Sunday, November 18, 2012

100% In It

I am not my thoughts because they come and go in a background of stillness. These particular thoughts in this particular mind are particularly conditioned to this particular vehicle. The specific gates in my head/ajna centers as well as all of the white in my design flavor the thought streams that flow through me. I don't have to believe a word it says because it is ultimately just a tiny fraction of what I am. I can take in the entire world with this perspective too, knowing that whatever I am hearing, seeing, perceiving is just a projection of my mind and it isn't really true. Nothing needs to stick, I can let it all flow through me and enjoy the ride. The more I trust in my innate splenic wisdom of the moment, the more I can glide through this life and not try to grasp onto anything.

What is true does not come and go. What Is true, what "I" am, is the substratum, the primordial soup from which everything arises. All through the rise and fall of thoughts, ideas, beliefs, sensations, and feelings there is this, a watcher of it all, it notices everything and it is completely impartial to what comes and goes. This is me, my true identity. I am that and everything in between. I can let consciousness go where it wants and don't have to control it.

I can play with the thoughts, engage them or let them go, push them away or indulge in them, however, they are not here to make the decision for the body nor tell me anything about what's really true. What then precipitates action? If it isn't thoughts, then where does the movement of this vehicle come from? This question has been my mission to investigate and get to the bottom of for the last 5 years of my life. For me it's the core of my spiritual journey. It seems as though most of my life there is thought which proceeds action. But perhaps in the time space continuum of the universe the reverse is true and our body/mind system's are either too conditioned or not sophisticated enough to detect that action comes before thought. What I have noticed is that the less I try to control this vehicle, the more I see it's innate intelligence in knowing what I need and when I need it.

Without my mind commenting and weighing out every decision, would I be making any moves, would the body still be going this way and that way despite the minds agreement or thoughts on it? YES. It is to see that we are living out our designs anyways and that what the mind thinks about it it is completely irrelevant. The human design says this body will move through the life whether or not we think about it. Once we can establish a solid foundation in witness consciousness and know we are not our minds, trusting that the body will take us where we need to go, then the life truly becomes an entertaining movie. This engages the mind in a different way and the story of "me" and my life becomes much lighter and quieter. We get to play out our character and dance with creation.

There has been a shift in awareness, the deep trust in what I really am is no longer debatable. So these days, when waves of sadness, depression, boredom, anxiety, or a sense of inadequacy wash over me, instead of wallowing in it and letting the energy get stuck, I open my heart to it. I become curious about it and truly investigate what it is. I am able to release the idea that my experience should be different than what it currently is, and I can "be" sadness on a whole new dimension. The label of "saddness" begins to disappear as I see there is no one here to be sad. There is just a wave of sensation and thoughts appearing and disappearing in this ocean of being. I don't have to do anything about the state because I know the witness, my true self, doesn't actually give a shit about getting out of the state of depression, it's just stoked to experience the whole array of human emotion. It/Life/Consciousness/God/Spirit wants me to be in it 100%, whatever "it" is.  With this realization it seems the depression is no longer able to stick like it used to. I am getting to see what a beautiful mysterious unfolding of Love this expression of life truly is. Even in the depths of despair. Even during those moments of loneliness and having no idea what to do next. It's all good. These moments are all part of my movie.

The Siddhi of Gate 48 and my Life's Work according to human design is to get to "experience the full spectrum of consciousness, feelings, awareness and sensations uninhibited in human form." YES. This is what is happening as I let go and allow whatever wants to arise to be here. I am finally getting to see and be in awe of the beauty of my humanity.