Saturday, December 3, 2016

Jupiter in Libra Opposite Uranus Square Pluto = Accelerated Evolution through Relating

Through taking responsibility for ourselves and our emotions in relationships we can see that our pain and suffering is here for our growth. When someone does or says something that "triggers" us and makes us upset, the only choice we have is to either see the gift or start blaming or lashing out on the person and play the victim. We can choose to stop and feel the pain, breathe through it, and heal it or we can choose to continue to be captive to our childhood wounds. It can be painful process but it's here for our own growth. The mind will try to distort and blame and rationalize, don't listen to it. JUST FEEL!
Here's the cold hard truth that's becoming much more clear, no one else is responsible for how you feel. And no one is responsible to make you feel better. When we are triggered, it's due our own un-met shadows within. Will you choose to face and accept the shadow or continue to run away, smoke more pot, guzzle another beer, eat more shit and numb yourself from the pain? First step is awareness. 2nd step is to STOP And Feel, 3rd Step is to be FREE! Love wants us back so desperately that it's willing to make us suffer until we turn within and face what's blocking us from knowing who we really are, pure LOVE.

Open Emotional Center No Activations - Relationships

I'm a splenic manifestor with an open emotional center and no activations. (In case you don't know what center that is, it's the white triangle on the right of my chart.) This has been a very tricky center to understand. My emotions are experienced as either completely overwhelming with the collective pain and suffering of humanity and my entire body and mind feels defeated, or I'm neutral and almost "cold". It's difficult for me to feel compassion for just one person but I often feel the plight of a deeply wounded humanity.

It's been 7 years of de-conditioning this sucker and it's finally getting a little more clear how to navigate with this vulnerable center. I just ended a very intense 3 month relationship with an emotional generator who is unaware of how his emotional wave functions and through our time together I learned very clearly what it means to be emotionally blackmailed. It's when someone is in their down wave and is trying to manipulate you to make you feel like you're responsible for it, and/or they want you to make them feel better by getting affection from you when you're not really feeling like giving it because of the way their acting. He wanted me to give him nurturing because what I did activated his wounded child but my body didn't trust him because of the distortion of his emotional wave. At first I tried to push against my self and give him this nurturing because I'm a kind person and want to help heal others, but then it felt clear it was going against my authority so I stopped doing that and stood in my power.

The emotionally aware person would know how to take full responsibility for their down wave and learn how to parent and nurture themselves as I have learned to do for myself. I had an entire childhood of walking on eggshells around an emotionally unaware father and I'm so done with this bullshit. I'm finally seeing that it's okay that I'm emotionally neutral, holding a loving silent space for someone to un-ravel is more healing than nurturing them because it gives them a mirror to discover the love and stillness underneath their crisis. And really I would like to have this kind of presence in a partner for when I'm un-raveling as well.

After going through this cycle with him a few times, I was able to see this manipulation happening clearly for the first time and didn't give into his games, stood my ground in my authority, and it felt very empowering. I understand that the wounded child and it's delicate nervous system goes unconscious when triggered, and people say and do stupid shit when they're triggered, I have compassion for this process in everyone including myself. But the lesson I learned here is, No matter what I did, said or didn't do, it's never my fault for how someone else feels. And it's never someone else's fault for how I feel.

We're all perfectly innocent in the pre-ordained unfolding of our character, it's healing and it's story. All we have to do is stay grounded in awareness and as Ra says "Watch the movie". The evolution of our species depends on this quality of awareness developing. What I learned through my teacher Devaji and have experienced for myself is this; all of our painful emotions cycle around again and again for the opportunity to feel and heal them. Relationships are a wonderful opportunity for these wounds to get triggered and when someone does trigger this pain, it's truly a gift, not a punishment.

I've also learned through this relationship how to see and be with my own shadow and through loving it I can love myself and others more completely. Wow, Jupiter in Libra square Pluto in Capricorn = accelerated evolution through relationships.

