Friday, October 9, 2015

Day 9 of 21 Day Silent Retreat with Devaji

The silence and Satsangs with Devaji are intense. We have 2 Satsangs per day, one in the morning and one in the evening. We sit in silence for 75 minutes before the morning session and 50 min before the evening session. 

At first the silence pulled me in so deep and I was shown so clearly how everything this character goes through is happening in a background of stillness. For the first time, while this body was going through a big detox and felt extremely fatigued, I was able to recognize and find relief in that which is never touched by whatever the body is going through. Even though I felt like shit physically and mentally, sinking into the stillness brought gaps of extreme peace. What a gift! After day 5 the fatigue lifted.

One thing Deva talks about often is that everything is being orchestrated perfectly for our awakening. I'm experiencing this more and more. During one meditation around Day 6 it felt like a mini Ayahuasca journey where the body and mind were clearly being taken on a wild ride of emotions and chaos, yet there was always something still and silent just watching, completely untouched. It was showing me how nothing that's happening in the "3 dimensional, 5 sensory, movie picture show" matters to who I really am, the still unchanging background of silence. During the meditations, alternating waves of emotions, confusion, attempts to figure things out, teachings, mantras, body shakes, discomfort etc go on and on. It's like a friggin damn circus show is continuously unfolding within my own little made up world and it's all a creation of the mind. It's all an illusion! The only thing going on is the silence. However everything is felt very real in the body and mind, despite this I was being shown that it was all just a crazy ride and it wasn't me at all. Another blessed gift.

After what felt like a couple days of peace, the mind got extremely noisy and escalated to finally a yelling in my head "I'm always doing something wrong!" It's this core belief that I can't just be me or else it will upset someone (open Emotional Center). This is causing a tenseness in the jaw and a feeling like I just can't relax and be me. This core belief is running a current of energy that is most often subconscious and the ego uses it to stay in tact. As Devaji often talks about, there is a numbing mechanism placed very early in childhood in reaction to certain beliefs we adopt from our parents. 

For me, it is at the root a fear of being close with people. I think I fear they will need my energy like my father did and if I can't give it to them I will hurt them. This could be the core wound which caused the Adrenal Fatigue in the first place. I am meeting it with the help of Deva and it will dissolve. With this false belief, the body will relax into Being more and more and I'm sure my jaw will loosen up.  

Overall, the feeling is like being bathed in a love so clear and so deep from Devaji and it is shaking me to the core. Literally this body has electrifying jolts of energy pulsing through it nearly every Satsang. My heart is being cracked open by the love from this beautiful man who is representing the unconditional love of my father I never received. He's truly devoted in every way to me and anyone else who is there for truth. I almost can't believe I'm with a teacher so pure, so direct in his teachings, and unwavering in his love. He doesn't want or need anything from me except to help liberate me and love me unconditionally. Bowing in gratitude for this opportunity to be with him for so many days in a row!

Back to the silence. Loving you whoever is reading this. 
Ohm Shanti Shanti ohm..