Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Power Play - Gate 34

Gate 34.5 - The Power of the Great , "the energy and fuel for survival"

"Co-creating is in fact the essence of spiritual adulthood; it is the exercise of choice and the acceptance of our responsibility for those choices. Managing our power of choice is the Divine challenge, the sacred contract we are here to fulfill. It begins with choosing what our thoughts and attitudes will be. " Caroline Myss
Gate 34.5 is in transit today and it just happens that I am reading Caroline Myss, the medical intuitive who talks about all disease and it's relation to Power. Coincidence, No. Programming of the Maia - Yes.

I have been ailed with a chronic bladder infection for 2 and half years now and it feels I am ready to get to the bottom of things. Today, I have been exploring what Power means to me and what or who I have given my power over to that has got me to this point of a chronic condition. There are many ways I have learned to give up my power.

When I drink coffee in the morning, I am losing power. It has a hold on me, controls me and therefore is taking my power. I choose to only put healthy drinks into my body.

When I view the past as a mistake, and see my life with a perspective that I didn't get what I needed, I am choosing to associate a heavy feeling to something that is over. This is giving my power to the past which isn't even real. Seeing the past as just that, the past without the story, without the judgement, without the attached charge, seeing the past as something that has no relation to me now, will give me my power back.

When I choose to see the world filled with chaos and confusion, I am giving power to my mind. When I see the world and myself as it is, a continuous miraculous unfolding of mystery, then I am present and empowered in the now. All stimulus, energy and people are a reflection of my vibration. I choose to live in awe. Power power flower power mystic power, the display of power, scary power, powerful, when do I feel powerful? When I am in charge of my space and energy. When I don't let people or situations affect my inner peace. When I control what I consume.

When I see myself as inadequate, lacking in something that I think I should have, and hoping that my partner/lover/friend will fill that void, I am giving my power to another person. When I turn to substances to fill this feeling of lack, I am giving my power to an object.

Caroline Myss - "Spiritual maturation includes not only developing the ability to interpret the deeper messages of sacred texts, but learning to read the spiritual language of the body."

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Clearing out the Solar Plexus by Opening the Heart

It is said in Human Design, if you have an open emotional center you take in and amplify the emotional waves of those around you. In my chart, my emotional center (or solar plexus) is completely white with no activations coming off of it or pointing towards it. It's taken me a long time to understand what this means in my life but I have finally realized that with this configuration I have taken on the emotions of everyone in my life for my entire life, amplified them and mistaken them as my own. I have literally been a sponge. This center in me is hardly white, a better description would be caked with mud and shit from all the conditioning I've taken in.

Because I grew up in a family and in an environment where people weren't taught how to process and release their own emotions in a healthy way, and no one taught me how to let the emotional waves of the world pass through me, I basically took on everyone's raw emotions and thought they were mine. And this was extremely uncomfortable in my body, so I always took it upon myself to settle and dissipate the intense frequency of room by making jokes to make myself and everyone feel better. After one of my father's angry eruptions at the dinner table because me or one of my siblings was chewing with their mouths open or scraping their teeth against their forks, I would always be the one to lighten the situation.  I did this for most situations where someone was angry or emotional. I have lived most of my life making sure everyone around me wasn't upset. I had no idea this wasn't my job nor how much energy I depleted by doing this.

Michael A. Singer's book "Untethered Soul" has shed a lot of light on the reasons for my depression and fatigue.

An awakened being, he says is fully open to each moment, allowing every experience and perception to pass through the heart, body and mind fluidly. The heart is the magnificent center which controls the energy flow, or Prana of our entire system, and in it's natural state it is open and allowing. The reason why our heart isn't always open is because in our lives we have energy patterns come into our psyche that create disturbance and discomfort, and because we don't know any better, we resist them by not allowing them to pass through us. When we do this, energy patterns get blocked inside and keep circling around. They are unfinished and stuck inside our hearts until we can stop resisting them. These are what they call "Samskaras" and every single event that didn't make it through us from the time we are babies to this moment, is still circling inside. These impressions encrust the valve of the spiritual heart (which is the "solar plexus" center in human design) and that encrustation builds up and restricts the energy flow. Overtime enough of these blockages can lead to a completely numb heart, depression and fatigue.