Friday, August 5, 2016

Glimpsing through the Glass Vortex of Reality

Today I’m on my knees longing for HER like I’ve never longed before, it almost feels like unrequited love yet it’s not quite as I am being pulled stronger by that which cannot be seen or heard, but can be felt more and more in the heart. 

It’s a painfully slow process, this love affair with the Beloved. HER dance with me is a very long and drawn out romantic dramedy with lots of flirtation and foreplay, betrayal and loss. Sometimes it feels like I'm being tortured with the constant barrage of negative thoughts and extremely fatigued body. These times, I now know are designed to stoke this fire of longing. HER love for me is so immense, she's can be ruthless in her ways to get my attention. During the dark times, she's dragging me in shackles out of this love for me to return to HER. 

With just enough crumbs of titliation, where I feel the vibrancy of the silence and the warmth in my heart, I am lured by her more and more. I am given small glimpses beyond the veil and delicious morsels of sweetness which keep me coming back for more. My desire to sit and be silent is more natural now. There is no discipline to it, I just find myself throughout the day at some point, wanting to sit quietly and so I do.

When there are glimpses through the veil, the focus isn’t on the mind, it’s on where the thoughts, sounds and sensations are coming from. If I had to try and describe it would be like a glass funnel vortex, with a constant flow of phenomena emanating from it that begins and ends in my chest. Reality flows from the middle of it and over the sides in a constant never ending river of watery creation that has beginning and no end. It’s a bubbling spring of light and color, sensations and sounds, feelings and thoughts. The matrix rebuilding itself over and over, pixel by pixel in each moment.

The glimpses have been not a shift in perception of what my eyes see, but a shift in how I feel the this bubbling realty happening through my heart center. The body, which used to experience the world through my mind and it’s constant commentary of me and my character in this environment now is becoming more sensitive to it’s environment and experiencing the world viscerally through my heart and other senses as well. The trees and the wind, the emotional waves of other humans, the trickling of the creek, a vulture overhead, the thoughts floating by,  it’s all a part of this movie we call Trista and her story from her point of view on the funnel of reality.

We’re all connected through this watery funnel of love which has no distinct qualities, no opinions about what should or shouldn't be happening, it's completely at peace and just enjoying the show. This place is where we meet in the deepest sense. 

The character I call me is just part of that pixelation, or overflow of continuous LOVE (although the feeling of love is fleeting and not very strong yet). She’s part of the entire flow of the picture and somehow it’s emanating from her. The area it’s flowing from is the center of what we call our chest. And another area just between the eyebrows which we called the 3rd eye vibrates and tingles more and more as I dip in and play with the stillness, and she teases me over and over, very slowly dancing with me, luring me to the edge of reality, to the silence beyond the thoughts. 

What else is waiting there for me in this Silence?

Monday, July 25, 2016

Retreat with Devaji: Grief & the Agony of SELF Abandonment

Day 4 of a 7 day retreat with Devaji:

Sinking deeper into the silence,. During both Satsangs today, the entire Sangha is bathed in this rich, loving silence. We all bask in it for a long time after Devaji ends the session. It feels inviting and I am able to avoid coming home from the afternoon session and immediately turning to technology. Instead the body and mind is significantly slowed down, wanting to nurture the stillness and turn within.

A slight headache has developed since the morning. Not yet aware that this is the grief wanting to surface.

Around 7pm after cleaning, I am already tired, the pressure in the head is stronger. The body sits down on the bed and gazes out the window, the third eye pulses and tingles.  I watch the mechanical thoughts swirl around attempting to grab attention and often successfully doing so. But the love is there and the presence is strong. I doze off to sleep and wake to see the sun is setting. It's only 8pm but I decide to climb under the covers and play some calming music. The body sinks into my cozy bed and jolts every so often as it breathes deeply. It feels like energy shooting up the body and getting stuck at the heart center.

