Saturday, December 5, 2015

Astrology & Human Design of Meeting my Guru

Meeting my new beloved teacher Devaji and moving to Mt. Shasta all fell into place very auspiciously, it was true Destiny. It was also a good example of what it means to wait for the energy to initiate as a Manifestor and how splenic/ego authority works. When I wait for the energy, everything falls into place effortlessly and the change is fun.

Pluto in Cap squaring my natal Rahu/Ketu conjunct Uranus in Aries - also I have Rahu/Pluto/Sun all around 15° Libra which was squaring Pluto
***Transiting Pluto (death, rebirth and transformation) in Capricorn (my 6th house) was Squaring my natal Ketu or south node which represents my past lives. In addition Uranus (planet of sudden change and enlightenment) was opposite my Sun/Rahu/Pluto within 2 degrees. I found this information about it on an school of evolutionary astrology forum from Deva. "In the case of Pluto square the nodal axis the Soul has not fully developed the lessons reflected by either of the nodes and so has skipped steps to resolve in both areas (NN and SN). The Soul has attempted to evade or escape these lessons by fluctuating back and forth between the behaviors of the South Node and the North Node (so neither area has been fully resolved or developed). In the current life then, the Soul must fully recover or resolve those skipped steps (it is a critical evolutionary juncture for any Soul that has this natal signature). Transits symbolize critical times from an evolutionary point of view where the core lessons in the natal chart are emphasized to be resolved, and growth is intended to occur in an accleterated/intensifed manner.

My North node is ruled by Venus. One of the skipped lessons Devaji has come to assist me with is that of unconditional love and how to have healthy plutonic intimate relationships with men.

On April 18th, 2015 with a new moon in Aries in my 9th house of spirituality. My spleen intution was speaking to me. There was this strong voice inside me to email a man, lets call him Seth, that I had met 3 years prior at a Kundalini retreat. I was instantly attracted to him back then and found out he was already in a relationship so I didn't pursue asking him to hang out then. 3 years later on this day, after seeing that he was back in town from a long trip to India, my mind literally kept me awake tossing and turning with the command, "just do it, reach out to him and ask him to hang out". And so the next morning I did. I emailed him and asked him if he would like to hang out at the river and a day later he responded yes. I was so excited. Little did I know that this meeting was for the purpose of introducing me to my new teacher.

April 22nd, I had the honor of attending a one-on-one Ayahuasca ceremony with a Shaman in training at her house. Besides it being very intense physically, it wasn't a dark or scary experience like I had in Peru. As usual, I was brought to the experience of death, or the edge of my ego consciousness. The breath and heart stopped a few times momentarily to be shown the vast silence of consciousness beyond my body mind self. The booming silent emptiness came to the foreground and I was able to sit with it in peace. I felt grounded and safe, protected by benevolent beings. I had asked my Shaman friend Kirstie who I met at the temple in Peru to be there with me in spirit to help protect me and she was there on my left. The kundalini energy was pumping up my spine and moving my body in undulations. This was quite typical. Afterwards I just felt completely emptied out. Kristie said this was a good thing, as this made space for new things to enter my life. And truly big new things were on the horizon.

I attended a Shamanic Drum Journey with Lily Pantheon locally here in Grass Valley. She guided us on a journey to the upper world where we were to meet our higher self and receive a healing or something we needed. As usual, I didn't expect anything significant to happen because sometimes it doesn't. In hindsight, I can see how significant this even really was. On the journey I ascended up above the clouds into space. I stopped in space which was empty except some clouds beneath my feet. There was no one or nothing there and I just waited to see what would appear. After awhile of waiting, Ramana Maharshi appeared in the clouds and told me I had to go all the way (to enlightenment) I knew exactly what he meant.

4 Days later, April 27th, I spent the day at the river with my new friend Seth and we discovered we had similar devotion to the path of liberation. We spoke of our teachers and experiences. We swam in the majestic Yuba river and relaxed in the sun on the rocks, it was a lovely time. He told me about his teacher, Devaji in Shasta and told me I would probably like him as he was in the Ramana Maharishi lineage. As soon as I got home from the river, I pulled up Devaji's videos on youtube and began to watch. His intensity immediately drew me in and a deep hunger for awakening was reignited in me like never before. Right away, I wanted to meet this man. There was a 5 day retreat coming up in May that I was drawn to attend but I had no idea how I would financially afford it.

