Saturday, November 15, 2014

Finding Purpose through Losing My Identity

The open G center is the white diamond in the middle of the chart. 

If you have an open G Center (if it's white in your chart), your mind will play out the story that you must find your purpose, otherwise your life will have no meaning. It can also play out as a story that you must find the love of your life. If you want to know whether you have it, get your free chart here.

There is a feeling of gentle, sustained energy arising in my body again after so many years of being exhausted, confused and lost. It's still coming and going depending on the day and what kind of detoxing is happening in my body. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for this energy and to have a focus again (Gate 52). Ra Uru Hu was right when he said that people who have Gate 52 and have no focus are depressed. I was so depressed with no focus for many years.

It looks like I will be starting a Nutritional Balancing business once I get my diploma in a couple weeks. This will allow me to coach people to heal themselves with a holistic program that includes diet, supplements, meditation, coffee enemas and saunas. It's a new paradigm of healing that is bringing a revolution of humanity to reclaim the right to our body's health and happiness. There is so much to learn and so many ideas I want to implement, it's exciting and a little daunting at the same time. It feels like this is an endevour that will last but with my track record, who knows.

With an open G-Center, as long as I can remember, I've chased my purpose and had the story in my mind that if I just found it I would feel okay about myself. My whole self worth has been based on what I am producing in the world. I've gotten excited about many business endeavors in my life, one of my prime gifts in my Human Design is Gate 53; the Gate of New Beginnings. There have been many chances for new beginnings and many chances to quit. Here's the thing that's different about this career pursuit that feels more sustainable. It has to do with fact that I have more energy, but it also has to do with living my human design and de-conditioning my open centers for over 4 years now.

Previously, when I would find something that I was excited about starting, I would put everything into it, including my sense of identity. My entire sense of self-acceptance would be wrapped up in the success of my pursuit and how quickly (open Root) I could make it happen. In the beginning I would have loads of passion and energy but then slowly as the process would get more complicated and require more energy, I would lose energy and enthusiasm and then quit from exhaustion and overwhelm. Throughout my life, I've started so many things (Gate 53.2) with the hopes that they would complete me. And I've quit all of them because they never did. I thought I was a big failure.

After running around trying to live up to my own and others expectations of success, starting and failing at so many things, I gradually collapsed into a state of despair and complete exhaustion in 2010. This started a long journey of healing and for almost 4 years my inner life was absolute hell. I was miserable and extremely disillusioned with the world and why I was in it. Finding Human Design at that time was a life saver. It explained partly why I was so exhausted. I learned that wasn't a generator, I wasn't here to here to keep up with the busyness of the world, nor was I here to find one particular purpose. As John Martin put it to me in my first reading, "You have no identity." At the time I had no idea what he was talking about or how right he actually was.

My life arranged itself shortly after my first HD reading so that I was alone, living in Kauai, with a ridiculous amount of free time. I did have a part time job working from home, and I would work about 4-5 hours a day. In hindsight, once I set out on my path to heal myself, life truly supported me in this endeavor and I have always had just enough money to pay my bills and focus on resting and "getting my shit together". There I was in one of the most beautiful landscapes in the world, with all that free time, no desire to hang out with anyone, and a cluttered mind full of self doubt and judgement. When people learn that I lived in Kauai, I can see their minds come up with images of me frolicking in the ocean, partying on the beach and various other fun activities we think of when we think of Hawaii. This was not my experience. There were definitely some days of fun and frolicking but mostly it was a time for me to reset, I was literally stripping away my identity and painting my canvas white again.

All that time to myself alone was a curse and a blessing. I literally had no idea how to just be with myself. The thoughts in my head were loud and depressing. There was no more energy or motivation to really do or pursue anything and I was forced to sit still and face myself. As a 33 year old 6/2 Manifestor scrambling to get up on my roof, I definitely didn't want to be around other people because that only confused and exhausted me more. I simply couldn't take in any more bullshit into my system. I needed to know the truth about life and why I was so miserable.