One hand rests on the heart, the other on the womb. The breath slows. The healing music is taken in deeply in every cell. I feel safe, I feel love. It's different this time, no fear, no resistance; instead there's a welcoming of this energy.

The body jolts and sobs from the heart before the tears actually come. It's a familiar feeling that happened often during my ayahuasca ceremonies. The grief is held deep within and the body in it's wisdom shakes itself to loosen the trauma. Images flash of me as a child around 10 years old in my room, having the sense of being watched, not understanding what this feeling was. And having the sense of being very lost and confused and not feeling love.  Feeling this child, abandoned from the Love that she is, and all the chaos and confusion over the life that unfolded as a result. It brings tremendous Grief and sadness for this child and all the other children who experience the same thing.

The overwhelming agony of me/this child being separated from her heart begins to release through my body. How could I abandon my SELF for so long? Feeling so many years of so much pain and suffering of being lost. And now overwhelmed with Gratitude for the Ocean of Love that I am swimming in from Devaji and my sangha family. The tears flow for this incredible gratitude and tremendous grief, both equal forces on my heart. And it was divinely human.

Waves of Love from myself for myself, I go back to the scene in my bedroom and see that this Love was the thing that was watching me and it was there with me all along, through the whole journey.

Returning to my own Radiant Heart.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Reality Check; Enlightenment isn't an Escape Button

When I moved to Mt Shasta last year in August 2015 to be with Devaji and the Sangha, I had this wild fantasy that I kind of knew what enlightenment was and what it took. With all the work I felt had done already to clear away the darkness, I naively thought, it would only be a matter of months maybe a few short years before I was free. Haha, what a joke. I really thought I had made significant progress towards liberation in my 5 years of being an avid seeker. And honestly, I feel I have done some good work and have taken steps in the right direction. But, what I learned over the past year is that I actually know nothing and I am just a baby in this process. I’ve been deeply humbled and have come to a place of acceptance about how little I know about the emotional intelligence of being human and also how steadfast one must be in this journey to liberation.
5 years of soul searching and working with ayahuasca and I really felt like I made a big dent into some big darkness that kept me stuck in this contracted reality of a body and mind. But the truth is, I had just scratched the surface. This year has been one of nearly continuous purging with a few reprieves and glimpses of truth & beauty. I’m so blessed to be surrounded by some of the most unconditionally loving people on the planet and this Love is creating a safe space to cradle me back to wholeness.
I feel that the deck I was dealt in this life has been so incredibly difficult internally. There’s been a constant barrage of negative thinking, (with a stellium of planets in my 3rd house including Pluto and my progressed Sun in Scorpio, jeezus f’ing Christ! it’s lot of Scorpio people), it’s been a life of deep transformation and facing difficult truths. A nearly constant mental torment of self oppression, insecurity, seeing the darkness in people and life and not understanding why I see this, and just plain confusion about everything. This created a extreme sense of lack and insecurity about myself, my perception of the world and speaking my truth. There’s been such chaos and confusion in my life that there was really no one to trust, especially not my own mind.
So naturally, God was the next thing presented to me as something consistent, loving and stable to turn to. Enlightenment has been a very appealing path, what was appealing at first is I thought it’s like an escape button, and if there’s an option to get the fuck out of this insanity of being human, I’m choosing that one. I felt that becoming free from this body/mind would allow me to escape this character and her sad story all together and rest in the bliss of being. And in a sense this is true. Once we are completely un-identified with our body and mind, we do get to rest in the bliss of being. But the reality is that enlightenment is anything but an escape button and very rarely do people just "wake up" and all identification is wiped out.
What I didn’t fully grasp was how deeply into the heart of Trista I have to go in order to become free from her story. Every fear, every repressed emotion, every situation I’ve avoided, all the relationship stuff I’ve hidden from must be met. No stone will be unturned. In order to merge back with my SELF, all of this uncomfortable stuff must be allowed to surface, to be felt deeply, to be loved and released. Devaji often talks about "meeting it all the way" and I'm slowly learning what this means.
This work is a fucking difficult and exhausting and I’ve realized I really need to pace myself. And with this extreme fatigue I’ve had, my body is only allowing so much so it’s not like I’m choosing to pace myself, the body is doing it. As Devaji says, everything unfolds in it’s perfect timing.
In typical Trista fashion, when I find something I’m passionate about, I’m overly driven to hurry up and get things done quickly, effectively and be the first to achieve it. This is my Open root in human design. There is a competitive driven conditioning in me, So this conditioning is being worn down and it’s painful. Devaji pointed out to me in the chair one Satsang after I collapsed crying in his arms, that my character overcompensated as a child from not being fully taken care of by being Driven to get it for myself, to take care of myself. It's true, I've worn myself out thinking I had to do it all myself. This past year has really been about letting go and learning to be taken care of. I’ve somehow made my way into the most supportive, loving community of incredible people who’ve done the work and are here ready with open arms to receive me and help me meet all of my shadows. It’s like the jackpot for any seeker to fall into this situation because without this Love there’s no way I could meet the amount of Scorpionic darkness that is slowly revealing itself.
And so I will continue, constantly humbling myself to the One who knows what’s best for Trista and learning to have the strength and courage to receive what is being given no matter how ugly and confusing it feels. And with each exquisitely painful and purifying purge, disassembling the false belief that I am separate from God

