Wednesday, March 30, 2011
After yet another weekend of doing nothing except laying in bed, listening to Adyashanti, eating, walking on the beach and meditating, I woke up this Monday morning thinking "oh good, I have work to do - maybe that will keep me distracted." But the distraction didn't work this time. A depression had been creeping in since the day before. I named it the nothingness. It felt like one of those bluesy days where the weather is kind of weird, there's an eerie stillness in the air, I have no plans and I'm not sure what to do with myself. This time instead of letting it grab me and pull me down into a heavy darkness, I said YES to it. Staring at my computer screen I felt my attention drawn to it in a whole new way. My mind said, "you and me Void, let's go." I left my desk and climbed on my bed for the face off.
As I sat and stared into nothing, the tears came. I felt like I was shedding something. The loss of myself, my innocence, who I thought I was, my goals and ambitions, my family and friends, and the delusion of me thinking that there's something out there other than this moment waiting for me. And then the tears passed, but I continued to sit and stare at it for what seemed like an hour. My eyes saw the leaves blowing in the wind and my ears listened to the birds chirping outside. My mind became still and gradually there was nothing but me and that moment. My mind wasn't trying to figure anything out, plan what I was going to do next, think about the past, make any speeches, label things. It wasn't anything other than what it was. Not beautiful, not ugly, not fun, or boring, not pleasant or unpleasant - it just was. Was this the nothingness that I've been so afraid of?
The idea of truth came up in my human design group last week. Everyone passed around the mic and gave their take on truth. It was ironic because it's something I've been contemplating a lot these days and I thought I would have a lot to say but I think I realized that most of what would come out of my mouth at that moment would be regurgitated Adyashanti and would not even be my own. (Open head and ajna). So I decided to just be quiet. I was present and still, just listening with as little judgment as possible to the others try to speak their own truth in that moment.
For me right now, Human Design is about rising above the ego, some might call it enlightenment but that word has been very distorted. It's about realizing that the mind is just a small part of something much greater that I am. It's about experimenting with it and living it. What I see is that no matter how much I learn about the details of this incredible system, no matter how much time I spend with a teacher or in classes, if I don't live it and prove that it's real for me, then none of the details matter. There are so many people who are talking about this stuff but not really living it. I won't tolerate hypocrites or being hypocritical myself anymore. (44.4)
I've got to find out what happens when the ego is no longer the driver. I want to be in the flow, not worrying about whether or not I'm making the right decision or hurting someones feelings. I want to live my purpose but not care whether that means baking bread or running a company. I believe it's possible and I'm not stopping until I "get there". But getting "there" isn't necessarily that easy and can take a long time. You either have to die or be dying, or really take the time to slow the f*** down and deconstruct yourself. I opted for the 2nd route. The choice was clear to me, it was either slow down and find my truth or keep suffering the disease of my mind while my health deteriorated. It's been about a year of de-conditioning now, and my life is very slow, simple, and quiet. I've transformed into a true (6/2) hermit - up on my roof, going in and out of sitting still mountain (52.2). feel much healthier than ever before.
Being alone and doing a lot nothing has allowed me to face myself without all the distractions of a busy life. There's been something so sacred in spending time with myself. And when I do go out in the world, I see how my awareness has heightened and with each interaction I can see and feel so much more below the surface. Sometimes, when I go out, there's a lesson or a new pointer to focus on and sometimes I'm in the flow and totally present to what is. The idea of time has a whole new meaning in the world I've created for myself.
The truth is I don't know the truth and I want to find it. There's this pull deep inside me to get to the bottom of something. I want to know with all my heart, what is this darkness that has knocked on my door for so long and how do I get rid of it? No matter where I go in the world, no matter what project I pursue or achieve, no matter who I'm with, it's always there, creeping along side me waiting to poke me and prod me. Granted, part of it is my design, I have melancholy which will always be there and it's influenced by the weather of the planets. But that's not a good enough explanation for me. There's something more to it. So I guess you could say I'm pursuing the melancholy - the nothingness. I'm kind of like Atreyu in the Neverending Story, pursuing the nothingness like it's the only thing that matters.