By the time I was 33, I had so many blocked energy patterns, that my heart was completely encrusted and shut down. And because of this, my Prana or life force energy had become trapped and almost non existent.

The pain of taking on the emotions of the world was too much for my body to handle, leading me to close myself off to not only emotions but to life itself. This pain and trauma hit it's pinnacle approximately 3 1/2 years ago when luckily I stumbled upon human design, which helped to explain a lot and gave me the permission to start down the long and arduous road of de conditioning my open centers and becoming myself. There was no other choice, either I could keep dying or I could work on clearing out the caked up conditioning of a lifetime and strive to be happy and free. Luckily my life arranged itself so that I could get away from people while still being able to support myself. For 4 months straight I slept between 12-20 hours a day. There wasn't any crying or felt emotion at that time, just a complete fatigue, darkness and fog in my head. It took about a year to finally start feeling my pent up anger and repressed emotions and at that time I still didn't know how to process these, so I continued to smoked pot to give me the illusion of joy and creativity. Before that time, I had no idea I was even angry.

It has taken another 2 years, after a lot of rest, kundalini yoga, meditation, and working with plant medicines, to finally be able to confront these emotions without turning to substances to keep them blocked. This process of dropping my addictions has been inextricably linked to the level at which I am able to allow these stuck energy patterns to pass through me. And I must also add that that my ability to face these energy patterns has been inextricably linked to my experiences with Iboga and Ayahuasca.

Today in my experiment I am feeling things again. There's still a lot of sadness and fatigue mixed in with anger but I also have days of joy and lightness of being. I feel I am at the beginning of a beautiful opening and depth of living I never imagined was possible. And I know it's truly only the beginning of what's possible.  Doing kundalini yoga and meditation everyday is assisting in the process of bringing up old energy patterns to face and release. They are starting to pour out of me on a weekly almost daily basis and for once in my life, I am allowing this process to happen. There's almost a sweetness to it now.  Singer says, "Once you sit deeply enough inside to stop fighting the stored energy patterns, they'll come up constantly and pass right through you. Just let it all happen. Get it over with. If you relax and release, this purification of your heart is a wonderful thing." He is right, I am beginning to feel an undercurrent of pure love underneath each wave of stuck energy as I open my heart and say YES to it. I am no longer allowing the mind to give these bitter sweet waves a story. My heart and solar plexus are clearing themselves out and at the moment there is no end in sight. However, the vision and possibility of a truly inspired, creative and joyful life remains as my motivation to keep me going down this path. I see myself in the near future as a pure vessel of light, love and abundant energy. My true self is on the horizon and I am starting to feel the warmth and brilliance of her rays. For now I will continue to allow whatever is arising to be as it is with as little resistance as possible.

Singer asks us "Are you willing to go through this process of purification, or do you want to try to change the world so it doesn't disturb your Samskaras? Your reward is a permanently open heart. You live in love, and it feeds and strengthens you. Unending inspiration, unending love, and unending openness. That is the natural state of a healthy heart." I for one believe that our birth right is to be in this state of openness, love and joy at all times. Do you?

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

June 18th, 2013 - 2nd & 3rd Ayahuasca Journey

2 weeks after I self administered Iboga and experienced death, I was happy to hear that a couple who opened a healing Temple in Iquitos, Peru and were trained shaman were coming to town for a 2 day ayahuasca retreat. It was going to be an intimate setting with just a handful of people in a beautiful home, just the type of style and situation I prefer. I immediately signed up.

