Sunday, March 7, 2010
I'm done searching. I have an open G Center. I'm not here to find my purpose. What a Relief!!
I used to blame my parents for my depression. I blamed them for not giving me enough guidance throughout my childhood. I felt like I'd made lots of mistakes in my life. I was pissed they didn't give me more wisdom to live by, that they didn't do anything about my drugs and craziness in high school. That they didn't communicate with me more about sex. Other than my dad telling me when to be home and the rules with boys, they really didn't stop me from doing much, they played the ignorant card. Granted I was a really good liar. But they knew, oh they knew that I was getting into trouble.
My mind got a hold of me at a very young age, all my open centers but especially my open G center were deeply conditioned by society. I think the most detrimental conditioning I had was that I was supposed to hurry up and choose something to be really good at and stick with it. My boyfriend in college played the guitar and he knew that's what he was here to do, there was no question in his mind. That made me jealous and even more anxious to find something. It used to be my mantra, "I want to find my passion!!" And oh how I've searched for it.
There I was, 25 years old after having traveled the world in search of my passion and still having no idea what I was supposed to be doing. I came back to the western world and immediately felt the pressure to find my career. After a few months of exploring possibilities, I decided to spend a lot of money to go to editing school in Hollywood. 3 years later, I was working and making lots of money in reality T.V, but I felt completely unfulfilled and trapped. I can remember banging my head against the wall and being so depressed thinking, "What the hell am I supposed to be doing? If it's not this, what the f*** is it? I need to find it now. Somebody please help me."...and so I quit and set out again to figure out what my purpose was and why I was so depressed.
Guilt had become my best friend. I felt guilty for not being with my family enough, I felt guilty for not sticking with my career, I felt guilty for leaving my boyfriends, I felt guilty for smoking, guilty for being tired all the time. Guilt seriously plagued my life. And so I drank, and took pills, and smoked a lot of pot and cigarettes to numb the pain. In hindsight, perhaps it was all to hide the anger.
Through it all, the search for peace and a purpose continued. I asked the universe for guidance and various people/angels blessed my life with great wisdom. There was Brooks, the clutter buster, who opened me back up to the power of spirituality. He took me to receive darshan from Mirabai Devi and she sent a jolt of kundalini energy through my chakra system that changed my world. Benjamin, my life coach, who opened me back up to possibilities. He dared me to dream big again. Then I found Sarah, who helped me feel again. She showed me how to release my anger and taught me how to slow down and love myself.
I was lead to the Strengths Finder, What color is my Parachute, and Artist's Way. I studied the Law of Attraction, Louise Haye, The Vortex, Holosync and now I have found Human Design. It satiates me on so many levels. There are answers and explanations for everything. The biggest explanation being why me and the rest of the world are so f'd up.
While running the other day, I stopped dead in my tracks when I had the best epiphany of my life. I realized that I actually chose exactly the right parents for my design!! Their lack of guidance actually empowered me as a 6/2 Manifestor to go out into the world and try things. They supported me in whatever I wanted to explore. They let me open the cupboards, walk on the walls, climb trees, walk out the door, travel to the far ends of the earth. What they gave me was unconditional love and acceptance, which is exactly what I needed. The epiphany made me cry. I felt more free. I wasn't pissed at them anymore. I am finally thankful.