Monday, July 25, 2016

Retreat with Devaji: Grief & the Agony of SELF Abandonment

Day 4 of a 7 day retreat with Devaji:

Sinking deeper into the silence,. During both Satsangs today, the entire Sangha is bathed in this rich, loving silence. We all bask in it for a long time after Devaji ends the session. It feels inviting and I am able to avoid coming home from the afternoon session and immediately turning to technology. Instead the body and mind is significantly slowed down, wanting to nurture the stillness and turn within.

A slight headache has developed since the morning. Not yet aware that this is the grief wanting to surface.

Around 7pm after cleaning, I am already tired, the pressure in the head is stronger. The body sits down on the bed and gazes out the window, the third eye pulses and tingles.  I watch the mechanical thoughts swirl around attempting to grab attention and often successfully doing so. But the love is there and the presence is strong. I doze off to sleep and wake to see the sun is setting. It's only 8pm but I decide to climb under the covers and play some calming music. The body sinks into my cozy bed and jolts every so often as it breathes deeply. It feels like energy shooting up the body and getting stuck at the heart center.

One hand rests on the heart, the other on the womb. The breath slows. The healing music is taken in deeply in every cell. I feel safe, I feel love. It's different this time, no fear, no resistance; instead there's a welcoming of this energy.

The body jolts and sobs from the heart before the tears actually come. It's a familiar feeling that happened often during my ayahuasca ceremonies. The grief is held deep within and the body in it's wisdom shakes itself to loosen the trauma. Images flash of me as a child around 10 years old in my room, having the sense of being watched, not understanding what this feeling was. And having the sense of being very lost and confused and not feeling love.  Feeling this child, abandoned from the Love that she is, and all the chaos and confusion over the life that unfolded as a result. It brings tremendous Grief and sadness for this child and all the other children who experience the same thing.

The overwhelming agony of me/this child being separated from her heart begins to release through my body. How could I abandon my SELF for so long? Feeling so many years of so much pain and suffering of being lost. And now overwhelmed with Gratitude for the Ocean of Love that I am swimming in from Devaji and my sangha family. The tears flow for this incredible gratitude and tremendous grief, both equal forces on my heart. And it was divinely human.

Waves of Love from myself for myself, I go back to the scene in my bedroom and see that this Love was the thing that was watching me and it was there with me all along, through the whole journey.

Returning to my own Radiant Heart.