The first night of this journey was the one of the most difficult nights of my life (I've had a lot of those now). Within 5 minutes of drinking the tea I was puking it up. I thought that meant I wouldn't feel it very much, and I was very wrong. The medicine hit me like a train wreck hitting hard and intense. All thoughts became emotionalized so everything she showed me had so much energy behind it. I saw and faced some of my demons and biggest fears, just what I've been asking for. One of the images that sticks out is of a finger rubbing a nipple, for some reason I was repulsed by it. I then was shown when I was 4. I started master-bating at a very young age. One night I was downstairs watching TV alone and started rubbing myself with my blankie. My dad walked in on me and I know he had seen what I was doing but he wasn't equipped to know what to say or do. so he said "What are you doing?" in an accusation tone. I said nothing and acted like I was just watching TV. From this experience, I learned that sexuality was something bad that I had to hide. Neither my dad or my mom knew how to talk about the topic with us, so I never learned that I was doing was perfectly normal. Aya helped me rewrite that scene with me and my dad, this time he came in to the room and sat down on the floor with me. He picked me up into his arms and told me he loved me and that I am perfect just the way I am. He also said that rubbing myself to give myself pleasure was okay and that I had a choice to control that urge whenever I wanted with my mind.

All of my demons and shadows came to the forefront of my mind, the darkest images from my life were displayed in front of me. My body was so weak it felt like it was dying and I was either collapsed in fetal position or writhing in discomfort for the greater part of the journey. Within my body and in the upper realms, there was a struggle for my soul. The spirit of Ayahuasca, or perhaps it was my higher self, was asking me if I wanted to live or die. I was so fatigued and overwhelmed with sadness at that point that honestly, I didn’t really know whether I wanted to continue my existence in this body. I would rather have died than continued to live in the emptiness that pervaded my life.

During the journey, I would have just enough energy to grab the bucket at the end of my mat and puke and cry and wail all of my sorrow into the bucket. I puked 7 times (the Shaman later said this was highly unusual and saw it as the result of the Iboga still being in my system). I felt like such a drama queen, I was definitely the loudest one of the bunch, but I couldn’t hold myself back. For once in my life, I just let myself fall apart.

I was shown myself as a child, innocently taking in the suffering of others and working hard to make everyone around me feel good (Open Emotional center). I took on my parent's pain for the loss of their first child, and when I was born shortly after my presence was their lighthouse through a dark period of life. Not understanding my father's frustration, I blamed myself for his anger and this was the beginning of a lifetime of building a whole library full of blame and anger of my own.

Through all of the drama of my journey, the sounds of the jungle being played on the speakers in the background would lure me back to the present moment, a lullaby reminding me that this was all just a dream passing.  For a moment of relief, I would be able to sink into the silence of reality, realizing that it was all passing phenomenon being watched by something all knowing. But this would be a brief relief before the mind became so loud and body so uncomfortable I couldn't ignore it.

I was happy to survive that night and spent the entire next day resting outside on a couch just breathing through waves of sadness. That day while waiting for the 2nd ceremony, I sat alone outside on the couch, fatigued and still heavy with emotion. There was a beautiful garden in front of me with birds and butterflies fluttering about. A hummingbird flew right up in front of me, about a foot in front of my face and hovered for about 20 seconds. We looked each other directly in the eye. It reminded me that this was all worth it for the joy and lightness I would someday be enjoying. A little shiver of sweetness went through me and I knew it was a nice omen from mother nature that everything was going to be okay.

I had a nice conversation with the man who had the mat next.  I opened up to him and he helped me to see that the patterns in me were set from day 1, actually they were set in the womb. Right before my mom got pregnant with me, my parents had just suffered such an incredible trauma with their baby boy dying a horrible death. They hadn't released their grief about it. So when I came into the world they didn't know how to experience true joy and so they held in their suffering and pretended to be happy. As a child I knew no one was telling the truth but when I was shown the opposite over and over again, I ended up thinking there was something wrong with me. My little soul, so gentle open and sweet took on my parent's suffering bringing as much light to their world as I could. Oh sweet sweet Trista, how could you be any different, it isn't possible, you and everyone else were doing the best you could. This toxic environment was your fate, it was your destiny. You can't change it, it's your blessing and you can accept it, accept yourself, love yourself as that child and love your parents for their own journey's. Your sensitivity is your gift, you can learn how to work with it. 

The 2nd night I took a smaller dose and had a much lighter yet still pretty dark journey. I didn’t have the post ayahuasca glow that some speak of in those following weeks, in fact I felt really shitty. I was still weak, tired, and very depressed. However, I did quit smoking pot and haven’t smoked it since nor have I desired it.