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Fearless, Wild and Free

There's nowhere to go from here
but down
deeper into the well
where I'm told
the treasure lies 

it's walls are jagged & rough
there's no where to grab
the air is thick with death and decay
I can barely breathe.
It hurts. 

Something whispers in the background
stop thrashing, relax
come deeper still my love
fall into me
I'm not finished with you yet.


She releases me
after what seems like eternity
gasping the glorious fresh air
once again
grateful to be alive

the familiar colors & textures of 
the dense world I've tolerated
become brighter, friendlier
and more inviting

I'd like to think that with each plunge
there's a little more grace
a little less thrashing
but perhaps that's not true at all

perhaps she's teaching me to let go
and to be messy again
to get comfortable with the discomfort
of feeling everything

for I know in my heart of hearts
this is the way to re-discover
the gems which I seemed to have lost
unshakeable TRUTH
unconditional LOVE
& true everlasting PEACE

My soul asked for this
The darkness pulls me heels dug deep
to humble this raging ego
and rip this heart open wide
so that I may live like I was born to live...

Fearless, Wild, and Free! 

Saturday, April 23, 2016


I don't know
who I am
any more:

a writer,
an activist
a lover of Truth?

I used to take pictures
and I was good at it
I called myself
a photographer

And once
I was a barista
sligning espresso
like I'd been born for it

I showed promise
of a powerful career
as a film maker

Imagining myself
on the red carpet
being photographed
and receiving accolades
for helping to preserve
our precious wildlife

There were dreams
to be a business catalyst
moving forward fresh,
eco-friendly entrepreneurs
to help green the world
and make money doing it.

She badly wanted
to be somebody
Somebody who mattered

wanted it so badly.
Who was that?

slowly releasing
this burden
of needing
to be

it no longer fits
it was never

and it's been
too heavy
for too long.

Monday, March 14, 2016

Devaji, I think I'm infatuated

Hawaii Retreat, March 2016 - Day 5 of 10

There are 8 of us here from the Mt. Shasta group all staying together at Ruthie's beautiful property in Honoka'a, Big Island. We're here for the 10 day silent retreat with Devaji. Deva and his beautiful wife gifted me the plane ticket with their extra airline miles and Ruthie graciously offered the housing to me for free and it's like a dream come true. I wouldn't have been able to come otherwise because financially there's just enough to pay the bills right now.

