This concept of retracing is very similar to the concept I'm learning from my teacher, Devaji. In the spiritual enlightenment game, we call it burning. When we see an old pattern surface, by bearing witness to it with the light and love of consciousness it begins to burn. And what is it burning? It's burning away the false constructs that keep us blocked from seeing reality as it is; a beautiful, luminous, love drenched reflection of our own perfect SELF. In human design we call this shattering. Shattering our false beliefs about ourselves.
Nothing new happens in the reflection we call our life. It may come in different costumes, but it's never new. Devaji teaches that everything that is painful in our dream is just cycled around for us to bring the light of awareness too it so we can set it free. Every situation that triggers us in anyway is a potential opportunity to bring the light of consciousness to it. When we see that the feeling is old and familiar and just be with it, not trying to change it, the more it will be seen through as just a construct which is blocking our view of the pure beauty and light of reality. Every single thing in our dream is designed to carry us home, there are no exceptions to this rule.
These past few days what cycled around for me was the chaos and sadness from my childhood. (Chiron is exactly opposite my natal Venus)
My roommate came into my room a few days ago and told me she’s going to get her son, who’s 18 years old, relapsing on heroine and is struggling to keep it together. He lives about 4 hours away. She found a Christian based program for young adult addicts, that's a year long and is totally free, but it takes a few months to get processed and get placed. In the meantime he may need to stay here.
She's been in a pattern of rescuing him as best she can for a few years now. A pattern she can't seem to break. It's depleted her enormously but she's handling it like a champ. There’s been a back and forth over the last few months of him being kind of okay using the Suboxone to stave off his addiction, and then everything falling apart and him losing control again. There's an urgency of getting out of the place he''s living because there’s danger; maybe he owes someone drug money. There were people pounding on his door one night, we're not sure what kind of trouble he's in but it sounds scary.
She was going to bring him back here and said he'd have to go cold turkey. The idea of having him detoxing here made me really uncomfortable. Being familiar with drug addiction I know how difficult it is to stop, and although not from personal experience, I can imagine withdrawals from heroine are intense. It seems too much for her to handle on her own, he needs professional help.
This chaotic situation in my "dream"; the uncertainty of his fragile future, the unbearable sadness of drug addiction to begin with, feeling the familiar darkness that he must be swimming in, all came flooding into my system. I went to the Public Satsang with Devaji that day, by the end of it, the emotions had bubbled to the surface. I had a good cry to release the energy while grocery shopping and after in my car.
Later I came home and called Devaji to ask him for support around this. He asked me if this feeling of chaos was present in my childhood. Absolutely it was, but not in such an obvious way. I was raised in a typical American family that shoves the uncomfortable things under the rug and acts like everything is just fine. If you asked my sister she still claims we had a glorious childhood and our parents were nearly perfect. Even though she's the Projector and she probably absorbed just as much or more than I did. Unfortunately, she's still numbed to it all and is living life as if everything is still "fine".
My parents in their defence were good, loving parents. An outsider looking in probably would've seen our family as a healthy one. But here's the blessed curse of being Plutonian in the deepest way (Pluto conjunct Sun and Rahu). I knew from coming out of the shoot, everything wasn't fine! My parents went through the most traumatic thing anyone can possibly imagine. They lost their 1st child in a tragic accident. He was only 3 years old. Playing superman with a friend at a neighbors house, his cape got too close to the furnace and caught on fire. Not knowing what to do he ran home for Mommy. And my poor Mom. Can you imagine coming outside to see your 3 year old on fire. She had to roll him on the grass to put the fire out. After being rushed to the hospital with 3rd degree burns all over his body, he slipped into a coma. After a month of uncertainty of his fate, a nurse accidentally stuck the tracheotomy tube down the wrong hole and it killed him. This story is like every parent's worst nightmare. They went through marriage counseling and mourned his loss. But my Dad didn't get the chance to really process this event and his broken heart was never fully mended. He didn't know how to express his emotions and they seethed inside him manifesting in eventual cancer.
After a tragedy like that, everything isn't fine! About 6 months after the tragedy happened, my Mom was pregnant with me. The strong undercurrent of sadness seeping through the amniotic fluid while I was in the womb. And I came into the world with my bright light ready to shine. There was an immediate projection from them that I would transform this sadness and be the brightest star. And try as I did, unconsciously thinking it was my job to make everyone feel better with my Open Emotional Center, I couldn't take on something this big. Taking this task on as a child feels like a big cause for my Adrenal Fatigue that I'm still healing today at 38 years old.
Even my friggin name, Trista, in Latin it means "One who had a sorrow all her own until she smiled." But eventually just my smile couldn't erase the pain. Living in this soup of sadness, confusion and the helplessness of being able to heal my parents pain came up for review a few days ago. Triggered by the situation with my roommate and her son. This feeling of helplessness to be able to do anything about it is the crushing part. The fatigue in the body is a painful gift which reminds me of the truth of the situation. It's not my job to fix anyone or make the bad feelings go away. All I can do is be with this and trust that God knows exactly what he's doing. Her son will find salvation no matter what happens.
Devaji in his divine wisdom gave me the guidance to just hold a space of love and stillness for these old familiar emotions to pass through. And so that's what I did, and they passed. Letting go a little more as life continues teaching me how to live it. Accepting these uncomfortable emotions is all part of the play. Contrary to what I might have wanted it to be, life isn't just a bowl of cherries. The sweetness isn't just in the happy times. There is incredible wisdom in the darkness if we can sit with it long enough. That I am designed to be a servant of darkness is becoming more apparent.