The silence grabs me like a LOVE I have never known
Once I ask him my question about the role of Shamanism and Non-Duality, his words penetrate straight through my heart and I forget them as soon as they are spoken. He conveys to me what I already knew deep inside. I needed to hear it from someone I respected. All phenomenon in the dream worlds of all dimensions, including this one are potential distractions from the Truth of our being. (there's more to this and I will probably write about it at another time) Luckily the Satsang was being recorded so I can listen to his answer again.
Even though I knew he was only reflecting and amplifying that which is within me already, as soon as I returned to my seat I longed to be back in front of him caught in his gaze of eternity forever. And it is understood that this is what a true enlightenment teacher is for, not to give the mind more words and concepts but for the transmission of the wordless mystery which captivates the heart and silences the mind.
The backdrop of the snow capped mountain, her majesty Mount Shasta, further deepened the transmission of the silent Now which permeates every changing phenomena in the life. With the play of clouds constantly moving over the peak throughout the day, an ever-changing awe inspiring live painting is presented as more and less detail of her beauty is revealed and then masked again. And as the foreground and backdrop change, she stands firm, receptive and Divine.
The tears burst forth this morning as a deeper recognition of THAT which I am brings a current of a love and beauty that so magnificent, so vast, so complete that it bursts my heart open and I am grateful even for just a taste. The body trembles for a few moments before it further relaxes into another level of surrender. The exploration of this silent mystery has truly just begun even though I've been meditating for years. The silence has pulled me in like a mysterious new lover. I am eager and craving to get to know this new lover more intimately.
Before this retreat I was sitting in silence because I had been pointed in that direction by my teachers and I knew I was on a path to freedom and this practice was a necessary component. Meditation has indeed transformed me in many ways and the silence was recognized but it hadn't really sucked me in completely. There was still a question of "why am I doing this exactly?" and the ego wanted to know "what's in it for me?" Now it's clear. There is freedom in this silence. The freedom isn't about liberation from the ups and downs of life. It's a freedom from mistaking the emotional roller coaster of life as who you are. Who you are is completely untouched by anything the character is going through. Who you really are has nothing to do with what's going on in your life.
This booming presence, which has always been here as the background of the movie which I call my life;
1. Is the only thing that truly matters
2. Is the only thing that actually exists and
3. Is what we are ALL longing to return to
The story of this life is further chipped away. What "I" want is starting to matter less and less. The understanding that every thought, desire, and experience of this character is just playing itself out and there is nothing "I need to do" registers more completely in the cells of this body. And the tears flow once again flavored with a seasoning of joy and deep sadness as attachment to this ego/mind falls away. There is a bitter sweetness to this self realization process.
I am so grateful for this 3 days of silence and satsang with Devaji and his beautiful Sangha in Mount Shasta. Because of this time with them, the hunger inside for truth is burning stronger than ever. This player is devoted to getting off this crazy human ride in this lifetime once and for all.
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