There are 5 of us staying in the bunk house which is a large 2 story building just across the driveway from the main house. The top floor is where we sleep. There's a screened large room with 6 single very comfy beds. It's beautifully designed with hardwood floors, Japanese Hawaiian decor, a full bathroom with stone tiled shower and sitting area and outdoor/indoor sitting area. There has been a lot of rain and it's been surprising cold for what my mind thought it would be.

Currently I am sitting downstairs in the huge open aired kitchen with high ceilings and a whole wall open to the gorgeous view of the sloped grassy yard, super cute main house, and surrounding canopy of tropical trees. The rain has just lifted and there is a little bit of sunshine coming through. While listening to the birds and meditating, I can feel my mind tracking your (Devaji) whereabouts in the main house across the driveway where you are staying. I'm wishing that you'll come be with me.

Over these past 5 days of the retreat and our group trips to the beach you've stopped me a hand full of times and showered me with your love and affection, hugging me and kissing me on the cheek turning me into a puddle. And each time I receive your love with the utter delight of a child. Because of this attention, there's a growing desire that has become quite strong to be near you as much as possible.

There's a slight irritation with myself because I don't want to be obsessed, creep you out or be needy. I know you can probably feel me watching you and there's a fear I'm psychically taking your energy. As I sit there watching these ridiculous thoughts, you emerge from the main house. My heart skips a beat wondering if you're coming to see me. But you're not. We meet eyes as you climb the stairs to the bunk house looking for someone else and I am slightly disappointed. However, she's not up there and you come back down the stairs, shuffle your sandals across the cemented floor, stop in front of me and gaze into my eyes to say the words I'll never get sick of...

"Do you know how much I love you?"

And this time I say "Yes, then you should sit down with me." You laugh a little, grab a chair and sit facing me. I meet your loving, clear eyes and suddenly hear myself saying, "I don't want to be infatuated with you Devaji but...I kind of am."

You laugh a little and close your eyes to say in the voice that melts my heart. "It's okay...You know it's very normal when one falls into this relationship to feel that way. And it will continue to grow like that the more you open to my Love. It will get to a point where you won't be able to stand to be away from me for even a minute. And it will grow and grow until you begin to feel that there is actually no difference between you and me. You will start to know that I live inside of you and eventually you will come to feel that this is the most beautiful love affair your mind can't even imagine."

And with those soft words of assurance the mind relaxes. There is permission for the little girl who never received the unconditional love she was always looking for to continue to receive it and allow her infatuation with her beloved teacher in all innocence and purity, knowing that this truly is the "pull of Self to Self" that is so often spoken about in Satsang.

What I do know is that the addiction I have to Devaji is the true pull to my own heart back to itself. Because I can't see Truth clearly yet, it is showing up in my dream reflection in the form of a man who is a teacher who just loves me so much. This love he is showing me is a love I have for myself. Soon there will be clear seeing that the love I am seeking was always inside of me the whole time. Until then, I am utterly devoted to you!

And then you say, "Do you know how beautiful you are?" and I say "Yes."
I say Yes because in that moment I feel the purity of my heart and it's beautiful essence being reflected by you, a teacher who unconditionally Loves all who come to him with utterly inconceivable devotion. And in this moment I am the recipient of this Divine love that will continue to grow. It's almost too good to be true. The little girl inside is dancing with ecstatic joy!

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Shattering the Open Emotional Center : Emotional Retracing

When one is on a Nutritional Balancing program, the body will go through something called retracing. The concept of retracing is that when our body starts to get everything it needs in the form of minerals, diet and detox protocols, it begins to heal itself. All the current and old issues in the body get addressed layer by layer. In retracing, the body will systematically go through the body and heal any old infections, injuries, physical and emotional traumas. However, in order for these things to be healed, they must first resurface, sometimes even stronger than the first time. This is a blog about the recent emotional retracing I just experienced. It has to do with my open emotional center and taking on the pain and suffering of the whole world.