A few days later, I decided to call the person in charge of registration for the retreats to find out if there were any work trade opportunities. Long story short, because I expressed a strong hunger and serious devotion to the path, I was granted a partial scholarship to attend the retreat for a small percentage of the price. In addition, I was graciously offered a place to stay practically for free with a lovely woman from the Sangha in her beautiful house on Lake Shastina. It couldn't have fallen into place any easier and I knew that this was meant to be.

08/01/15 - Jupiter conjunct Natal Saturn in my Ascendent exact at 27° squaring Saturn in Scorpio in my 4th house of home/family at 28°- Moved to Mt. Shasta.
Jupiter allowed a super smooth and easy move from Grass Valley to Mt. Shasta, I sold just enough furniture to afford the move. Saturn at the end of my 4th house - Nothing extravagant, I moved into a tiny room in a tiny apartment in Weed with a woman and her sweet dog from the Sangha that I could afford.

Jupiter conjunct my Ascendent Leo within 1°
05/13/15 - I was in Lake Shastina going to meet my new teacher and receive the grace of his powerful transmission of silence. I realized my new love affair was with this silence.

07/12/15 - Pluto square Pluto exact - during my nap I had a dream I was being burned alinve and it didn't even hurt because I was transparent.

And so my journey with Devaji has just begun. The path is well lit and cleared before me. Feeling the inevitability of enlightenment in this life for this character.

Friday, October 9, 2015

Day 9 of 21 Day Silent Retreat with Devaji

The silence and Satsangs with Devaji are intense. We have 2 Satsangs per day, one in the morning and one in the evening. We sit in silence for 75 minutes before the morning session and 50 min before the evening session. 

At first the silence pulled me in so deep and I was shown so clearly how everything this character goes through is happening in a background of stillness. For the first time, while this body was going through a big detox and felt extremely fatigued, I was able to recognize and find relief in that which is never touched by whatever the body is going through. Even though I felt like shit physically and mentally, sinking into the stillness brought gaps of extreme peace. What a gift! After day 5 the fatigue lifted.

One thing Deva talks about often is that everything is being orchestrated perfectly for our awakening. I'm experiencing this more and more. During one meditation around Day 6 it felt like a mini Ayahuasca journey where the body and mind were clearly being taken on a wild ride of emotions and chaos, yet there was always something still and silent just watching, completely untouched. It was showing me how nothing that's happening in the "3 dimensional, 5 sensory, movie picture show" matters to who I really am, the still unchanging background of silence. During the meditations, alternating waves of emotions, confusion, attempts to figure things out, teachings, mantras, body shakes, discomfort etc go on and on. It's like a friggin damn circus show is continuously unfolding within my own little made up world and it's all a creation of the mind. It's all an illusion! The only thing going on is the silence. However everything is felt very real in the body and mind, despite this I was being shown that it was all just a crazy ride and it wasn't me at all. Another blessed gift.

After what felt like a couple days of peace, the mind got extremely noisy and escalated to finally a yelling in my head "I'm always doing something wrong!" It's this core belief that I can't just be me or else it will upset someone (open Emotional Center). This is causing a tenseness in the jaw and a feeling like I just can't relax and be me. This core belief is running a current of energy that is most often subconscious and the ego uses it to stay in tact. As Devaji often talks about, there is a numbing mechanism placed very early in childhood in reaction to certain beliefs we adopt from our parents. 

For me, it is at the root a fear of being close with people. I think I fear they will need my energy like my father did and if I can't give it to them I will hurt them. This could be the core wound which caused the Adrenal Fatigue in the first place. I am meeting it with the help of Deva and it will dissolve. With this false belief, the body will relax into Being more and more and I'm sure my jaw will loosen up.  

Overall, the feeling is like being bathed in a love so clear and so deep from Devaji and it is shaking me to the core. Literally this body has electrifying jolts of energy pulsing through it nearly every Satsang. My heart is being cracked open by the love from this beautiful man who is representing the unconditional love of my father I never received. He's truly devoted in every way to me and anyone else who is there for truth. I almost can't believe I'm with a teacher so pure, so direct in his teachings, and unwavering in his love. He doesn't want or need anything from me except to help liberate me and love me unconditionally. Bowing in gratitude for this opportunity to be with him for so many days in a row!

