Hawaii Retreat, March 2016 - Day 5 of 10
There are 8 of us here from the Mt. Shasta group all staying together at Ruthie's beautiful property in Honoka'a, Big Island. We're here for the 10 day silent retreat with Devaji. Deva and his beautiful wife gifted me the plane ticket with their extra airline miles and Ruthie graciously offered the housing to me for free and it's like a dream come true. I wouldn't have been able to come otherwise because financially there's just enough to pay the bills right now.
There are 5 of us staying in the bunk house which is a large 2 story building just across the driveway from the main house. The top floor is where we sleep. There's a screened large room with 6 single very comfy beds. It's beautifully designed with hardwood floors, Japanese Hawaiian decor, a full bathroom with stone tiled shower and sitting area and outdoor/indoor sitting area. There has been a lot of rain and it's been surprising cold for what my mind thought it would be.
Currently I am sitting downstairs in the huge open aired kitchen with high ceilings and a whole wall open to the gorgeous view of the sloped grassy yard, super cute main house, and surrounding canopy of tropical trees. The rain has just lifted and there is a little bit of sunshine coming through. While listening to the birds and meditating, I can feel my mind tracking your (Devaji) whereabouts in the main house across the driveway where you are staying. I'm wishing that you'll come be with me.
Over these past 5 days of the retreat and our group trips to the beach you've stopped me a hand full of times and showered me with your love and affection, hugging me and kissing me on the cheek turning me into a puddle. And each time I receive your love with the utter delight of a child. Because of this attention, there's a growing desire that has become quite strong to be near you as much as possible.
There's a slight irritation with myself because I don't want to be obsessed, creep you out or be needy. I know you can probably feel me watching you and there's a fear I'm psychically taking your energy. As I sit there watching these ridiculous thoughts, you emerge from the main house. My heart skips a beat wondering if you're coming to see me. But you're not. We meet eyes as you climb the stairs to the bunk house looking for someone else and I am slightly disappointed. However, she's not up there and you come back down the stairs, shuffle your sandals across the cemented floor, stop in front of me and gaze into my eyes to say the words I'll never get sick of...
"Do you know how much I love you?"
And this time I say "Yes, then you should sit down with me." You laugh a little, grab a chair and sit facing me. I meet your loving, clear eyes and suddenly hear myself saying, "I don't want to be infatuated with you Devaji but...I kind of am."
You laugh a little and close your eyes to say in the voice that melts my heart. "It's okay...You know it's very normal when one falls into this relationship to feel that way. And it will continue to grow like that the more you open to my Love. It will get to a point where you won't be able to stand to be away from me for even a minute. And it will grow and grow until you begin to feel that there is actually no difference between you and me. You will start to know that I live inside of you and eventually you will come to feel that this is the most beautiful love affair your mind can't even imagine."
And with those soft words of assurance the mind relaxes. There is permission for the little girl who never received the unconditional love she was always looking for to continue to receive it and allow her infatuation with her beloved teacher in all innocence and purity, knowing that this truly is the "pull of Self to Self" that is so often spoken about in Satsang.
What I do know is that the addiction I have to Devaji is the true pull to my own heart back to itself. Because I can't see Truth clearly yet, it is showing up in my dream reflection in the form of a man who is a teacher who just loves me so much. This love he is showing me is a love I have for myself. Soon there will be clear seeing that the love I am seeking was always inside of me the whole time. Until then, I am utterly devoted to you!
And then you say, "Do you know how beautiful you are?" and I say "Yes."
I say Yes because in that moment I feel the purity of my heart and it's beautiful essence being reflected by you, a teacher who unconditionally Loves all who come to him with utterly inconceivable devotion. And in this moment I am the recipient of this Divine love that will continue to grow. It's almost too good to be true. The little girl inside is dancing with ecstatic joy!