This concept of retracing is very similar to the concept I'm learning from my teacher, Devaji. In the spiritual enlightenment game, we call it burning. When we see an old pattern surface, by bearing witness to it with the light and love of consciousness it begins to burn. And what is it burning? It's burning away the false constructs that keep us blocked from seeing reality as it is; a beautiful, luminous, love drenched reflection of our own perfect SELF. In human design we call this shattering. Shattering our false beliefs about ourselves.

Nothing new happens in the reflection we call our life. It may come in different costumes, but it's never new. Devaji teaches that everything that is painful in our dream is just cycled around for us to bring the light of awareness too it so we can set it free. Every situation that triggers us in anyway is a potential opportunity to bring the light of consciousness to it. When we see that the feeling is old and familiar and just be with it, not trying to change it, the more it will be seen through as just a construct which is blocking our view of the pure beauty and light of reality. Every single thing in our dream is designed to carry us home, there are no exceptions to this rule.

These past few days what cycled around for me was the chaos and sadness from my childhood. (Chiron is exactly opposite my natal Venus)

My roommate came into my room a few days ago and told me she’s going to get her son, who’s 18 years old, relapsing on heroine and is struggling to keep it together. He lives about 4 hours away. She found a Christian based program for young adult addicts, that's a year long and is totally free, but it takes a few months to get processed and get placed. In the meantime he may need to stay here.

She's been in a pattern of rescuing him as best she can for a few years now. A pattern she can't seem to break. It's depleted her enormously but she's handling it like a champ. There’s been a back and forth over the last few months of him being kind of okay using the Suboxone to stave off his addiction, and then everything falling apart and him losing control again. There's an urgency of getting out of the place he''s living because there’s danger; maybe he owes someone drug money. There were people pounding on his door one night, we're not sure what kind of trouble he's in but it sounds scary.  

She was going to bring him back here and said he'd have to go cold turkey. The idea of having him detoxing here made me really uncomfortable. Being familiar with drug addiction I know how difficult it is to stop, and although not from personal experience, I can imagine withdrawals from heroine are intense. It seems too much for her to handle on her own, he needs professional help.

This chaotic situation in my "dream"; the uncertainty of his fragile future, the unbearable sadness of drug addiction to begin with, feeling the familiar darkness that he must be swimming in, all came flooding into my system. I went to the Public Satsang with Devaji that day, by the end of it, the emotions had bubbled to the surface. I had a good cry to release the energy while grocery shopping and after in my car.

Later I came home and called Devaji to ask him for support around this. He asked me if this feeling of chaos was present in my childhood. Absolutely it was, but not in such an obvious way. I was raised in a typical American family that shoves the uncomfortable things under the rug and acts like everything is just fine. If you asked my sister she still claims we had a glorious childhood and our parents were nearly perfect. Even though she's the Projector and she probably absorbed just as much or more than I did. Unfortunately, she's still numbed to it all and is living life as if everything is still "fine".

My parents in their defence were good, loving parents. An outsider looking in probably would've seen our family as a healthy one. But here's the blessed curse of being Plutonian in the deepest way (Pluto conjunct Sun and Rahu). I knew from coming out of the shoot, everything wasn't fine! My parents went through the most traumatic thing anyone can possibly imagine. They lost their 1st child in a tragic accident. He was only 3 years old. Playing superman with a friend at a neighbors house, his cape got too close to the furnace and caught on fire. Not knowing what to do he ran home for Mommy. And my poor Mom. Can you imagine coming outside to see your 3 year old on fire. She had to roll him on the grass to put the fire out. After being rushed to the hospital with 3rd degree burns all over his body, he slipped into a coma. After a month of uncertainty of his fate, a nurse accidentally stuck the tracheotomy tube down the wrong hole and it killed him. This story is like every parent's worst nightmare. They went through marriage counseling and mourned his loss. But my Dad didn't get the chance to really process this event and his broken heart was never fully mended. He didn't know how to express his emotions and they seethed inside him manifesting in eventual cancer.