Back to the silence. Loving you whoever is reading this. 
Ohm Shanti Shanti ohm..

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Can you Feel Yourself?

You Are...
pure vibrant potential
radiating throughout
everyone and everything
originating at your own heart

Can you feel yourself?

You Are...
closer than your own breath
more intimate than the feeling of your body
and you've never even for a second left yourself

You Are...
everywhere, every when and everything
you've never died and never were born
you've always been
right here, right now

weaving the fabric of your own universe
with threads made from LOVE

You are...
this vast open space
empty, silent, still
yet full of mystery and wordless beauty

You silently watch your life unfold
enjoying every single second
of your very own creation
no matter how dark or chaotic it may seem

Silly you..
Why did you forget yourself,
contracting into a tiny little person
who suffers, desires and craves things
that come and go?

Oh yes,
you wanted to play the game of life
that you may experience every single thing
there is to experience
dark and light and everything in between

And with each passing phenomena
each satisfaction of desire
something never feels quite like home

you decide to quit playing the game
and be Still
slowly you turn back to your center
to find out what remains
when everything else comes and goes

And you begin to fall into yourself
enamored with your own vast and timeless essence
and when you fall all the way in
once again
you are basked in the Grace of Eternal Joy and Peace
and you will never forget yourself ever again
no matter what!

Can you feel yourself?

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Adrenal Fatigue Healing Journal: #1: Detox Blues, Addictions, Depression...

An honest update from the adrenal fatigue healing trenches. I'm 9 months into the Nutritional Balancing Program and it's been a very difficult last few months as I am going through a serious heavy metal detox, extreme fatigue, depression, brain fog, gas, spaciness, dandruff, and emptiness. The good news is that I'm dumping heavy metals and parasites and my skin looks great! Somehow I managed to pull it together enough to make this jumbled vlog (honestly I cheated and had a double Americano this morning) where I share a little about my adrenal fatigue and depression story and background, how I used the plant medicine Ayahuasca for healing depression and drug addictions, and then discuss how my debilitating adrenal fatigue has fueled a deep spiritual journey into the ultimate self inquiry, "Who am I?"

Monday, June 15, 2015

When the Student is Ready, the Teacher will Appear

This growing love in my heart for my new teacher, Devaji (a 5/1 Generator) has taken me by surprise. I've never felt so safe with a male teacher before. His love and devotion to his students is unbounded and completely unconditional. I am so honored and in complete gratitude for this surprising turn of events in my life.

I professed my excitement for meeting him and wanting to move to Shasta to be with him in front of the group at the retreat this week. Locked in his timeless gaze of eternity he expressed back to me what was in my heart, that he had a growing love for me and saw that something was opening in me. It has become very clear after this 2nd retreat with him that there is nothing, absolutely nothing more important than ultimate liberation for this character. And Devaji has appeared in my life to guide me all the way Home. I have no idea financially how things will work out, however I know I will be supported.

Previous to Devaji appearing in my life, I had actually given up the search for a teacher long ago due to a few factors. The pursuit had failed me many times before, I always found teachers who were either weren't quite what I was looking for and ended up being hypocritical or hitting on me or if they were what I was looking for (Adya and Mooji and at one point Ra Uru Hu) they were extremely expensive to attend their retreats and somewhat unavailable due to their popularity. I would end up either disappointed or just having to return back to myself for guidance.

Luckily I have had astrology to help me understood why this has been the case. Ketu which represents our past lives is in my 9th house. This shows that in my past lives I have had and relied on spiritual teachers and father figures for guidance. (this is also why my relationship with my father was destined to not work out). Rahu is in the 3rd house, which has been interpreted as the necessity in this life to learn autonomy and have the courage to pursue the truth and transformation on my own. And this is mostly what has been. Until now. Pluto transited my nodes with a square and shook things up.

