Exhaustion crept over me last night and I woke from a dream where I was camping with a bunch of people and they were all gathered round in a circle to do something spiritual, at first I was in the circle then I somehow edged myself to the outside of it, and those all too familiar feelings of self judgment and inadequacy rushed over me. What could I possibly have to contribute that is of value to the world? Why don’t I have anything to say to people? In the dream the group proceeded to watch a movie and I looked for options of how to get alone to get through these heavy emotions that flooded my whole being. I wanted to go in the back and meditate on my sleeping bag but there were someone’s kids in the form of miniature cartoons who came in the back of the tent and I think one of them was playing with me for a bit then it ran off to find it's parents and I was sad again.
I cried early this morning in my dream and woke up with wet eyes. This sad empty feeling is back haunting me again and I’m attempting to say yes to it. I'm looking into what am I believing that is causing me to feel like this. I’d say it’s my thought that I have to be something to be of value or I might as well not exist. The mind desperately wants there to be a purpose for this life, for me to do something great in the world so I can justify being here. I'm believing that I shouldn’t be feeling this tired and sad. I'm believing that I should have something more to say to the world. I'm believing that I’m too lazy to achieve anything great in the world. I'm believing that I am this body mind structure. There is contraction here.
Today is Saturday, Saturn’s day and I will be fasting to honor him. I have no money and not much food and don’t get paid til Monday so fasting is a good option. I feel like staying in bed for now, I will do my Sadhna today when I get out of bed later. When I feel like this the mind thinks negative thoughts about me and others. It removes me from the world to bask in my own misery. It’s not a comfortable feeling but I’ve been through this cycle enough to know there are gems on the other side. I understand this process now and I'm grateful for that. When I dive into the feeling and say yes to what's coming up, I am not running from anything. Whereas before I would grab for something to make me feel better, coffee, pot, food, etc. Today, I can be with myself intimately in these moments of great doubt and allow the energy to be here and to move itself through me. No matter how painful, I know this process brings greater freedom.
Focusing on the silent background, breathing in and out. That’s what I’ll constantly be bringing myself back to today when the emotions run thick. Meaninglessness and emptiness is a horrible feeling, yet perhaps I’m being drawn into the void of this emptiness to explore it deeper. I know from those who’ve gone before me that this space is where the Big Love lives and I intend with every fiber of my being to find and embody this Big Love that we all come from and will return to. Yes I am being drawn in and yes I will go deeper. This is my only purpose I can see. I guess I do have one after all.