The following weeks I cried more than I’ve cried in my entire life. I sat in my apartment and played healing music and just cried my heart out. The medicine had released this pain in me that was finally getting an outlet. I cried for all the unmet expectations I had for myself, for all the disappointment I'd caused people, for the person I imagined I was going to be, for all the suffering my parents went through and for all the suffering in the world, for the pathetic sadness of my situation, for all the mistakes I had made and the people I had hurt. And I prayed for guidance from my spirit guides, I prayed with all my heart to know God and be in contact with source and my spirit guides. It felt like I had been cut off from anything divine for so long and my hopes of connecting were fading. In those dark days, I was secretly hoping I was like an Eckhart Tolle and would go to bed wanting to die and the next morning I’d wake up enlightened and in bliss. However this wasn’t the case, the divine never gave me a clear signal.  I never received a download or heard a voice or saw a vision telling me it was going to be okay and I never woke up fully enlightened. Every time I prayed for a sign, nothing was shown to me, at least nothing obvious that I could see or hear. So all I could do was just cry it out and practice saying Yes to whatever was in front of me no matter how painful,  Yes yes I am crying, and YES I feel like hell and YES this may never end, okay YES, YES I surrender to this darkness fine take me! And after I started to really surrender to this darkness, ironically that's when more light began to enter my life. 

Saturday, June 1, 2013

June 1st, 2013 - Iboga Round 3 - Death

This round of Iboga was done at a friends home. I didn't' take enough to be a flood dose and this was not fun.

I was shown death, emptiness, non existence to the core. It was horrible, the only thing that existed there was an awareness of an incredible fear. No form, no shape, color, size, or any characteristics, just floating in oblivion, silence, pure awareness, nothing to grab onto, scary as shit. I didn't think I could survive it, there wasn't a strong motivation to fight it or go with it. No desire existed there. All the while the body was restless, tossing here and there, moving rooms, trying desperately to just sleep and let it all go away. Even 36 hours after I ingested only about 8 grams of root bark, I'm still feeling this anxiety about the experience of nothingness, it felt like where we actually come from and where we'll go. The body has been shocked and a current of energy pulses through me, not letting me sit still or sleep. Listening to some kundalini music today all I could do was dance ferociously, pounding out the amazing gift of my existence and the fact that I have any desires at all, even if they're seemingly impure ones. I am thankful that there is an I to exist this moment at all, in this current form. I am grateful for life itself for the alternative is not that pleasant as I have clearly seen.  I was shown the delicacy of this animated life, in a flash it could be gone and we'll once again be floating in oblivion with no personalities, motivations or human traits of desire and repulsion. Amen for your and my humanity in all of it's grotesque and brilliant colors.

Friday, March 15, 2013

March 15th, 2013 - Iboga Round 1 Another Glimpse

The unmistakeable feeling of just being, full body awareness,

An attempt to describe the effects my first Iboga Journey:
Since my iboga journey last month, I have yet to write about my experience because truly it was so multi-faceted that I don't know how to begin. but as i sit here reflecting on the days i was at the iboga house, there emerged a theme for the entire journey. That theme was learning and practicing how to "just be" on a new level for myself.  By the time I left my 8 day stay at the treatment center, I was grounded in "being". What the heck does that mean anyways? I will do my best to describe it.

It was a very lovely and intense discussion I had with Joel, the house manager at iboga house, 22 hours into my 2nd journey on the 7th day, about the nature of reality and what it means to be awake. Joel had read many books on the topic and studied in detail and was also an avid astrologer so we had a lot of common interests to discuss. I was feeling particularly relaxed and chatty and really wanting to connect and talk with people. Joel had just returned from Gabon from his initiation ceremony with Moughenda and the Bwiti Tribe. The whole crew had just returned and everyone had a very bright, very calm and content aura energy them even though they had just trekked through the muddy jungle with millions of mosquito bites to visit the (little people tribe)

during this very stimulating and deep conversation with Joel at the dining room table of the guest house, my mind was sharp and observant. it was talking to me as usual, commenting on useful and not so useful things, and it was actually quite loud. that's one thing iboga does for most people, is it makes your mind chatter louder so you can analyze it and hear what it is more clearly. It shows you the automatic tapes that run cyclically through your head.