Because for the first part of my life I looked outside myself and to others for answers, there was a necessary step my soul needed to take in order to attain some level of autonomy. I had to learn how to navigate and make decisions from an internal place. So this life arranged itself for me to be isolated in my spiritual journey. I distanced myself from all the distractions and false teachings out there in the world. I learned how to be alone with myself and face the empty numb silence so all the demons within me could surface and be released. Through this process I learned how strong I was and what was important to me. I have come to a beautiful clarity about how to navigate the life through the wisdom of the body and only the body. After many years of struggling against life I have been beaten into submission. I have let go of the steering wheel and am fully surrendered. I have complete trust in life to take me where I need to go and provide the resources I need to get there. Devaji has reaffirmed this understanding in his teaching that everything is pre-ordained. I understand this on a much deeper level now and see my journey as only a blessing.

And now, as Devaji implied when I told him I thought I had to do it on my own, I am ready for a teacher because I need to learn that I don't have to do it all on my own. I can have the love and support of a teacher and community of others who are on the same path. Many people who come to him have this similar belief that they must "go it alone" and he appears to give them unconditional love and poignant guidance to final liberation. He's not here to tell me what to do with my life, he's here as a reflection of myself to help me answer any final questions, dispel my final doubts, and assist me in dissolving the ego completely so I can see permanently with clear eyes that I am the Self and that everything is One.

Monday, May 18, 2015

The silence grabs me like a LOVE I have never known

2 days after my 3 day silent retreat in Mount Shasta with my new teacher Devaji and the realization of what I really am is sinking into the heart of this being. His transmission of Truth is so firm, so powerful, unwavering and extremely transformative, no one can escape untouched. Sitting in the chair across from this fully awakened being while looking into his eyes, the student is drawn into a force field of consciousness so powerful that the busyness of the mind falls away. You may forget your name, what you came up there to ask and how to speak the words but none of that matters. That's not what you're there for. Your breath deepens and you are pulled into his vortex of peace.

Once I ask him my question about the role of Shamanism and Non-Duality, his words penetrate straight through my heart and I forget them as soon as they are spoken. He conveys to me what I already knew deep inside. I needed to hear it from someone I respected. All phenomenon in the dream worlds of all dimensions, including this one are potential distractions from the Truth of our being. (there's more to this and I will probably write about it at another time) Luckily the Satsang was being recorded so I can listen to his answer again.

Even though I knew he was only reflecting and amplifying that which is within me already, as soon as I returned to my seat I longed to be back in front of him caught in his gaze of eternity forever. And it is understood that this is what a true enlightenment teacher is for, not to give the mind more words and concepts but for the transmission of the wordless mystery which captivates the heart and silences the mind.

The backdrop of the snow capped mountain, her majesty Mount Shasta, further deepened the transmission of the silent Now which permeates every changing phenomena in the life. With the play of clouds constantly moving over the peak throughout the day, an ever-changing awe inspiring live painting is presented as more and less detail of her beauty is revealed and then masked again. And as the foreground and backdrop change, she stands firm, receptive and Divine.

The tears burst forth this morning as a deeper recognition of THAT which I am brings a current of a love and beauty that so magnificent, so vast, so complete that it bursts my heart open and I am grateful even for just a taste. The body trembles for a few moments before it further relaxes into another level of surrender. The exploration of this silent mystery has truly just begun even though I've been meditating for years. The silence has pulled me in like a mysterious new lover. I am eager and craving to get to know this new lover more intimately.

Before this retreat I was sitting in silence because I had been pointed in that direction by my teachers and I knew I was on a path to freedom and this practice was a necessary component. Meditation has indeed transformed me in many ways and the silence was recognized but it hadn't really sucked me in completely. There was still a question of "why am I doing this exactly?" and the ego wanted to know "what's in it for me?" Now it's clear. There is freedom in this silence. The freedom isn't about liberation from the ups and downs of life. It's a freedom from mistaking the emotional roller coaster of life as who you are. Who you are is completely untouched by anything the character is going through. Who you really are has nothing to do with what's going on in your life.

This booming presence, which has always been here as the background of the movie which I call my life;
1. Is the only thing that truly matters
2. Is the only thing that actually exists and
3. Is what we are ALL longing to return to

The story of this life is further chipped away. What "I" want is starting to matter less and less. The understanding that every thought, desire, and experience of this character is just playing itself out and there is nothing "I need to do" registers more completely in the cells of this body. And the tears flow once again flavored with a seasoning of joy and deep sadness as attachment to this ego/mind falls away. There is a bitter sweetness to this self realization process.

