Friday, September 28, 2012

What's this Ache inside my Chest?

I believe you have broken my heart.
The colorless world passes me by,
day by day
no energy to create or engage.

I long for your touch
My world is nothing without you.
What happened to split us apart?
What did I do to deserve this?
My heart is shattered in a million pieces and
All I can do is imagine what it's like to be with you
I can't remember your face anymore yet
I would give my life to be with you again

Lying on the floor, crying out for you
Screaming your name
Arms spread wide
Begging for you to take me back and
Pierce my heart with your LIGHT

This pain shows me how much I long for YOU
how much I love YOU
I've never wanted anything more in my life
than to be with you again
How long must I suffer, Please!
Show me the way back
I'm on my knees, begging you
Animate this human life with your LOVE.

I want to see through you once again
My heart cries out for you - the ONE
Merge back with me
and I will be forever yours.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Gate 53 - Gateway to Ecstasy and Misery

Gate 53 - The Gate of Beginnings

Gina Concotelli impacted me with a great reading the other day. One of the things she told me really hit home. She said that with my gate 53, which is part of my Incarnation Cross of En devour, "I have a deep need to start and expand things and doing so keeps me healthy."

I'm not sure how healthy this pressure has been for me in the past. Starting about 3 years ago when I realized I was in the wrong career surrounded by the wrong people, I frantically set out to find my true purpose and passion in life. Oh my Open G. For some reason, after all my traveling in 2nd and 3rd world countries, I came back with a mantra that I had an obligation to the world to give back in a big way. After being in Taiwain for almost a year, I really came to appreciate what being born in American meant - opportunity. We as Americans truly can think of what we want to do and pursue it, there's no reason not to. My thinking was this, "I was blessed enough to be born in this country, and because of that, I have a responsibility to do something good for the world. Hey if I fail, I can always work at McDonalds. I'm always going to be able to survive." Basically, I put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to initiate and impact the world as quickly and efficiently as possible. After all, I am a Manifestor. It's my job to have an impact.

So with this mantra and a life time of conditioning from the Generator world, I started a lot of new things. I helped start a magazine, doing writing and photography for it, I helped try to start a eco-adventure T.V. show, I tried to create a photography business, tried to start a Green Spin Gym where the bikes produced electricity to power the gym, I worked on an eco-fashion show, I tried to start a production company to create short videos for Green businesses, I started a few blogs, I tried a few MLM's, I networked like no-body's business.

With each en devour, my body and mind raced with adrenaline and the possibilities it could bring to my life if successful. My mind of course was running the show and it was telling me to go for it each time. If I was starting something that I was excited about, I'd wake up invigorated about life in a new way. I'd have so much creative energy I couldn't sleep. My whole being came alive. My depression would go away and I'd feel happy again. Then, after the creative stages of coming up with the idea, I'd get to the hard work part of it. I tried to do it all myself and I'd drink more and more coffee to stay excited and energized about it and put all this pressure on myself to create perfection and be successful right away. I literally burned myself out on almost everything. Geez, no wonder I'm exhausted. My poor adrenal glands have been worked to the core. Inevitably, after the initiation part of the process, my feelings of emptiness would always come back.

Looking back, I see that time as a very frantic, confused and blurry time. Struggling to keep up with the world, struggling to find peace and happiness, pushing myself to limits for my not-self mind. Those last few pursuits were mainly driven by my open Root to hurry up and be free. Especially with the MLM businesses, I'd convince myself that I loved the product and I was good at sales and if I just put in 3-5 hard years selling this shit, I'd be free to do what I want. And of course my open mind and ajna were being influenced by the people at the top who were broadcasting this ludicrous way of thinking. I admit, I was their biggest sucker! Like everything else, my excitement for them slowly faded away and I'd feel more and more tired and repulsed by the thought of making them happen.

I gained much experience and skills from each pursuit but ultimately I depleted my life force by entering into things incorrectly and not knowing that I had to delegate in order to finish things. That's why I sit here, pursuing nothing. John Martin gave me some good advice. He said, "Trista, the best thing you can do right now is to stop." And I have. I've stopped saying yes. I've cocooned myself up. For 2 reasons; A. I'm exhausted and can't do it anymore and B. I'm terrified to start anything new because I'm afraid I won't be able to finish it. I don't want anyone depending on me to finish something, especially myself.

I'm so thankful for Human Design and my teachers because it has offered me a new way of being. I've finally let myself be the lazy "horse out to pasture" as Ra says Manifestor's are. As I listed to my reading from John over and over, his words have begun to sink in on many levels, "just because you can initiate doesn't mean you have to!" AMEN!

After a few months of slowing down and simplifying, I've detoxed from the Generator energy of the world, I've begun to feel my impact by just being who I am, and I've realized the importance and power of informing people about what I'm doing. I now realize that in order to have a successful business, I need to enter it correctly and I need to enlist the help of a few Generators who can help me get through the hard work when I don't have the energy for it. I also will find a person with Gate 42 (opposite of my Gate 53) or Gate 16 (opposite of my Gate 48) who has the skills and the pressure in their design to finish things. Most importantly, I need to live in the moment and not worry so much about the end results. I'm completely intuitive which means I have no friggin idea what I'm going to want to do until the moment of decision comes.

I won't be starting anything soon however, until I hear it from my authority. Now, if I could just figure out what my Spleen feels like, I'd be good to go.