Saturday, June 1, 2013

June 1st, 2013 - Iboga Round 3 - Death

This round of Iboga was done at a friends home. I didn't' take enough to be a flood dose and this was not fun.

I was shown death, emptiness, non existence to the core. It was horrible, the only thing that existed there was an awareness of an incredible fear. No form, no shape, color, size, or any characteristics, just floating in oblivion, silence, pure awareness, nothing to grab onto, scary as shit. I didn't think I could survive it, there wasn't a strong motivation to fight it or go with it. No desire existed there. All the while the body was restless, tossing here and there, moving rooms, trying desperately to just sleep and let it all go away. Even 36 hours after I ingested only about 8 grams of root bark, I'm still feeling this anxiety about the experience of nothingness, it felt like where we actually come from and where we'll go. The body has been shocked and a current of energy pulses through me, not letting me sit still or sleep. Listening to some kundalini music today all I could do was dance ferociously, pounding out the amazing gift of my existence and the fact that I have any desires at all, even if they're seemingly impure ones. I am thankful that there is an I to exist this moment at all, in this current form. I am grateful for life itself for the alternative is not that pleasant as I have clearly seen.  I was shown the delicacy of this animated life, in a flash it could be gone and we'll once again be floating in oblivion with no personalities, motivations or human traits of desire and repulsion. Amen for your and my humanity in all of it's grotesque and brilliant colors.