I am so grateful for this 3 days of silence and satsang with Devaji and his beautiful Sangha in Mount Shasta. Because of this time with them, the hunger inside for truth is burning stronger than ever. This player is devoted to getting off this crazy human ride in this lifetime once and for all.

Friday, March 13, 2015

My 1st Past Life Regression Session - Theme Relationships

When I saw a Shamanic Meetup group in my area with a woman who was going to lead a past life regression, I knew that this event was for me. I had never done one before and was curious about trying it. In hindsight, there was a clarity in the decision to attend this event that only comes when something is perfect for me. (6/2 up on my roof) It was definitely a splenic hit. 

I've had an increasing interest in Shamanic work since I got back from the Temple in Peru where I did a 12 day Ayahuasca retreat in January. I don't necessarily want to be a Shaman, I'm just getting more interested in learning how to navigate the dream space so I'm more comfortable in it. There's been some frustration around the fact that I don't have a lot of visions when I journey with medicine. I have also come into a lot of fear. Part of this fear is because I'm being opened up to subtle energies of the spirit world and I don't feel equipped to protect myself against the negative entities because I've never learned how to do this. Most of my Ayahusaca journey's have been a lot of confusion and jumbled messages, quick images, dying into the void of non-existence, and my mind just really messing with me. By exercising my subconscious mind through Shamanic work I can enhance the clarity of my experiences in the dream space. My intention is gain more access to my subconscious and overcome my fear of the spirit world. I'd also like to activate my creativity and current life skills more powerfully and doing Shamanic work is a portal to this activation. 

The woman leading the event was named Lily. She greeted me at the door of her house with a genuine easy going smile. She had a calm energy, was friendly but not overly friendly and was dressed in normal clothes, a yellow skirt and top and a white beaded necklace. She was pretty with a large bodacious bosom and a nice figure for her age. Her eyes were kind, caring yet detached. I'm guessing she's in her early 50's

Upon instruction, I removed my shoes and before entering the room, was purified by Lily herself with an eagle feather and a piece of burning sage. To my delight, there were only 4 of us who showed up for the event. With so few people it was sure to be an intimate affair, one where I would feel more comfortable to share. 

I looked around the room at the seating options and chose a comfy blue bean bag chair leaned up against a wall with pillows for my head. It was next to the window which looked out onto the down sloping landscape of green pastures and a tree line across the field. I watched the sun setting out the window and engaged in some small talk with the others while we waited for any stragglers to show up. 

Around a quarter past 7 we got started. Standing in the middle of the room, we watched from our seats as Lily initiated our session by calling in the 4 directions, South, West, North, East, Mother Earth and Father Sky in that order. The ritual was inviting our animal spirits, ancestors, angels, and all other dimensional beings to the circle who wanted to be there to assist with our healing and expansion. 

After taking her time to properly protect our space, Lily sat down and began to explain a little about what we were going to do. It was an introductory past life regression session and since it was a group session she would be going pretty fast in order that we didn't get stuck or linger somewhere for too long without having her individual help to guide us through. She explained that if we did get stuck, in the sense where we weren't seeing anything or stuck in something uncomfortable, in these instances we could call upon an animal spirit or our higher self to help us get unstuck. By asking around the room, she soon realized we were all amateurs and unsure of who our animal guides were. So we started out with a session to discover who our guide would be.

I've been hypnotized a handful of times and am familiar with the process of going into a different state. I've learned not to expect anything or try to create or control what I see. The key is to relax and allow the process to unfold itself because it's never going to play out the way we expect it to. I really had no agenda other than to experience something new and see what this past life regression thing was all about. Lily emphasized that there really was nothing we needed to do, that we would be given what we needed at the exact time we needed it from Spirit. I trusted what she said and decided to just relax and maybe I would have some visions and if not, that was okay too. 

