels like I'm at a Crossroads. Frozen in my tracks. No where to go but In.
Studying about my North and South node position and Pluto in the 3rd house has actually given me some perspective on why I feel this teeter tottering back and forth.
The 3rd house/Gemini is an attempt to know things with the logical right brain, to name things, understand them and communicate them. I have been researching and learning a lot about Evolutionary Astrology, understanding past life trauma and how it plays out in our current lives, how Pluto works on a subconscious level to push us to evolve. I recently found Mark Jones Pluto School and am wanting to take his certificate program so I can help others understand their lives through astrology better.
The 9th house is about Truth and our connection to something larger than us. It is the left brain intuitive knowing which functions in a non-linear fashion. It's about trusting in the unknown, faith and higher truths. After periods of mental activity, I'm pulled back to the silence, reminded of the depth of fulfillment that comes when I rest in the unknown.
The confusing part is my North Node (the evolution of the soul's direction) is in the 3rd house so my soul's destiny in this life is to learn how to use language and knowledge to share what I know. And Mercury is in the mix which explains why my throat chakra feels blocked and I feel like I'll never be able to speak what I know. Perhaps with Pluto and Sun conjunct the North Node, I'm here to share what I know about the death of the identity (Sun) and liberation of the soul (Pluto) once this process is complete in me.
It seems like the only choice, if there is a choice, is to continue the deep dive into shedding this identity in order to complete the soul's mission. All these questions are just mental distractions, and I will continue to gently guide the mind back to the awareness of silence.
The strongest desire is for final liberation to be the strongest desire. To wake up from the dream and know my true existence as That which doesn't die.
The character also has a very strong desire to serve others, to learn and share her knowledge to help people heal and wake up. She wants to have a successful business working for herself, with enough money for rent, a decent car and some extra to take astrology classes and travel. Are these desires just the mind distracting me from the SELF? It feels like I'm being asked to surrender even these seemingly pure hearted desires. To let go of all thoughts, ideas, and beliefs about who I think I am and where I'm going.
It's actually pretty funny because it's all there in my chart, when I think about the bigger picture, it's pretty obvious that we're truly the puppets of the Maia which plays itself out through the planets. I'm just the incompetent choice-less character playing her role. Aren't I such a great actress! I wish I already knew for sure that this was just a dream.
The harsh Truth as I see it today is this. If I want liberation, I must surrender everything and that means EVERYTHING, all my hopes, dreams and desires for how I think this life should be, and truly allow the ego to die. Once the character is completely free, she will live out her role in the movie as she is destined too and I will be consumed in eternity. Living in true Joy and Bliss no matter what's happening on the screen of Trista's life.
I'm mentally done with the human game of desire and fear. Now I pray for the courage to confront everything that comes up with the one pointed commitment to this heart's devotion to Truth & Love.
"The true name for wisdom is the absence of knowledge...When you recognize you know nothing you recognize you are nothing and in that nothing you are everything. You always were. It was all traded in for a sense of safety that is called knowledge." ~Devaji