After a tragedy like that, everything isn't fine! About 6 months after the tragedy happened, my Mom was pregnant with me. The strong undercurrent of sadness seeping through the amniotic fluid while I was in the womb. And I came into the world with my bright light ready to shine. There was an immediate projection from them that I would transform this sadness and be the brightest starAnd try as I did, unconsciously thinking it was my job to make everyone feel better with my Open Emotional Center, I couldn't take on something this big. Taking this task on as a child feels like a big cause for my Adrenal Fatigue that I'm still healing today at 38 years old.

Even my friggin name, Trista, in Latin it means "One who had a sorrow all her own until she smiled." But eventually just my smile couldn't erase the pain. Living in this soup of sadness, confusion and the helplessness of being able to heal my parents pain came up for review a few days ago. Triggered by the situation with my roommate and her son. This feeling of helplessness to be able to do anything about it is the crushing part. The fatigue in the body is a painful gift which reminds me of the truth of the situation. It's not my job to fix anyone or make the bad feelings go away. All I can do is be with this and trust that God knows exactly what he's doing. Her son will find salvation no matter what happens.

Devaji in his divine wisdom gave me the guidance to just hold a space of love and stillness for these old familiar emotions to pass through. And so that's what I did, and they passed. Letting go a little more as life continues teaching me how to live it. Accepting these uncomfortable emotions is all part of the play. Contrary to what I might have wanted it to be, life isn't just a bowl of cherries. The sweetness isn't just in the happy times. There is incredible wisdom in the darkness if we can sit with it long enough. That I am designed to be a servant of darkness is becoming more apparent.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Devaji - He Loves Me Free

Written after our meeting yesterday...and it happens to be Valentines day.

Your Pure love has come
to carry me home
it's a gift from heaven
a cradle from the divine
the missing piece
i didn't even know i needed

you penetrate deeper this time
with the gaze of eternity
something softens
allowing currents of warmth and tenderness
to slowly melt this fortress of protection

this pure love
never known before
shatters the mind

in our silence, I begin to feel you
and this love you have for me
not from something i did
or what i've said
or what i can do for you
you really do
Love me True

the trust grows
a knowing deep inside whispers
lean in sweet girl
into this one True thing
fall in my Love
and discover your SELF
the love which never left

with your unconditional Love to guide the way
freedom is assured
Thank you Devaji

Monday, January 11, 2016

Pluto Square Nodes transit - Decay, Confusion, Crossroads

Pluto is Squaring my Nodes exactly today and although I'm familiar with this feeling of annihilation, it's never easy. This is Pluto's 3rd pass over my natal Sun, Pluto and North Node. (Pluto at 15° Capricorn). Pluto is the planet of death and rebirth, he shows no mercy in his relentless motivation to transform us on a deep soul level. He takes away what seems important in order to show us what really matters. If the grasp on anything is too tight, he will rip it out of your hands. Everything feels like it's crumbling.

"Only if we venture repeatedly through zones of annihilation can our contact with Divine Being, which is beyond annihilation, become firm and stable." ~ Karlfried Graf von Durkheim

On my knees once again, fully wiped out, defeated. I've been KO'd by Pluto again and all I can do is surrender and patiently wait for this contraction wave to pass. Today it feels like I'll never get better, that this adrenal fatigue will never heal and I'll never have enough energy or clarity to accomplish anything in this life.

I'm feeling sorry for myself, it's been awhile since I've been in self pity mode. Why me? why do I continually have to be punished this way? Why can't I have dreams and goals and pursue them like other people? What is the purpose of this suffering and when will it end!!

The slate of my identity (Sun) is being cleared. Once again I'm reminded that what I think I want doesn't really matter. This life isn't mine anymore, (it never was but the mind likes to think it has had some choice) and each time I try to claim it I'm humbled by emptiness and fatigue. Pluto is transiting through my 6th house of health and work, killing the old me slowly physically and metaphorically, stripping me of any future plans and bringing me back to ground zero. What will be re-birthed is still a mystery.