We sat back and closed our eyes, and she instructed us to do a 7 second Shamanic breath where you inhale for 7 seconds, hold for 7, exhale for 7 and hold for 7. After we were relaxed and comfortable in our seats, she began to lead us in our minds down a stairway, counting the steps down from 10 and as we stepped down we took in the surrounding. At the bottom of the stairway, the path opened up to a beautiful scene of our choice. Mine happened to be Laguna Beach where I used to live, I was on my favorite beach with no other people on it. She had us take in the scene with all of our senses, then pick somewhere to sit down and get comfortable. She has us soak in the sun on our body, and get relaxed where we were. 

We then were instructed to call on our animal spirit. She said to just watch what shows up and if something comes back a few times ask if it is your spirit animal. Nothing clear came to me, I saw a few short glimpses of a hawk and a seagull, but they didn't stay. Then just as Lily was about to end the session and guide us back up the stairs, a bighorn sheep came walking out of the cave behind me. I quickly asked if he would be my guide and if I could call upon him if I got stuck and he said yes. I showed him gratitude and said goodbye and walked back up the stairs and opened my eyes as instructed.
This was a big surprise as I have never had this totem animal show up for me before nor was this animal in my resent awareness. However, after reading about what this animal totem means, it makes a lot of sense that I would have this animal with me now.  

After some discussion, it was settled that we all had our animal guides to call on. Lily then began to guide us in the past life regression journey. 

She grounded us into our bodies and got us comfortable and focused on the 7 second shamanic breath. After a few minutes, she then guided us to envision ourselves walking down a beautiful beach, feeling the sand under our feet and the waves at the shore gently lapping up on our feet as we walked. We were asked to engage our senses to notice any smells, sounds or sights around us. I didn't see much, but I could feel the water and my feet on the sand. 

She was guiding us pretty quickly with constant instructions and there wasn't much time to linger on whether I saw anything or not. My mind didn't have much time to make stuff up, either I saw something or I didn't and if I didn't there was no time to worry about it anyway because she was moving on to the next thing. Then she said to look up and notice that a silhouette was coming towards us.  She said it was someone we had a relationship with in this current life and they were walking towards us.

I looked up and I saw my Dad who died last year in February. We hugged and were both excited to see each other. We just walked down the beach with our arms wrapped around each other enjoying our time together. I felt very comfortable and at peace with him. This wasn't the case when he was alive. We had a confusing relationship in which we had a lot of unmet expectations of each other. Neither of us lived up to who we wanted each other to be. Now that he's moved on, I know he understands me so much better and I feel very close with him. 

She then had us notice a cave and walk into it, which I did. My father didn't come with me but the bighorn sheep was by my side. We walked into the cave and she had us notice a bunch of symbols on the walls of the cave. We were to walk up to one of the symbols and when we touched it we'd be on our way to another life. This came in the form of a worm hole for me. The sheep and I got sucked backwards into this hole and after her count of 5 we landed in our first past life. As Lily guided us to look at our feet and notice what we were wearing, what race and gender we were, I did't see anything, it was black. I felt like I was standing somewhere but I couldn't see anything, no images were coming to me. So I relaxed into the nothing and asked my sheep to remove the blocks to my seeing. As Lily kept going with the guidance she got to a part where she said to go to the first experience with the significant relationship in that life. 

Suddenly I saw myself walking across the street, my bighorn right next to me. I was wearing a beautiful and sexy saloon girl dress and I had long brown wavy hair. I felt very beautiful. I walked into the empty saloon and leaned over the bar to gaze into my lover's eyes. He was the saloon owner. We were madly in love with each other. There was no dialogue, just some sweet gazing. The instructions were happening fast and soon Lily had us going into a 2nd scenario with this person.

Slowly an image came where I was on a bed wearing the same sexy dress, looking at my lover smoking a cigar near the window. He had just struck me in the mouth and we were silent. I wasn't mad or upset, nor was he, in fact there wasn't much emotion to it. I just had the sense that he was an alcoholic and an extremely jealous lover because I was a saloon girl and got attention from other men all day long. But even though he beat me I was still in love with him and wouldn't leave him. 

Then we were instructed to move to another significant scene. My lover and I were in a covered horse carriage and it was raining outside. It felt like he was taking me somewhere to drop me off for a long time but I couldn't tell where. The carriage stopped an I got out and walked around in the town square which was pretty empty because it was night and raining. I didn't get much detail other than this.

