Saturday, December 3, 2016

Open Emotional Center No Activations - Relationships

I'm a splenic manifestor with an open emotional center and no activations. (In case you don't know what center that is, it's the white triangle on the right of my chart.) This has been a very tricky center to understand. My emotions are experienced as either completely overwhelming with the collective pain and suffering of humanity and my entire body and mind feels defeated, or I'm neutral and almost "cold". It's difficult for me to feel compassion for just one person but I often feel the plight of a deeply wounded humanity.

It's been 7 years of de-conditioning this sucker and it's finally getting a little more clear how to navigate with this vulnerable center. I just ended a very intense 3 month relationship with an emotional generator who is unaware of how his emotional wave functions and through our time together I learned very clearly what it means to be emotionally blackmailed. It's when someone is in their down wave and is trying to manipulate you to make you feel like you're responsible for it, and/or they want you to make them feel better by getting affection from you when you're not really feeling like giving it because of the way their acting. He wanted me to give him nurturing because what I did activated his wounded child but my body didn't trust him because of the distortion of his emotional wave. At first I tried to push against my self and give him this nurturing because I'm a kind person and want to help heal others, but then it felt clear it was going against my authority so I stopped doing that and stood in my power.

The emotionally aware person would know how to take full responsibility for their down wave and learn how to parent and nurture themselves as I have learned to do for myself. I had an entire childhood of walking on eggshells around an emotionally unaware father and I'm so done with this bullshit. I'm finally seeing that it's okay that I'm emotionally neutral, holding a loving silent space for someone to un-ravel is more healing than nurturing them because it gives them a mirror to discover the love and stillness underneath their crisis. And really I would like to have this kind of presence in a partner for when I'm un-raveling as well.

After going through this cycle with him a few times, I was able to see this manipulation happening clearly for the first time and didn't give into his games, stood my ground in my authority, and it felt very empowering. I understand that the wounded child and it's delicate nervous system goes unconscious when triggered, and people say and do stupid shit when they're triggered, I have compassion for this process in everyone including myself. But the lesson I learned here is, No matter what I did, said or didn't do, it's never my fault for how someone else feels. And it's never someone else's fault for how I feel.

We're all perfectly innocent in the pre-ordained unfolding of our character, it's healing and it's story. All we have to do is stay grounded in awareness and as Ra says "Watch the movie". The evolution of our species depends on this quality of awareness developing. What I learned through my teacher Devaji and have experienced for myself is this; all of our painful emotions cycle around again and again for the opportunity to feel and heal them. Relationships are a wonderful opportunity for these wounds to get triggered and when someone does trigger this pain, it's truly a gift, not a punishment.

I've also learned through this relationship how to see and be with my own shadow and through loving it I can love myself and others more completely. Wow, Jupiter in Libra square Pluto in Capricorn = accelerated evolution through relationships.