I slept, took walks, listened to Ra Uru Hu and Adyashanti, meditated, and slept some more. At that time I was still smoking pot so I did that too. This addiction wasn't helping anything, I knew I should quit but I wasn't ready yet because it was one thing that brought me temporary relief. Life was forcing me to face myself, my thoughts, the nothingness of existence, my open Centers, and the silence of truth. It felt like I was in hell, I was literally cut off from any external or internal joy in life (Pluto was transiting Gate 58 - Gate of Joy and kicking my butt). Now I see that not only was I extremely conditioned, I was also extremely toxic and nutritionally depleted. If only Nutritional Balancing had come along sooner as a companion to human design, my healing journey wouldn't have had to be as difficult nor as long. 

Learning about and breaking free from the conditioning of my open centers has shifted my perspective on myself and life completely. Through the process of deconstructing my ideas and beliefs about myself and life, I finally faced my greatest fear, the fear that I'm fundamentally inadequate. (Gate 48) Without a purpose and direction I really felt like I had no reason to exist, no reason to stay on this earth in this body. The conditioning of society taught me that I wasn't worth anything I if I wasn't producing something.

Finally, at the end of 2013, I reached a crescendo of self loathing. After spending so much time alone learning to lose my identity, my ego-mind rose up for one final battle to maintain control. Crumbled in fetal position on the floor of my apartment I cried, no I screamed and wailed at the universe, demanding a reason for my pathetic existence. It never answered. However, with this release of energy, this toxic poison of inadequacy was shed from my being. It was a moment of true humanity, I had voyaged into the depths of my shadow.

This event was a major turning point in my experiment. After saying YES over and over to this darkest darkness of my self, the need to control my experience, the need to be something I was not lifted and with it a little bit of light began to enter my life again. That final shattering of my mind lifted the depression for good and it hasn't come back. Amen!

Like the sticky sap on the window of my old car, however, this story of inadequacy has not gone completely from my life, I don't know if it ever will. But now I know how to handle it. I am so familiar with this sabotaging voice that when it begins to whisper its sinister words in my mind, I recognize it, accept and allow it to be. I've learned the hard way, the more I resist the more it will gain power. In this acceptance it can play itself out much faster. Sometimes it comes more loudly in which case I allow myself to wallow in self pity and give myself a good cry. At this point I know from experience that with each release of energy, there will be more light and understanding.

In this long process of slowing down and dying to my old identity, I finally got to the place of being at peace with myself without a purpose or direction. I used to be a conditioned Manifestor, living in anger trying to be Generator. Today I am stepping into my role as a 6/2 Manifestor up on my roof away from the world, feeling completely at Peace as the lone wolf that I am. I'm okay with never quite being a part of any group, in fact I prefer it that way. It's not that I don't want or enjoy people in my life, it's that I don't need them to be happy and honestly this feels incredibly powerful. I am not afraid to be alone as there is now a deeper knowing of who I really am.

I am living more and more in what they call passenger consciousness in Human Design and what I call the Truth of my existence. It's a tangible, mysterious, ever changing silent potential that is comforting, constant and always available to me, even when I'm exhausted and sad. It's the One who's been looking out these eyes my entire life, throughout every experience, silently watching without any judgment. It's the One who will continue when this body dies.

As a 6/2 profile, I am here to be perfected and this tool of Nutritional Balancing is just the thing I need to keep tuning and mastering the perfection of this vehicle. With my personality earth in Gate 21.6, the Gate of Control, for me to stay grounded in a state of peace has everything to do with what I consume. Nutritional Balancing is helping me control what I put in my mouth. I've struggled with addictions my whole life and as I balance my minerals, my addictions have less and less of a grip on me. Coffee is my final battle and I will conquer her by next year.

From this point on, I will give myself the label of Nutritional Balancing Coach. This new label might be temporary and it might last a long time, either way is fine with me. I will allow things to unfold in their time, working from a place of curiosity to learn the science and trust that those who need this modality of healing will be guided my way. If if there is such a thing as a purpose, I feel I am closer to it than ever before.