Lily then had us fast forward to the scene of our death in that life. I saw myself laying down on the wood deck in front of the saloon after being shot. I got the sense that my lover was the one who shot me. He was an extremely jealous lover and couldn't handle me being desired by others. The feeling I had was still one of deep unconditional love for this man and him for me. 

We were slowly guided out of the trance and as I opened my eyes,  I began to feel sad for what I had just witnessed and what it meant for this life. I was a little surprised that I saw so much and a little overwhelmed.  

I shared my experience with the group as we went around the circle. Lily said that in a one-on-one session she would have had me go further into each scene to help me extract more details from it, find out if there were any unmet needs we could resolve, and to identify what clues it was showing me for this life.  I told her I didn't have much emotion about what I saw even though it was a sad situation. It was more like I was a detached witness to the scene rather than in the saloon woman's body experiencing her. Apparently, we get exactly what we can handle at that moment and I wasn't ready to have the intensity of this situation be fully embodied in me. That explanation made sense to me.

This vision was given to me to learn something from. There are many clues about my current life relationship pattern from this experience. I have never been in a deep long term adult relationship. I am always the one who walks away from my partners and usually end up hurting them. I never get too attached and I always find what's wrong with them and why I should leave them. I've never had my heart broken. Either that or I fall for men who are unavailable because they are married. There's also been this unrealistic idea of what love and relationships are all about although I've become much more realistic in my older age. (Venus square Neptune in my astrology chart). 

Perhaps in this past life love was too painful and I'm still recovering from it in this life? There was an aspect to my relationship with the Saloon owner where I was blinded by love and overlooked a very serious issue of violence in our relationship. I wonder if there's any connection between that man and my father in this lifetime? There's been a lot of rejecting of men in this lifetime by me, including rejecting my Dad. Perhaps there are clues why in the vision I had. I'm not sure the answers to these questions, but I know my subconscious is working on them and some answers will be revealed over time. 

We ended up chatting until 10 pm and I learned a little more about Lily's background. She had come from many years of Shamanic studies from all over the world; Japan, Hawaii and Peru mainly. Her main emphasis was on soul retrieval and clearing attached spirits. I was very impressed with her stories and how she answered questions. I can see her depth and wisdom and felt that she could be my next teacher. I decided to do a one on one session with her next week. I'm excited to go deeper and see what comes up.  I'd like to work on boundaries within relationships, staying in my own power within relationships, finding my voice and getting more comfortable expressing myself in speech.

P.S. Astrologically it's no coincidence this is happening when transiting Uranus (the planet of awakening, individuality, sudden change, liberation) is exactly conjuncting my South Node (past lives) in Aries and exactly opposite my Sun (identity and self expression). Mercury planet of communication is in the 8th house of occult studies, death and transformation. Hence why I'm blogging and sharing about this event.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

I'm Alive - a little Splat from my Ayahuasca Retreat in Peru

I made it back alive! So happy to be out of the jungle. Here's a little splat from my 7 Ayahuasca journeys in Peru at the Temple of the Way of Light.

Calling my experiences intense would be an understatement. In my 2nd ceremony, I was telepathically told by the Maestro’s and Mama Aya that “we are teaching you the language of the heart.” Little did I know that to learn this new language meant I must face my greatest fears.

When they introduced themselves the 5 Shaman which we called Maestro’s and Maestra’s addressed us as “passajeros” which means passengers. Truly we were were all passengers on what was to be an incredibly wild ride.

My mantra for the first few nights was LOVE and SURRENDER, over and over. I was nervous as usual and for good reason. In my 2nd journey, I was brought the edge of life and death. Ayahuasca heightens your sensitivity so every sound, thought and sensation is felt approximately 20x more intensely than usual. My mind desperately tries to keep track of everything going on and stay sane. But there's just too much. So finally it gave up trying to keep track of all the sensory input; the burps, farts, purging and crying going on around me, my own body purging, the insects and birds from the jungle, the Icaros or songs of the maestros, the medicine showed me that everything, all sensations, thoughts, emotions, and stories are a distraction from the Truth; the Truth which is the vast emptiness that lies beyond the body and mind, beyond the story of me. “She” or Mama Aya, lured me to the edge many times, asking me to go beyond the noise of the busy mind which never ceased to chatter in the background. Asking me to trust in the wisdom of the body, that it would take care of itself. And she gently lured me to stop breathing. 