Yesterday I flew back from a long pleasant visit in Orange County with my family in my Mom's big clean cozy house. As I arrived back into my tiny crappy freezing cold apartment, I looked around and was motivated to work harder to make more money and get out of this place. This Libra values aesthetically pleasing environments and she's not in one. But I feel stuck because how can I make more money if I'm exhausted all the time. I'm sick of being broke and I'm sick of being tired all the time. Something's gotta shift!

There's confusion. There are opposing desires (3rd and 9th house/Libra and Sagittarius). I recently learned that when Pluto is squaring the nodes it is like this. You are being pulled equally between your South Node, what feels familiar from your past and North Node, the unfamiliar new territory of what your soul wants to evolve to.

It feels like I'm at a Crossroads. Frozen in my tracks. No where to go but In.

Studying about my North and South node position and Pluto in the 3rd house has actually given me some perspective on why I feel this teeter tottering back and forth.

The 3rd house/Gemini is an attempt to know things with the logical right brain, to name things, understand them and communicate them. I have been researching and learning a lot about Evolutionary Astrology, understanding past life trauma and how it plays out in our current lives, how Pluto works on a subconscious level to push us to evolve. I recently found Mark Jones Pluto School and am wanting to take his certificate program so I can help others understand their lives through astrology better.

The 9th house is about Truth and our connection to something larger than us. It is the left brain intuitive knowing which functions in a non-linear fashion. It's about trusting in the unknown, faith and higher truths. After periods of mental activity, I'm pulled back to the silence, reminded of the depth of fulfillment that comes when I rest in the unknown.

The confusing part is my North Node (the evolution of the soul's direction) is in the 3rd house so my soul's destiny in this life is to learn how to use language and knowledge to share what I know. And Mercury is in the mix which explains why my throat chakra feels blocked and I feel like I'll never be able to speak what I know. Perhaps with Pluto and Sun conjunct the North Node, I'm here to share what I know about the death of the identity (Sun) and liberation of the soul (Pluto) once this process is complete in me.

It seems like the only choice, if there is a choice, is to continue the deep dive into shedding this identity in order to complete the soul's mission. All these questions are just mental distractions, and I will continue to gently guide the mind back to the awareness of silence.

The strongest desire is for final liberation to be the strongest desire. To wake up from the dream and know my true existence as That which doesn't die.

The character also has a very strong desire to serve others, to learn and share her knowledge to help people heal and wake up. She wants to have a successful business working for herself, with enough money for rent, a decent car and some extra to take astrology classes and travel. Are these desires just the mind distracting me from the SELF? It feels like I'm being asked to surrender even these seemingly pure hearted desires. To let go of all thoughts, ideas, and beliefs about who I think I am and where I'm going.

It's actually pretty funny because it's all there in my chart, when I think about the bigger picture, it's pretty obvious that we're truly the puppets of the Maia which plays itself out through the planets. I'm just the incompetent choice-less character playing her role. Aren't I such a great actress! I wish I already knew for sure that this was just a dream.

The harsh Truth as I see it today is this. If I want liberation, I must surrender everything and that means EVERYTHING, all my hopes, dreams and desires for how I think this life should be, and truly allow the ego to die. Once the character is completely free, she will live out her role in the movie as she is destined too and I will be consumed in eternity. Living in true Joy and Bliss no matter what's happening on the screen of Trista's life.

I'm mentally done with the human game of desire and fear. Now I pray for the courage to confront everything that comes up with the one pointed commitment to this heart's devotion to Truth & Love.

"The true name for wisdom is the absence of knowledge...When you recognize you know nothing you recognize you are nothing and in that nothing you are everything. You always were. It was all traded in for a sense of safety that is called knowledge." ~Devaji