Saturday, June 19, 2010

Who's the Zombie? Me or them?

Does it mean I'm making progress if I'm pissing people off?

It's a somewhat critical weekend for me being that it's fathers day and the majority of society including my family deems it necessary to celebrate and acknowledge this holiday. My family gets together and does something for every single holiday and of course I'm not feeling like I really want to go, not exactly sure how I'll feel tomorrow, but pretty sure I'm not going to want to go. This is my perfect opportunity to not let my open emotional center and the emotional blackmail of my family run my life. I could just say no. Or the proper Manifestor thing to do would be to inform them I'm not coming and why. I'm sick of being so proper all the time. But I feel like a total selfish butt head for not just sucking it up for the sake of my fathers feelings and just going to join them. My sister doesn't help any. when I told her I might not come she sighed and said something like, "it doesn't surprise me, you've always been selfish and done your own thing." Which in my perspective is the complete opposite of what I've always done. I've always done things to please other people and make them happy. It's who I was up until about 2 years ago when my energy was so low I couldn't do it anymore. I've been trying to live up to this image of who I thought I was, a social person. What I'm coming to find out is that I'm not social at all. In fact for the most part right now, I'd rather be alone.

The problem is that I can't say in words right now to anyone what's going on with me. How do you say to someone who is stuck in the matrix movie, "I can't come because my ego is dying right now." They can't possibly understand so why even try.

The other problem is that I could call and tell my dad I love him and that I'm not coming because I feel like being alone. And I could ease the blow by saying I'll hang out with him one on one. But the issue is that as a Manifestor I'm supposed to initiate and I don't feel like initiating contact with anyone and I don't know when I will. My whole shtick right now is simplification, introspection and non interaction with people. I don't want to be influenced and pressured anymore. This is one of the reasons why moving to Kauai seems like such a good idea right now, it's an excuse not to have to hang out with people. This morning on the forum, John Martin was talking about either tip toeing into Human Design vs Jumping off the cliff into it, my whole body was screaming out JUMP!! Right after that feeling my mind said to me, that was a spleen hit, then it went into a whole story about the logistics of moving there. I really felt this in the body when he was talking about his first few years of HD when he lived in a tent on the beach. Ever since I watched his first video I felt a pull to move to Kauai. It's pretty much inevitable, the question is just when will it happen?

It's so hard to get out of the matrix. I still care what people think of me. That's where I'm stuck. I think I'm going crazier by the day and I'm scared.

I used to be all about achieving happiness, then about achieving a feeling of connectedness, and now I'm just feeling like a Zombie. I'm just barely on the edge of this isness, watching it all go by, playing along but getting so damn sick of the game I'm ready to just run away. Where would I be running to I don't know? As my wise friend Anil reminded me the other day, "wherever you go, there you are." I'm uncomfortable, lazy, unmotivated, unconnected, not happy, not peaceful, just blah. I feel like I've seen, heard, and met everything and everyone there is to see hear and meet and there's no point in getting excited about anything anymore because it's all just meaningless!! At least in Kauai I'll be around other people who are following their design and say fuck off to their minds. I'm scared about what it means to be a Manifestor. I'm afraid I'll turn into a grouchy old woman with no love in my life and no friends. I'm alone in this and there's no choice but to move FURTHER!! Thank you for that advice Jed McKenna, I hate you and love you.