Luckily, someone in the group during our share circle that day spoke of this happening to him for very long periods of time and he always came back alive from it so I was able to relax into the experience a little and allow my breath to stop. And then everything stopped, all sounds and thoughts faded to the background and something else was vying for my attention. In this space which felt like death beyond the body and mind, there still remained a vast, alive and booming consciousness, a knowing presence that was somehow embedded in the emptiness. This space wasn't necessarily loving or inviting, it didn't have many qualities, it just was.

It was terrifying to my ego in fact because there was nothing there for the little me. I was being asked to surrender everything and fall into this void, to trust that there was a power greater than me at the helm of this ship we call life and that I could allow my body and the heart to take the lead. I see how much courage it takes to really surrender and trust in this and I respect the teachers in my life who have gone all the way even more now because I’ve experienced what it takes. The Maestro’s and Maestra’s were telepathically letting me know I was being invited to the “other side” of this surrender where true freedom lies. They were letting me know it was safe to die into the emptiness. They were letting me know I was here to “go first” for my family and friends and that this was one of my gifts.

Over the next few ceremonies I was shown that my mind is still very much an untamed monkey that thinks it’s in charge. I was brought to tears with incredible fear of this emptiness of existence, not to mention my incredible fear of the dark. With the medicine pulsing through my veins nearly the whole 12 days, I was opened to subtle energies I hadn't felt before. The background soundtrack of the jungle with all it’s wild aliveness mixed with the pitch black darkness of the night was too much for my mind to handle and I made up scary stories about what I couldn't see but only hear. The “energies” could be dangerous my mind told me and I didn’t feel strong enough to protect myself.

I have always felt I had spirit guides or angels with me in my life and for some reason have been terrified of actually seeing them. A couple new friends/angels I met at the temple taught me that I could command my space and only allow the benevolent spirits into my space. I practiced this command and it helped a little. This fear is something I will continue to look at and inspect, unfortunately I didn't conquer it and it’s not over yet. It’s a core fear of the unknown, of letting go of control, a fear of living and allowing all the unpredictable and intense energy of life inside my heart. 

During most of the ceremonies I was receiving heart and spine surgery. During all my previous 8 ceremonies back at home, my lower back would writhe back and forth uncontrollably and there would be pain at the base of my spine. People have told me this was Kundalini energy and I'm pretty sure that's what it is. This energy began to move up my spine and during some of my journey's I would suddenly sit up straight and there would be a mysterious "helper" aligning my spine exactly straight. My body would wiggle back and forth just so until it was exactly aligned and then my head would wobble up into alignment until it felt I was so straight and supported there could've been metal rod was through my back. 
Also at one point the energy was going up and down my spine so intensely that my whole body began to move up and down and it felt like maybe one of the Shaman was giving me a massage. It took me a bit to realize this wasn't the case and it was just the energy pulsing through me. The body would sway back and forth and around and around and it was kind of entertaining to watch what it would do next. When the Shaman sat in front of me and sang their Icaros, oh my gosh did my body go crazy. It would start to pulse towards them with my chest leading the way. A few times the body started to sob but no tears were coming out of my eyes. 

My heart is much more open now and this is a bit scary. I understand even more now that if I want enlightenment and to live with an open heart, I must feel things deeply, including this fear.

Another highlight of the trip was connecting with the people there. With no technology or distractions available to the group of 21 people, we had the time and space to really connect with one another. True listening is a rare quality these days and I was fulfilled with gratitude for the time and space to be with these beautiful people who listened without judgment. I felt that we were all valued for where we were at in our journey and we all only wanted the best for one another. Everyone in the group was already so wise and I learned so much from every interaction. It was like one continuous dream where each conversation would bleed into the journey that night, each interaction from the day was a potential lesson for my soul growth. By the end I was overwhelmed with gratitude for everyone there, my fellow passengers, the maestros, the facilitators, the staff, everyone. It helped me realize that I needed to nurture my relationships in my life better and to create community where I lived.