the interesting part about it was that even during the mental chatter, my body was comfortably seated in the chair one foot resting on the seat and the other dangling down while my toes played with the cool white tiled floor. there was a smile within, and a strong knowing or grocking that whatever was going on in my mind and in the conversation was actually secondary to the background of silent full potential awareness that i was drawn into. nothing needed to happen or be said for me to feel differently. i wasn't trying to escape any feelings or thoughts by grabbing for something. i didn't have to say or be or do anything. it was enough to just be.

as we talked, my aura took it all in, there was expansiveness, a deep rest and sense of security like a warm blanket enticing me to stay in the present moment. there was awareness and appreciation of every breath, my eyes wandered back and forth from Joel to the tropical view outside the window with colorful flowers, palm trees, and birds singing, to the white walls and curtains that had geckos climbing on them. all the while there was this intense and keen awareness of everything around me, the "I" was able to have a perfectly coherent and intelligent conversation with another person. I could also sense what was going on with Joel during the ebb and flow of topics, emotions, and thoughts, riding both of our mind's waves of acceptance and rejection, criticism and encouragement, attraction and repulsion, confusion and clarity, attempt to be right about what it knew, it was all still there, the mind's tendency to size someone up and make conclusions about them, labeling them this or that. the mind was happily commenting away and in the background I was perfectly fine with all of it.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

March 12th, 2013 - Iboga Round 1 & 2

How to put words to the most profound incredible experience of my life. I’m struggling but I want to try. Iboga has reconnected me with my soul, cleared out the demons of the mind and body, and I am no longer craving for substances. (update; this lasted only a few weeks except for ciggarettes which I have never smoked again). I feel better than I have since I can remember. It’s still working on me and I am having waves of realization.

My first journey, among many other things, showed me the interconnectedness of all things. It was towards the end of the night about 10 hours into our flood and I opened my eyes to look out at the sky and trees, light was just beginning to illuminate the sky. Everything around me was imbued with the same awareness and divinity as the eyes looking out at it, My eyes. The eye of god was in everything I saw and I was also the eye of god. Reality bubbled over in a continuous outpouring of god’s creating. The trees and sky were breathing just as I was. We were all blessed with the gift of life, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of comfort from the wonder of simply being.  Earlier in the journey I played a scene over and over again, it was a birds eye view of when I met Ry. I would see both of us weaving our way through the park, me chasing the dog and him playing Frisbee. And then the lines would swerve and when we met in the forest, it was like two force fields coming together and big shock wave was sent out.

My 2nd journey was very different than the first. The entire time in my visions I had a huge smile on my face. Everything was fun, I was skipping through many different lifetimes, joining all kinds of people for brief moments at a time, sometimes my family and friends, sometimes people I’ve never seen before. My “job” it seemed was to bring my smile wherever I went and add more light to the scene simply by just being there. I was able to say goodbye to everyone so easily because I understood existence on the grander scheme. The truth was that I will have and have had many lifetimes, and all are just an opportunity for my soul to experience itself in different ways. My soul is perfectly content and actually happy no matter what is going on. But it’s true drive is to experience life through joy.

Now I can see and feel that what was driving me to make decisions was my ego mind. I was cut off from the voice of my soul from all the toxins I had accumulated in my body. It’s almost like I was possessed. I’m just going to say that was it because there was such a strong force inside me that I couldn’t stop and it was contributing to my sorrow, misery and self-destruction. It wanted me to stay disconnected and to remain in darkness. And the more substances I ingested the more powerful it was. I feel that Iboga was my saving grace, it would’ve taken years of kundalini and doing cleansing to clear out as much stuff as I did in 8 days. And because the dark entities were so powerful in me, influencing me to make unhealthy decisions and be lazy, I would not have been able to do the things necessary to get back on track.  I feel like I’ve recovered my will power, when I wake up in the morning these past few days I have wanted to do yoga, or go running, instead of just grab for coffee. Don’t get me wrong, coffee still sounds good, I know how it tastes good and makes me feel up. But the negative consequences are much greater than the benefits and now I’m empowered to make that smart choice.